suicidal depression

Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. 

I am once again addressing questions and concerns regarding Ketamine therapies for treating mood disorders.  I am writing about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 4.5 years. 

A brief summary about me, I have a long history with treatment resistant depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorders.  My personal “mental health” resume includes numerous failed medication cocktails, ECT, cognitive behavior therapy, talk therapy, behavioral modification therapies and countless hospitalizations.  I can admit that I understand how all of these treatments could potentially help, but they never did for me. It was over four plus years ago that I was introduced to Ketamine for depression. I am alive today because of a drug that is raising many inquiries from the professional world as well as those interested in seeking Ketamine to help manage their chronic depression.   

I have written for several Ketamine clinic websites about my journey with Ketamine Therapy; including my personal website and The Ketamine Academy.  

In this blog, I want to revisit and discuss the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain from any qualified professional.  I have gotten many emails over the years asking me about random or specific Ketamine treatment information, as well as those seeking Ketamine providers. I thought now would be an excellent time to review and speak on several aspects of Ketamine for those just discovering the non-traditional method for treating resistant depression with Ketamine therapy.

I will preface this blog with an obvious disclaimer.  I am answering all the past email questions posed in this blog along with my other writings on the subject of Ketamine based on personal experience with Ketamine treatments and my own continued readings and research.  I want to advocate the use of Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression because of my results from this successful therapy. I am sharing my success and how I have benefited from Ketamine, the new non-traditional form of treatment for depression, to help others.

I have had emails with several questions and themes recently.  I want to address as many inquiries as I can and decided to approach this in a more hopscotch fashion.

It has been through my Ketamine advocacy that people have approached me via email with their stories and worries.  I have been fortunate enough to have depression sufferers and providers reach out to me asking me about my results and my writings.  I have been equally grateful for those informing me of new Ketamine clinics. It is because of these correspondences that I am rarely at a loss for writing material.  I have appreciated the interest and encouragement. I have also enjoyed the offers to write about my story for other websites. I have. I am human. I know that each time I write I may be able to help someone that is struggling and that is what keeps me motivated.

However, having said that, these interactions have not all been pleasant.  I feel the need to once again remind readers that I am sharing my story to help others.  I am always shocked by how insensitive “professional” people can be. They clearly seem to forget that I am a patient writing and not a doctor or provider.  I am flabbergasted at times. I am a human being sharing my personal experience. Please be respectful.

I need to take a moment to add a special thank you as a side note.  I have been known as a woman that expresses her feelings regularly. If I am overcome with strong emotions, I share them.  I work incredibly hard on focusing on positive actions and thoughts. If I am impressed or treated well I will make a point of saying thank you for your kindness.  It has been a long while since I have shared my gratitude. I am super appreciative to Jason Duprat with The Ketamine Academy for constantly being sensitive of my story and feelings.  He repeatedly treats me with respect and honor. Jason allows me to feel comfortable and valued.  We work together well; professionally with a twist of mutual fondness I think. 

I admire Ketamine providers that understand the desperate need for Ketamine therapy for depression, but clearly care more about a patient’s long term care.  Thank you to all the providers of Ketamine: you are changing and saving lives.

I have had friends question my motives for writing for Ketamine clinics, and the motives of the providers requesting my help.  I also am not a fool and I realize it is easier to spread your message when you have help and a platform.   

I want to build a genuine relationship with my readers.  I am writing on a very personal subject matter; built on trust and honesty.  It is important to me. I want to be proud of the words I use. I want to offer hope to the person I once was; hopeless and done with trying anything and everything to improve my chronic suicidal depression.  

If I can spread the news about Ketamine and give hope back to those in darkness, even one, then it has been worth it.  I understand that not everyone is going to like my approach or language so every time I can be beneficial to others I am appreciative.  

Thank you to those that have written to me, asked me questions, shared their stories and have made it possible for me to use my love for writing to inform, educate and encourage others to keep living when the depression threatens to consume.

Advocacy is a new adventure for me.

I definitely don’t want to appear insincere in my writings.  Ketamine has offered me life. I want to be a voice, to share and possibly offer a lifeline to those that don’t think their lives will ever improve.

My words, my language, and self expression mean so much to me.  I want to inform the public about a drug called Ketamine that gave me the opportunity to come to the surface and begin the life I was meant to live.. 

Ketamine has and continues to breathe life into me.  I started my personal website in January of 2017. I wanted to share and advocate the use of Ketamine to treat depression.  It has been through my writings I have discovered how truly powerful words can be. In recent months those words have been reaching more fellow sufferers.  It is thrilling to know that more professionals are reaching out to learn more about Ketamine therapy, too. I have learned that I have value when I share my story and experiences.  

I am consciously aware that my writings are only me ruminating and desperately trying to make connections so I can heal.  The idea that I may actually be helping others; that is fascinating and exciting.

Onward. I want to discuss common questions I have been asked over the years with the objective of clarifying what Ketamine is, what you may experience if you choose to try Ketamine therapy, how it works, history of Ketamine, reflection of my experiences and any other random tidbits on Ketamine that pop into my mind while I am sitting here in front of my laptop writing.

First up is, what is Ketamine?  Many people are not aware of this drug, much less that is a non-traditional method of treating depression and other mental disorders.  Ketamine is my life-preserver!  It really is. Ketamine is basically an anesthetic drug that blocks pain. It was first developed in the 1960’s and was used to operate on soldiers during the Vietnam War.  In the past, Ketamine has also been used as an animal tranquilizer. However, in more recent years, Ketamine has been used as a party drug in nightclubs and parties because of the “hallucination” element users have repeatedly enjoyed.  In addition to dulling pain, Ketamine has been known to allow users to feel like they’re detached from their own body. This sensation is often written and explained as a dissociative effect. These feelings are often associated with a variety of drugs known as hallucinogens.  This class of drugs are frequently known to distort perceptions of sight and sound. It produces feelings of detachment from the environment, mind, and self. The reason this can occur is because the drug is reducing or blocking signals to the conscious mind from other parts of the brain. This out-of-body experience has made it a popular club or party drug, where it is commonly called “Special K.”

