hiding and hurting
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This post will be pretty short. I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands. I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday. It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment. I don’t know if that is possible or not. I may need to call Dr. Levine. I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding. I am in such a dark place. I am hiding and hurting. I am struggling to see the good. I am fighting to keep myself upbeat. I can’t. I am so upset. I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me. I don’t understand. I keep feeling as if I am being punished. I don’t know what for. I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person. I want to give up. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine. I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers. It is the weekend. So, you can imagine the success I am having. Zero. I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having. I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off. My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath. I am so exhausted. I am sick of everything blowing up in my face. It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits. It appears to me that I can’t catch a break. If I do, it definitely seems short lived. I feel this post is a rant. I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life. And what kind of life is this? I seriously can’t do anything. I want to scream. I want to give up. Man oh man, how I want to give up. I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands. The act of typing is unbelievably difficult. I have done my share of crying the past couple days. And why can’t doctors call you back? I am waiting for my labs. According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain. One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently. I will read more on that later. I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does. Could it be because of the intense pain I am in? I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post. I wanted to touch base. I hope to have better news to share soon.
