light on my toes
Hello all. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. It was Ketamine day! It couldn’t arrive fast enough for my liking. It was another sleepless night. I was thankful that my appointment was at 8:45am. I told Dr. Moseley as much when I walked through his door today. Before my shot Dr. Moseley listens as I summarize my last two weeks and how I am coping. He graces me with insights and when we are ready Dr. Moseley gets the shots ready. I used to get one shot and I honestly would get nauseous and often times I would vomit. Trust me when I say an hour of discomfort is worth two weeks of no depressive symptoms. One hour. That is the time line with Ketamine therapies. It is probably closer to 45 minutes. I will go into details another time about what having Ketamine treatments feels like. The reason I say that is because it has changed over time. The effects were intense when I first began my Ketamine journey. Today its effects are mild. I can participate in psychotherapy. I feel sightly drunk, but even that isn’t always obvious to me now. I often feel motion sickness and have on occasion been known to vomit during my appointment. I haven’t had any incidences while at Dr. Moseley’s office in months now. I went into Charlottesville feeling dreadful. I was dragging. I walk through his office door and I sit down, shift my weight on the sofa, sigh and blatantly state, let’s go straight to the shot today. I am in need. Of course I should know by now that exclaiming my impatience will lead to discussion about my state of mind. All I am thinking is stop the depression now! Please. We talk. I review with him. I mention my website and we discuss taking care of myself first. I respect that. It is not an easy task. I am discovering personal growth is a painful process. We wrap up conversing about Ketamine shots verses infusions. I added how I feel two shots minimizing the upset stomach and drunkenness but still gives me all the benefits of Ketamine. We review my opinions of Ketamine because it is a very new form of treatment. It is intended for those that have tried several other avenues for care. Traditional methods such as antidepressants, cognitive behavioral therapies and hospitalizations would be on ones resume. It is on mine. I was Dr. Moseley’s first Ketamine patient. We are learning together. When gives me my shots and I quickly glance at the clock. It is a habit. The effects used to occur within 7 minutes. I would obsessively ask what the time was. If I ask now it is out of curiosity as to how long I have been rambling. I am no longer aware of the heavy feeling in my chest. I can take a full breath. A side note: It just occurred to me that before the Ketamine I was having a difficult time breathing. I do centering exercises to ground myself in the present moment. I do a dozen or more times a day. I have been practicing this technique since I was introduced to Dr. Moseley. He taught me on my very first visit with him. I remember how difficult the practice was. I could only preform it standing in front of a mirror. Now I can use my breath and focus to calm myself with little effort. However, I found over the past couple days I can’t utilize this coping strategy. I wonder if it is because the ability to breathe becomes more difficult closer to Ketamine day. I am aware that centering makes me focus on the present moment and when I am depressed I want to do everything not to draw attention to it. So, it is probably a combination of the two. Anyway, I digress. As my appointment progresses I am calmer and lighter. I feel giddy. I feel light on my toes. I caught myself dancing to the Jeopardy theme song. I am shaking my head because yesterday or overnight even I was dragging to motivate myself to get up to use the bathroom. It is like two people. Night and day. My thoughts are not nearly as negative and self loathing. The camera lens that was foggy and distorted yesterday is on auto focus and the clarity is undeniably crisp. I am still exhausted. Ketamine doesn’t fix everything but it sure makes my life more manageable. I say that with a big smile. I am thinking what is Ketamine doing for me right now? It is making it possible for me to function. I embrace what tomorrow may bring instead of crying at the thought of having to relive another depressed episode. I have started many, many days crying because I didn’t die and I would hate the world for keeping me here. Night and day. Well, I have managed to accomplish a few more areas of my website but it is time consuming so until I get it fully operational my writings will be brief. I am attempting to get as much information on the site that may speak to and lead someone out of the darkness and into the light.
What is even better is the slight smile I catch on my face when I pass a window or mirror. I am thrilled to report that the Ketamine is continuing to assist me in being depression free for the next 12 -14 days. The most impressive aspect of Ketamine is no seedy side effects. No added medications to take to combat the adverse reactions. There are none that I have been aware of over the past year and ten months. How does it work? There isn’t a slew of information available. There is more than was noted two years ago. I am an observer. I am trying to understand too. I don’t know how it works only that it does. That should be enough. However, I am a seeker and usually won’t stop until the puzzle is complete and I am the one placing the last piece.