If you have done any research on the subject of how Ketamine is being given to chronically depressed individuals, you will probably get this answer: Ketamine is given as an infusion.  An IV line is put in place and directly delivers the Ketamine into your vein. The needle is typically placed in your arm or hand. It is reported that this method is the quickest route for the medicine to get to the brain and administered for approximately 45 minutes followed by saline for roughly fifteen minutes.

You may have also read that most people start with about six doses over a period of two weeks, and then they sign up to get booster Infusions once every 3 to 5 weeks.

The facts have alluded to the idea that you may, but not necessarily need to continue treatments for a year or more to see long-term results.  My experience has proven to me that long term use is absolutely necessary to continue to fight this demon, to recover and lead a productive life.

Research online originally missed the fact that Ketamine is also now being given in many other forms.  As many of you know, I started out with six Infusions and transitioned to intramuscular (IM) Ketamine injections.  I get Intramuscular Ketamine shots every two weeks. I do not see this regimen changing any time soon. I have tried to go longer periods of time between my appointments and have consistently found that I need to return to the two week protocol.

I have also used nasal Ketamine spray in an emergency situation.  I kept a bottle on hand in case my symptoms show their hateful presence before my next appointment.  I appreciated having had this option, even if I am notoriously known for constantly complaining about this delivery method.  I no longer use nasal Ketamine as it has a much shorter timeline for relief and I didn’t care for the return of my depressive symptoms after only a few days.  I found the resurfacing of my depressive and suicidal symptoms extremely upsetting and frustrating. I will admit that I still find the value with nasal Ketamine and if some horrific event took my beloved doctor away I wouldn’t hesitate to count on the glories of this spray if it meant I could be free of depression for days.  However, I am truly grateful that is not my situation.

There are also pharmacies making Ketamine torches otherwise known as Ketamine lozenges to help patients between their boosters or to extend their maintenance time frame to help reduce costs.  I have not yet tried lozenges. I have had other reach out to me that are currently using the torches and they are getting mixed reviews, but in the end they are finding mild relief using an oral Ketamine lozenge and feel that is still better than no relief at all.  I completely understand that mentality because living with resistant depression is all encompassing and deadly. I am super comfortable with my treatment plan and can’t see convincing my doctor to prescribe the lozenges over the nasal spray. However, in my case, my doctor and I eventually discontinued the Ketamine nasal spray because it was disappointing as well as self defeating for me personally.  My doctor is not a fan of the oral form of Ketamine, and I didn’t push it because the injections given every two weeks work for me.  

Many fellow sufferers have asked me how does Ketamine work?  I reply with a standard statement, researchers don’t know exactly how Ketamine works to treat depression, but they have some ideas.  Unlike antidepressants, which work by shifting the balance of brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine, Ketamine is thought to change the way brain cells communicate with each other.

Ketamine blocks a type of receptor in the brain, known as NMDA, thought to play a role in depression.  Recent studies find that Ketamine can have long-lasting effects on depression, even though the drug only stays in the body for a short time.

Ketamine also acts on other brain receptors very similar to those of opioid receptors, which affect pain and depression.

I, personally, accept this but I want to expound on the subject.  It is my understanding over the years that depression was linked to chemical imbalances in the brain and that was the cause of all my misery.  I am now rethinking my beliefs.

The more I read about inflammation and disease, the more it makes me convinced that depression is potentially also caused by inflammation and not just an imbalance of chemicals.

I truly believe that the Ketamine reduces the swelling in my brain.  The Ketamine reduces the inflammation in all the damaged areas of the mind and it is, in my opinion, because of this reduction phenomenon that normal brain flow begins and repairs can be made.  

Ketamine works remarkably well for me.  I can be in a really bad place emotionally before my Ketamine therapy, and a few hours later I am motivated and willing to take on all the challenges life keeps insisting on throwing my way.  Unlike traditional antidepressants, which can take weeks or longer to take effect, Ketamine starts working within a few hours. Personally, I can now go into a session feeling extremely suicidal, pessimistic and discouraged with life only to find myself leaving my doctor’s office pondering how I could have felt so desperate only moments ago.  It feels as though I am two different people. It is the strangest thing. It is like night and day. I admit I don’t completely understand it. I try to repeatedly remind myself that I don’t need to know how it works, only that it does work for me.

In the past,  I can still vividly remember, I had an active suicide plan in place as I walked into the building to get my first Ketamine therapy. Depression hurts.  It kills everything. It makes believing in possibilities nonexistent.  

I am a fighter.  

I falter.

I push back.  

I question.  

I think of myself as pretty open minded and self aware.  However, I am still, after four and half years of routine Ketamine therapy, incredibly amazed that I can walk out of my doctor’s office shaking my head that only a short time ago suicide felt like the best and only solution to this insidious disease that constantly takes ownership of me.

It is frustrating and immensely discouraging to continuously battle for mind control.  I know that for people who are suicidal, this rapid effect can be lifesaving. It constantly pulls me away from the edge.

Ketamine is also helping people who haven’t found relief from other more traditional depression treatments.  I am one prime example on the benefits this drug, Ketamine, is providing.

My personal experiences have been similar to many individuals that find themselves wanting to try this new treatment for depression.  I am no different from others that have been to several psychiatrists, therapists, cognitive modification behaviorists, and have tried several dozen or more, medication cocktails without success.

It is sadly noted that many people with major depressive disorder have attempted suicide and again I am not unique.  I have scars on the outside and even more on the inside. Suicide has always felt like a valid and logical solution to me, and I found myself attempting plan after plan mainly craving relief or an end to the suffering.

I write now, and I get so sad thinking back on those decades of darkness and self loathing.  The depression can sometimes still lead my mind to suicidal idealization. It is uncomfortable.  I trust that the Ketamine will win the battle for me, but thoughts can be powerful and habitual.  I keep my doctor informed.

