heading into drepression
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I must admit that blogging is not an easy task. The most difficult part of blogging is there is so much I want to add and I can’t seem to update and develop as quickly as I would like. Please have patience and keep returning! Organizing the layout so I can get the information out there in order to potentially help others. The problem I am facing is I am two days away from getting my Ketamine shot and I am unpleasantly aware that I am heading into depression.
I have been using Ketamine as a treatment for depression for almost two years now. My second anniversary is in March. The most fascinating aspect of Ketamine treatment is the ability it has given me to distinguish what is my true self. The person I am without depression. It is so obvious to me now how completely different a bad day or a bad week is from clinical depression. I seriously feel like two people. I have found that the days leading up to my next treatment I begin to sink into that familiar pit of despair. It is frustrating because most of my time in between treatments I feel “normal”. I never thought there was a real distinction between being depressed and experiencing life as others do. There is a huge difference. I understand situational depression. I even understand how a really awful year, full of loss and disappointments could make a person feel. However, what I am referring to is depression so thick you lose the most important part….. yourself. I feel like I can’t push past the emotions. I have noticed that I physically feel heavier and it is literally impossible to hold my head up. I lack all my drive and I move slower. My smile is gone and it is becoming impossible to breathe. If I wasn’t getting my Ketamine shot in two days the symptoms would only worsen. I never look forward to these overbearing feelings. It is a struggle to think with all the depression filters on. It has been my default setting for decades and it is not an easy path to stay off of. I am finding I don’t recognize myself anymore. The depression grabs hold so unbearably tight and no amount of coping strategies I have been taught and utilized previously help. I asked myself many times over the last two years why I can’t, I am not kidding you, I can’t push past the sinking feeling as I spiral downward. I honestly have no control. It angers me because I want so desperately to be the lead in my life. I am trying to accept that I am not. I have mental health issues that I didn’t ask for and because of that I have to approach my life differently. I get that. I know there is much work to do to heal. However, I notice that I am more negative, self critical and impatient as the days draw closer to my Ketamine shot. It will be interesting to watch my blog entries the next couple days and how they change following my treatment. I plan to document my treatment, the effects, and any observations I have during treatment, the week following my appointments and what I discover the days leading up to my next visit to my doctor. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask. I will answer honestly. If I don’t have the answer I can at least help find someone who might. I am going to close this post by attaching an article I found helpful. I am planning to include to my website a selection of articles on Ketamine and depression. I just need to create it. 🙂 A side note, the doctor mentioned in this article, Steven Levine, is the doctor that treated me in New Jersey, in March of 2015, with 6 Ketamine infusions. He has opened so many doors and windows for me. Thank you Dr. Levine!! I hope you will read, Depressed? Your doctor might soon prescribe Ketamine. I think the most valuable lesson I have learned since my journey with Ketamine therapy is to explore. Explore my emotions and insights. Also, explore ways to be a better person. Explore without judgment!!