What I have noticed about my mood after receiving a Ketamine Infusion or Intramuscular Ketamine injection is very similar to what I have read the majority of patients are reporting, which is a lightening of their mood with Ketamine treatments.  I feel that the dread and turmoil I have been carrying for years begins to lift. If there was anxiety before, all of a sudden there is less anxiety. I feel calmer. I feel more capable. I have hope. I want to engage in life. It’s also not uncommon for people to feel like Ketamine allows them to get out of bed and face their obstacles for the first time ever.  It may take several Ketamine treatments initially, but I concur with what is being said about the antidepressant effects of Ketamine. It switches the depressive symptoms off and allows for healing. This has been my experience over and over again. My world is no longer filtered through the depression. The results of Ketamine, for me, last about two weeks. I am aware that many other Ketamine patients can go symptom free for longer periods of time between treatments, and I continue to investigate why, but over the years I have found that I can remain stable for about two weeks before my world is filtered through the depression again.  It resurfaces again and again. I am tolerating the return of symptoms better these days, but they do reappear and I am trying to be patient in my recovery and journey.

I have been asked multiple times if I feel there are “side effects” of receiving Ketamine therapy.  I laugh at this question. In my mind there are no side effects. I have been getting Ketamine therapy for well over four years now.  The experiences I have had in the past are much more mild now. I am trying to remember back to the beginning. My appointments and Ketamine therapies are different now.  It is like a haze or fog for me. I am aware when the Ketamine kicks in for me, but the intensity I felt in the beginning of my journey is extremely subdued now.  

Having said that, I feel that what effects the Ketamine causes during my appointment time are not, in my mind, a side effect.  It is the medication working. It was Ketamine showing me that mind and body are one and at the same time they are separate. Healing.

I will explain.

In my early experiences with Ketamine, I would say roughly about eight minutes after starting the IV Ketamine, I often experienced “dissociative” effects.  These sensations were very similar to what I imagine a spiritual awakening would be like. Many people have reported, myself included, having an out-of-body experience while under the effects of Ketamine.  These feelings subside as the drug wears off. It is roughly about forty minutes where you will probably feel the effects of Ketamine and will feel slightly off or bizarre. I felt fairly “loopy” at times. For me, the textures in the wall, door or clothing appeared to pop; like a 3D movie without the need for the trashy glasses.  Things may look and sound a little bit different or enhanced than they usually do for you, at least that was my experience.

Colors appeared very vibrant to me. Some people have mentioned that things might look blurred. I feel my eyesight sharpens with Ketamine.  I had this amazing peaceful sensation and awareness. I was observing myself without that familiar harsh and hopeless judgmental mind I detest.

In the beginning, I did have the unusual experience of looking down at my body and not really seeing it.  I made a remark to my husband that I will never forget. I glanced nervously at him and shyly smiled and exclaimed, “Where is my body?  I can’t see my feet or hands. I am feeling like a fish in a huge aquarium.” I was laughing at the silliness of my thoughts and observations.  My hubby reassured me that I was still sitting in my chair; all of me. The next moment I glimpsed down and giggled and shouted, “hey there my feet are!”

The feeling lasts for about a half hour to forty five minutes after the IV started, and then it should wear off, while the drug’s benefits continue.

The drug can possibly cause a spike in blood pressure and heart rate in the short term. I imagine that for most people, that’s probably not a huge problem.  It was never an issue for me. However, it is something to be aware of.

Doctors don’t know much about the long-term effects of Ketamine because they haven’t been able to study it over long enough periods of time.  However, more and more sufferers are finding relief with the assistance of Ketamine therapy.

There have been studies that are carelessly reporting that they have linked regular Ketamine use to memory issues and other problems related to thinking.  I can state with confidence that after almost five years of Ketamine given to me regularly, every two weeks or so, I have not had any memory issues. However, I did lose months and months of memories with ECT treatments.

I am speaking with a genuine heart.  I have had no side effects worthy of mentioning. I will comment that in the beginning I had issues with nausea.  I could have easily requested an anti-nausea medication but I tend to be a purist about all medications I take now.  I honestly feel it is a small price to pay for multiple symptom free days I get in return.

The memory loss that has been a concern and reported as a potential reason to never offer Ketamine widely to the public doesn’t seem to be the case with the doses being used to treat depression.  Yet, those against the use of Ketamine for treatment resistant depression insist on claiming that it does.

Doctors also worry that the drug might lead to abuse, but this hasn’t been proven either.  I have an addictive personality. I am an addict and alcoholic in recovery. I have a history of becoming obsessed and massively addicted with a number of coping clutches in the past.   So, yes, I did worry about addiction component or abuse. I admit that I did fret about my tolerance level and whether over time I would grow intolerant or need more Ketamine to achieve the same results.  My history has made me cynical. I worried unnecessarily. I have never craved Ketamine physically like I did with alcohol, drugs or other devices I used to manage my depression and anxiety over the years.  

I will honestly admit that I heard myself say to my doctor, “I am in critical need of Ketamine.  I want it right now; fast. Please!” It made me evaluate the statement. I have no doubt in my mind that desire and need for Ketamine was all about wanting to be symptom free quickly and not actual feelings or thoughts of getting high or escaping that would lead to further abuse; as soon as the depression subsides so does my “need” for the drug.

If the Ketamine is administered accurately, I feel the relief for twelve days and then I find that my illness creeps back in and takes over again.  The return of my depression and anxiety begins slowly at first. I notice it is harder to correct my thoughts or redirect them. I lose all patience with myself.  Decisions become impossible to make. 

Frustrations and anger.  

In 2015 through probably 2017 I appreciated the slow build.  It helped me adjust to the resurfacing of the depression. It is when I went to bed feeling great, and I awoke the next morning afraid to leave my house and how quickly my resolution would drive me straight to suicidal thoughts and plans that were more problematic for me.  The last couple of years this hasn’t been as much of an issue for me. I have adjusted and been working with therapists to manage.  

Acceptance of my disease was paramount.

It was confusing in the beginning of my journey with Ketamine.  It didn’t make sense to me. I was feeling so many new and rare emotions that I never dealt with before.  I had a lot to sort through. I was familiar with depression and suicidal thoughts. I was feeling a multitude of emotions that I didn’t understand or trust.  

If I was fine when I went to bed and woke up feeling the bleak darkness and depressing thoughts I would cry out,  “Why, oh why? What happened? What did I do wrong?” It always felt like it was my fault when the depressive symptoms returned. I must have done something wrong, and I was being punished.  My OCD thinking then takes, no grabs the wheel and drives my every action. It is days like these that I am forever grateful for Ketamine. I know these emotions and fears are temporary. I feel and have found for myself that If you are feeling symptom free from that nightmare you thought only suicide could cure, you probably won’t be sticking around the house getting high.  You will be out there living the life you were meant to. Having said that, I do understand the risks and concerns. I feel in most cases Ketamine needs to be administered and monitored by a professional, especially if there is a history of addiction.

If you are considering trying Ketamine treatments to help combat resistant depression I can share these thoughts with you.  I think the only worry I had when I made the appointments for my first six Infusions back in 2015 was actually a double sided fear and the anxiety of the unknown.  

What if Ketamine doesn’t work for me?  The flip side of that obsessive thought was the painful terror I felt at the thought, what if Ketamine helps me?  

I also had profound anxiety over what if I can’t afford to continue the treatments.  I was convinced it would lead me straight to my death if it didn’t work, but what if it is effective was upsetting too.  What would that look like? I am not known for dealing well with uncertainty. I wanted the information beforehand, and back in 2015 there really wasn’t much being written about Ketamine for treatment resistant depression.  This lack of information is one reason I am writing about my journey. I want to share my experiences and knowledge of Ketamine with others considering this non-traditional method for treating chronic depression.

I was pretty twisted by all my thoughts leading up to my trip to New Jersey for my six infusions.

What would life without depression and anxiety even look like?  

I never believed Ketamine was a miracle cure.  Never. It didn’t seem possible that after more than four decades of profound depression and anxiety six treatments of anything could kick that evil.  I knew that if Ketamine was helpful, I was going to need to find a provider closer to my home and for an affordable rate for me. I worried this would not be realistic because in 2015 options were limited.  So, I write, because of this panic I felt in the beginning, I want to help others. I definitely suggest looking into follow up care to reduce the anxiety if that is an issue for you, like it was for me.

Today, I feel Ketamine is a tool.  It gives me the ability to do the work I need to do to reverse the damage and unhealthy coping mechanisms I had in place to manage living with suicidal depression.  I had been trying repeatedly to improve my mood and situation in order to accomplish wellness and over multiple decades I had failed. I feel Ketamine assists my recovery.  I can see progress, but it takes time and perseverance. When I utilize Ketamine therapy with cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) tools, and behavioral modification therapies, I genuinely feel I am learning and improving now.

There should definitely be some emphasis that Ketamine isn’t a quick fix. Although it can have a rapid positive effect, I don’t think enough information is given about the possibility of many sufferers having to return after the first six infusions for a booster/maintenance dose in order to continue to thrive from the benefits of Ketamine on relieving your depression and anxiety.

People are getting the idea that Ketamine is a miracle cure.  This is upsetting to me. I believe only a few people are fortunate enough to get one dose or even the six initial Ketamine infusions and then have their depression go away completely.  I don’t think this is an accurate portrayal of Ketamine. It is likely that even after the six recommended infusions most will need follow up care and subsequent Ketamine treatments.

The initial effects of the drug on depression can fade quickly; within 1 to 3 days. Realistically, I feel most people will need to get repeated treatments over many months or years to see long-term improvements.  This has been my story.

I feel adding mindfulness training and constantly utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy tools might help the Ketamine’s antidepressant effects last longer.  It has worked for me many, many times over the past couple years.

I can get pretty fired up when discussing all the articles out there making the claims that you only need six infusions to be “cured”.  I will try to contain myself and limit my response to this subject. Ketamine lifted the depression temporarily for me. In the beginning, I was only getting a day or two of mild relief from my depression. I was more aware of how it allowed me freedom from the anxiety that had me locked up in my house with agoraphobia.  The benefits Ketamine offered for my depression were limited at first. I would need all six infusions to assess how it might help with my depression. I did feel the difference in my mood as each day passed. The farther away the treatments were for me, the more intense it felt when the symptoms returned. In the beginning it was extremely difficult to slide back into depression when the Ketamine effect reduced over time. Painful.  I was led to believe the depression would not return after the six treatments. I never believed this claim. I didn’t. I figured if Ketamine worked for me, then surely I would need to continue to get infusions to have the relief I was striving for. 

Ketamine was my last option.   I had nothing else. There was a part of me that didn’t want the Ketamine to work because how would I cover the cost if it did.  I didn’t really expect it to work, but I took the risk financially and emotionally; for my family.

It was after my sixth infusion that the depression lifted for several days.  I had my last infusion on a Friday and felt good until roughly the next Wednesday, I believe.  As the week ended and a new week started, the effects from the Ketamine weakened. I wasn’t surprised, but I was discouraged.  I knew that I must find a way to have Ketamine administered to me closer to home and at an affordable price. This was my first introduction into advocating Ketamine for depression.

I have spoken to numerous people that want to try Ketamine but can not swing the steep price tag.  When I received my six infusions, it cost me over $3,900 for the Ketamine treatments, travel and lodging.  That is a fortune to me. I knew this drug was not a realistic long term treatment for me at that price tag.  So, when the Ketamine did appear to be helping relieve me of the clinical depression I wanted to cry out in frustration.  I finally found the answer to my incessant search for something to rid me of my symptoms and there was no way I could continue to pay out of pocket for the therapy.  Insurance companies, in 2015, did not cover any cost related to Ketamine treatments. It is heartbreaking.

Dr. Levine, the doctor I went to see in New Jersey for my six infusions, agreed with me that Ketamine was my answer.  I was responding. It was during my stress about finding this drug helpful, and my fear of returning to that horrendous darkness, that I pressed Dr. Levine for another way I could get the assistance I desperately needed.  He mentioned that there was a doctor in Virginia willing to administer Ketamine into the muscle by way of a shot instead or an IV. He did inform me that this doctor contacted him with a lot of interest in learning more about Ketamine for depression, but didn’t want to invest in an infusion center.  Dr. Levine suggested I call when I returned home and investigate whether he was still interested in administering intramuscular Ketamine shots. I discovered this doctor lived one hour away from me, so I was pretty motivated to plead my case to him. And that is exactly what I did.

Another common question I have been asked is whether I think Intramuscular Ketamine shots work as well as infusions.  Well, that is a tough question. I do feel IM Ketamine works! Do I think they are better than infusions? I am not sure.  I had six infusions total. I have had well over a hundred injections in the past four plus years. I continue to improve and get stronger.  IM Ketamine works. Would I be further along in my recovery had I been able to afford the cost of Infusions? Maybe. I have no idea. I do know that I am healing now with the help of IM Ketamine.  I never could have continued getting infusions at 450.00 dollars per infusion. This cost is all out of pocket. I am grateful to my doctor for hearing me out in April 2015. There needs to be more professionals willing to consider administering IM Ketamine for others, like me, struggling with treatment resistant depression.

I highly recommend IM Ketamine for resistant depression.  I especially feel it is an option for those that can’t afford Ketamine Infusions.  I would recommend getting six Infusions first, if you have the funds for that. I know many people want to try Ketamine but can not because of the price tag.  The need for education is immensely important.

I suggest approaching a trusted family doctor, Nurse Practitioner, Psychiatrist, a Physician’s Assistant or a Registered Nurse and educate them on the success of Ketamine for depression.  Advocate for yourself. I would imagine that if you can try Ketamine Infusions (1-6 treatments) first it could be advantageous because you can take your results to a local provider. You would have documentation of its ability to combat depression.  That is how I went about it. That will not be a reality for everyone. I realize and understand that. I also know that many professionals will be closed off to the idea of administering intramuscular Ketamine. That saddens me. However, I strongly encourage approaching as many as it takes until one individual is willing to work and learn with you.

It is worth the effort.  

There is a massive need for more providers willing to learn all Ketamine delivery methods and help those like me discover what living without resistant depression really feels like.

If you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.

Hello and welcome.  It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I write about my experiences and journey with Ketamine Therapy on my website and also for The Ketamine Academy.  A brief summary about me, I have a long history with treatment resistant depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorders.  My personal “mental health” resume includes numerous failed medication cocktails, ECT, cognitive behavior therapy, talk therapy, behavioral modification therapies and countless hospitalizations.  I can admit that I understand how all of these treatments could potentially help, but they never did for me. It was a little over four years ago that I was introduced to Ketamine for depression. I am alive today because of a drug that is raising many questions and concerns from the professional world as well as those interested in seeking Ketamine to help manage their chronic depression.  I want to revisit the beginning of my Ketamine journey as I have been receiving emails asking me about what to expect from Ketamine treatments.

In this blog, I want to spend time focusing on the numerous questions I have been asked over the last several years; a refresher course of sorts.  I decided on revisiting and approaching the curiosity and concerns about Ketamine, costs, comparisons to other medications and therapies, and the possible pros and cons of Ketamine treatment again.  It may be helpful. My shares are based on my personal experience with Ketamine for Treatment Resistant Depression.

I am a huge advocate for Ketamine therapy.  I want to educate and help those trying to find the right medication to combat resistant depression.  I am also passionate and find the need to spread the word of Ketamine treatments in hopes of reaching out to the professional world to encourage them to get the proper training to administer Ketamine therapy and become a provider.  There is a terrific online Ketamine training course available through The Ketamine Academy.  

If I no longer had access to a physician or nurse practitioner willing to administer Ketamine, I am convinced my story would quickly conclude.  

Why?  

Why do I believe that my depression would definitely lead to the end of my story?  The answer is crystal clear to me. My depression resurfaces and is continually lifted with Ketamine as my aid.  I am now capable of living the life I was meant to. I have seen the possibilities. I have had long periods of time when I am symptom free.  I can’t imagine my life without this medication. I have finally found the one treatment that assists me in being free from the suicidal darkness I lived in for over four decades.

I am speaking up.  

I want to make sure I never lose the only treatment that has given me hope for a future.  

I am willing to take on the tough questions and concerns.  Ketamine is hope for treatment resistant depression. I am proof.  I want others, like me, suffering with chronic depression, to be aware that Ketamine is an option.  It has been my only hope.  

I went 45 years suffering with profound depression and debilitating anxiety disorders with no relief from any of the traditional methods of treatment.  Every time I would try a new medication, or multiple combinations of pills, I lost hope and had nothing left to offer or build on. Nothing remained. What I did have were plenty of horror stories to share and trust me, no one wanted to listen to my defeated point of view.  

I started being administered Ketamine through infusions, and I am now creating more colorful, hopeful narratives.  

Before Ketamine, I had no hope or expectations.  

I was fortunate to be told about Ketamine back in 2015, and my life has only continued to improve with the aid of Ketamine therapy.  I often fret over the idea of someone ending their life because their darkness was too overwhelming that all hope had vanished and they may never hear of the possibility of Ketamine therapy for treatment resistant depression.  That could have been my story. It almost was.

My success with Ketamine treatments pushes me repeatedly to write.  I am sharing parts of my life that are not at all flattering. It can be extremely uncomfortable.  Yet, I know that I need to show the depths of my desperation for understanding. Depression is complicated and frequently misunderstood.  My primary motivation is to write based on my experiences with the hope of reaching out to that lost soul, as I once was, with a life line.

I started my Ketamine infusion therapy with a series of six infusions over a two week period.  I responded. I hadn’t had any success with previous treatments for my depression. 

Zero. 

The fact that something could flip the depression off, even briefly, would inspire anyone suffering with major depressive disorder, without a successful treatment plan, to share. I am pretty passionate to spread the news and use my voice to inform others of this nontraditional method of treating resistant depression.  

I can reflect now. 

I know where I was headed before Ketamine.  I was dead inside. I had no hope of that ever changing.  I have written before about how my husband never gave up on me.  When he explained his findings on Ketamine, I rejected them based on the costs and fear. Multiple times over the years I have put my family through financial ruin trying to discover a treatment that I would respond to.  I didn’t want to cause more stress for my family on a treatment that wouldn’t work. I had been there, done that.

I wasn’t afraid of dying.  

I was terrified of having hope.

I went into that Ketamine clinic expecting nothing.

I told my husband that I would undergo Ketamine infusions and that if it didn’t help me, he had to agree to let me go.

It wouldn’t take long for me to start believing in possibilities.

It would take time – I had decades worth of pain to heal.

I know that I was only slightly hopeful following my first infusion.  I felt . . . relief. I can best describe the feeling as a small break from the OCD thinking, anxiety and constant state of intense depression.  It was mild, but it was as though someone turned on a nightlight for me. The first thing I noticed following my first infusion of Ketamine, and I can still vividly remember,  was my awareness of being able to take a full breath with ease. I could truly breathe for the first time. In the past, I had habitually held my breath. My anxiety made breathing literally painful which often created even more anxiety for me. I was as tight as a ball of rubber bands unable to expand.  So, when I was left without the discomfort I felt when just breathing, I was actually shocked. It was such a pleasure to have even the briefest glimpse at what might be possible for me if I continued to respond to Ketamine treatments.  

Many of the changes went unnoticed by me, but my family could see the subtle differences in my mood and approach to living.  It would take months for me to begin to feel concrete changes.  

What did happen for me was I started to believe in the maybes; in the possibilities.  The depression and anxiety were in the background. My perceptions on life and my ability to be a part of the living were (and continue) to evolve.

However, it has been a frustrating task trying to locate a qualified professional to administer Ketamine at a price I could afford. It breaks my heart that many will never be able to afford the initial 6 recommended infusions.  Many of us, myself included, could never afford long term Ketamine infusion treatments if needed, which for me is a reality: I discovered that I need Ketamine boosters regularly. The depression always resurfaces. Ketamine remains my antidepressant.  It was remarkable luck, maybe, that I was told of a doctor willing to try intramuscular Ketamine shots, and his office is only an hour from my home. I am forever grateful. I would not have been able to progress and heal without Ketamine.  

Options are needed.  

I truly believe that Ketamine can help those with treatment resistant depression but recognize that I wouldn’t have been able to afford and continue getting Ketamine infusions if I didn’t have my current doctor.  There is a demand for affordable solutions for Ketamine therapy. The current average price per Ketamine infusion treatments around the country is in the $400-$600 range. It is unrealistic for many. There is a need for more Ketamine providers and The Ketamine Academy can help interested and qualified professionals learn how to become Ketamine providers and begin helping those of us with treatment resistant depression start living full functioning lives.

I am currently having Ketamine administered by intramuscular shots.  There are not too many or I should clarify, not enough, providers offering IM Ketamine shots or even Ketamine infusions for that matter.  I have been getting Ketamine every two weeks for over four years now. I couldn’t have afforded to do that if I hadn’t located a doctor willing to learn and work with me.  I have had tremendous relief from my depression and anxiety symptoms. I am grateful to my doctor, whom I never worked with prior to my Ketamine regimen, for being open to listening to me advocate this unconventional use of the drug.  I am forever appreciative of his willingness to work with me financially. We have learned so much together. My doctor has been able to see my positive progress and it excites us both. He is now treating a couple of his patients using Ketamine with great success.  There really aren’t enough qualified individuals willing to step up, train, educate and offer Ketamine at a price that is affordable. I implore those practitioners and doctors to challenge themselves; Ketamine could save lives as a result.  

I should mention that in the early part of 2015 when I was introduced to Ketamine infusions, the information about Ketamine and its uses for depression was extremely limited.  There were less than a dozen locations worldwide offering Ketamine Infusions. It is because of my experience and difficulty with trying to find a Ketamine infusion clinic or a professional with the ability to administer Ketamine that I highly recommend providers to explore  The Ketamine Academy’s online training course in order to reach more depression sufferers.  I am constantly updating my Ketamine Provider & Location List located on my website and I am willing to add those offering to treat patients with the use of Ketamine.  It is crucial. I am dedicated to trying to make it possible for others to find a Ketamine Provider in their area and start the healing process to gain back life.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression, which is also known as major depressive disorder, at the age of 18.  However, I feel that I have suffered with depression all of my life, being semi aware of it at the young age of eight.  I reached out for help and started doing talk therapy and was then referred to a psychiatrist when my therapist had a firm notion that I potentially had more going on then an eating disorder.  I was also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder during my first of many visits to a plethora of psychiatrist offices over the decades, trying to discover a treatment plan that would rid me of my suicidal ideation and profound depressive state.  I initially sought help because I felt that something was desperately wrong with me. I was walking through my life feeling isolated and alien, with thoughts of death that plagued me daily.  

My depression led me into hospitals for psychiatric care; both inpatient and outpatient care, more than a dozen times, over the course of twenty years.  Doctors have tried a combination of 3 or 4 psychiatric medication mixtures to lift or alter my depressed state and lower my anxiety levels. I was probably written in excess of two dozen or more combinations, or “Cocktails”  as it is often referred to, in order to find a solution and free me of my , all to no avail. I also received twelve ECT treatments over a three month period, about 15 years ago. I regretfully conclude that none of those treatments  ever worked, and the horrific news is that it would take weeks to discover these medication plans weren’t working – all the while continuing to suffer with depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation.

A major advantage to Ketamine therapy compared to previous treatments is the fact that Ketamine doesn’t take 4-6 weeks to figure out if it will work.  That can not be said about traditional antidepressants. Even though I was anxious to have faith in Ketamine, I liked that I would know right away or within six treatments if the Ketamine was potentially going to work or not.  It may take all six before feeling that Ketamine is a vital asset to your treatment plan.  

It took one Ketamine session for me, within an hour, I felt a slight shift.  It was fairly minor, in the beginning, yet something felt different and new. The anxiety I could never escape was lowered within an hour.  I was alert and felt calm for the first time in my life. It was fast acting. My results were kind of obvious to me when comparing them to my past medications where I never felt any different even after six or eight weeks.  I wasn’t completely sold on Ketamine therapy, but I was willing to have it administered again and again and slowly I found the Ketamine lifting the fog and darkness I was living in due to my profound depression.

I realize that Ketamine infusions are costly.  However, I must say that if I were to add up and report all the costs I have accumulated over the years on all the medications, hospitalizations, ECT, behavioral therapies and outpatient treatment programs, you would be surprised at how the numbers and debt piled up over the years.  My balance after insurance coverage was a constant financial stress. What I mean is that just the copays put a strain on my family. It was even more painful when none of the treatments worked for me. They just added another layer of depression and hopelessness, and many of the medications just made me a suicidal zombie.  I only wish I could have that money back to invest in my future Ketamine infusions. I must move past that, I know. 

It is the investment and uncertainty of a new treatment that pushes me to discuss the topic of Ketamine as an antidepressant option.  

It is upsetting that our mental health has to be attached to finances.  A price tag. How much are we worth? That should never be a question we have to ask ourselves.  I advocate the use of Ketamine and implore qualified professionals to get the training needed to become providers in hopes of reaching more people suffering with resistant depression and potentially lower the costs of treatments; to save lives.

I know that Ketamine is known to be a psychedelic drug, so I want to touch on my experiences with this side of the drug to help those considering Ketamine therapy.  I do want to disclose that I have experimented with mushrooms and LSD in my early twenties. I wasn’t completely in the dark. I was still unsettled because I knew that if this medication didn’t work for me, I was done with trying anything else.  I was at the end of my rope. I didn’t really expect Ketamine to help me because nothing else had ever benefited me or offered me any relief from my suicidal depression. I was more concerned with the what ifs……  

What if it doesn’t help me? 

 What if it does help me?  

What would that feel like for me?  

What will I experience while the drug, Ketamine, is in my system and will there be any long lasting side effects afterwards?

When I met Dr. Levine, back in 2015, at his clinic in New Jersey, he tried to prepare me for what I might experience during my infusions.  He shared that he likes to tell his patients what Ketamine is like using the analogy of playing Family Feud. The top five answers on the board of what Ketamine is like are: strange, odd, weird, intense, dreamlike.  I would also have to add that, for me, it was a very introspective time, spiritually awakening, with out of body sensations; like you literally feel like you come out of your body. Overall it wasn’t a horrible experience for me.  It is somewhat comical thinking back and reading journals I kept on my experiences. I remember saying to my husband who was in the room with me ‘I don’t know where my body is’. I couldn’t see my entire body. It was like having tunnel vision.  My attention was focused internally. It was the strangest thing, but I was not upset or afraid.  

I was more curious. 

Calm.  

Warm.

 While I was investigating this feeling, I remember my whole face lit up when I saw my feet. I felt disconnected from my body.  As though you come out of your body and you are able to wander around the room without moving an inch physically. It resembles lucid dreaming; dreaming, but you are fully awake.  I felt I was in a dream and all of this bizarre shit was happening, while being consciously aware and in tune with all of your thoughts. In this type of dream, you are the observer of all around you, as well as, what is deep in the subconscious.

I felt light. 

Free.

I was experiencing the world in the third person.  I was a separate entity. It feels very spiritual. I wasn’t as critical of myself.  I was able to just look at myself and have thoughts about everything and anything without feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts and feelings.  I felt like a different person; a person that maybe doesn’t have to die but could heal. I was watching my thoughts and reactions as if it were a television program.  It is very profound.

You have, or at least I did, this insight into yourself from a third party point of view. These thoughts feel much deeper and truer than the common superficial levels we communicate our emotions or perceptions of self.  The thoughts are fast and it is fleeting. It is like water cascading over you. You have to flow with it. You don’t get caught up by the rocks or soil. I just keep going with the thoughts. Easy. No judgments. What a relief; especially for someone that suffers with OCD.  No attachments, just watching and letting go.

I could also look at the wood door to my room and see the shapes and textures of the wood.  I would look at them and give them a story in my mind that made the door appear to come to life.  It was as though I was giving the door life. The Ketamine allows you to look at the different things around you with a fresh clarity.  I personally didn’t see horrible demons or anything. I didn’t see things appear before me that were not already there when I walked into the room.  It was more like my mind was just enhancing the surroundings in a superhuman way. I was experiencing possibilities. The world didn’t feel so black and white.  Depressed or happy. Anxious or peaceful. It felt interesting and engaging compared to the grey, dreary and negative place I was viewing my world prior to the Ketamine infusion.  

Yes, most of the time the Ketamine was an enjoyable experience for me.  However, Ketamine, it can bring out things inside of you, deep childhood issues and spiritual epiphanies too.  I wasn’t always ready for the new information and feelings. I will share that I cried during two of the treatments.  It was bizarre because I almost felt like I was Buddha on a mountain with my inner insights. It can feel a bit intense at times.  Dr. Levine reassured me that crying is natural when you have years of stored unexamined emotions. I didn’t understand why I was crying.  That was unsettling. How could I feel relief and still want to cry? I understand now that having an emotional release after years of pent up dark feelings can feel so great it brings you to tears.  It was as though I was washing my emotions clean; to think differently moving forward.

I really paid attention to the time.  I was obsessed. I frequently would ask what time it was. I would ask repeatedly in every session. 

I wanted to reduce my anxiety level and made mental notes during each session.  I also made it a habit to state my observations out loud to my husband so he was pretty aware of my thoughts and feelings during each infusion.  I wanted to hold on to the insights I had during my Ketamine session to discuss with my therapist at a later date.  

I remember that it felt like I took a couple shots of Tequila. I got all warm inside, giddy, and relaxed.  I would then feel many of the dissociative effects I have already mentioned above. I did get that “trippy” feeling during several of my treatments, but not every single one.  The sessions were all different. I could only count on one thing once the IV needle was in place and the Ketamine entered my system, I was calm. During one of my sessions shortly after that intoxicated feeling began, I was able to see the textures in the walls and doors.  The colors and paints appeared puffed up; like I was viewing the world like a 3D movie. I would expect that to happen during the next appointment only to experience a new event or discovery about myself. It was not like the hallucinations or color trails associated with LSD and mushrooms.  I feel with Ketamine it seems more internal to me; like there are things going on inside of your mind causing the things around you to look the same but enhanced. It just feels differently. It is not easy to put into words. Something inside my mind was altered and healed. It is very dreamlike.  

I remember there was a box of tissues in my room and it had a magnolia blossom design on it.  The flower was gorgeous during my infusion. I could see the petals in detail and colors so rich it soothed me instantly.  In fact, I made sure that tissue box was always present in my treatment room.  

I also remember feeling as though I was in the womb; loved unconditionally.  I could love myself unconditionally. New, very new for me.

If I had to add a single word of caution it would be to watch your expectations.  I think that the major drawback for me is that you never really know what is going to happen during that hour you are being administered Ketamine, even though it is the same type of treatment every time, it has proven to me that it is never going to be the same; the treatments I have had have varied each time.  They definitely follow a well defined path, but they have been utterly and completely different. I also noticed over the past four years that the intensity dims. I rarely feel any altered states now. I feel the shift occur in my thoughts and outlook on my life. I can go into a Ketamine treatment depressed, anxious or even suicidal and suddenly I am speaking more optimistically and calling bullshit on the previous dialogue.  The negative thoughts seem unbelievable and untrue when only minutes ago I felt convinced these thoughts and feelings were gospel and unchanging. The only similarity now when I get Ketamine is when things start and when they will end. I can have faith that Ketamine will repeatedly lift the depression and I will walk out of my doctors office feeling symptom free. I often shake my head. I feel like two different people. Susan with the depression filters on and now a version of Susan as I was truly meant to be, when the depression doesn’t hold me hostage.

One last insight from my experience with Ketamine and my recovery.  There may be times when you will not be able to talk to due to the mind activity and the attention you give it.  

When I initially asked Dr. Levine if I could have someone in the room, he did warn me that I might not be capable of talking to my husband.  This was new. To be honest, I didn’t believe Dr. Levine. I hadn’t experienced an inability to communicate. I typically found myself sharing what was transpiring.  I found that I was casually chatting away to my partner about what I was feeling without incident. I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly I was pulled into inner thoughts that I wanted to follow.  Insights. I mentally raced to catch up so I wouldn’t miss anything. I was unable to talk to my husband. I glanced blindly at him. I wasn’t able to see him through the thoughts visually shaping before me.  I was running circles in my mind trying to absorb this gift. A gift. That is how I feel about Ketamine. All my chasing for introspection made it difficult to talk.  

I could hear Dr. Levine’s words in my head saying if it starts to feel overwhelming, just close your eyes.  It will help. And it does. All of a sudden, I said to the room, ‘I am not going to be able to talk anymore.’  I wasn’t afraid. I was intrigued.  

In the end, all of the effects you feel from the Ketamine Infusion are done by the time you leave your appointment.  After four plus years, I feel like there are no lasting adverse effects from my treatments; just the helpful benefits Ketamine provides for me.  The consistent healing and freedom from my depressive symptoms.

If you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.

Hello all.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery.  I now have an excellent treatment plan in place but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders.  My mental health has been my primary focus; often without my permission. Ketamine changed all of that.

In this blog, I will discuss the maintenance regimen of Ketamine therapy.  I want to explore this topic because it has been something I have experimented with and often get emails asking me, “what is the perfect timeline for getting Ketamine booster treatments?”  It is because of the questions being asked, and my experimenting with length or time and dosages of Ketamine, that I would like to address this issue and share what I have discovered to be true for me, as well as, what others have shared with me over the past four plus years.  

The answer in short form, I believe, is that it is different for everyone.  

I feel that awareness of the return of our symptoms and fluctuations in our moods are paramount in figuring out when it is time to get a Ketamine treatment.  It is vital to pay attention to the filter that depression puts on us. What I mean by that is, for me, watching my inner dialogue. When I experience the arrival of fleeting suicidal thoughts, negativity that I can’t escape no matter which psychological tools I use, heaviness that burdens me, issues with the ability to breathe properly,  slight paranoid thinking, lack of motivation or desire to engage in life, wanting to isolate, being angry towards others and self, clouded thinking, the absence of ease in processing information or the clarity of mind that Ketamine gifts me with, and a general feeling that life is now a struggle… I know that when I need Ketamine therapy I feel off in multiple ways.  My world is tainted with depressive thoughts and I can no longer make sense of the cause. Life is challenging under ideal circumstances, but once the depression wants to run the show I know I have limited time before I spiral and need Ketamine again. That instance when I start to believe the ugly truth depression wants me to sink into, and it robs me of the knowledge that depression is in fact a lying bastard, I know I must seek treatment.

I don’t want to discourage anyone with my next statement.  It is important to remind those suffering with treatment resistant depression, those like me, that it takes time to figure out how often we may be required to get Ketamine therapy.  We suffer with the same illness, however, our chemistry and history may differ.

I have learned many difficult lessons in my journey to stay stable and symptom free.  I want to share what I have learned in hopes of potentially helping another. My discoveries have been painful and frustrating.  I find myself typically in a good space now, at least for two weeks at a time, and I have a deep appreciation for what I have cultivated from my stumbles and spirals into that familiar terrain known to me as chemical imbalance depression.  I skate on thin ice when I mislabel exhaustion and situational struggles as chronic depression. I am a work in progress.  The changes in my behaviors and adjustments in my default settings are slower than I would like them to be, but I can recognize the growth and healing that is taking shape.  It has been challenging for me to struggle with the return of the unexplainable symptoms of resistant depression.  

Acceptance has been my nemesis.  

I want to be allies.  

In the beginning, back in 2015, when I was introduced to Ketamine as a therapy or antidepressant for helping elevate my timeless depressive episodes, constant obsession with wanting death by suicide and neverending panic at having to awaken to another day in battle with the beast, I fought madly with the injustices I felt when the symptoms would resurface.  Why and how were these characteristic traits of depression able to push past the walls the Ketamine seemed to be building?  

It took many attempts and failures to figure out how long I could go between appointments with my doctor for Ketamine therapy.  I wanted it to be on my schedule. I was determined to go as long as possible between treatments for convenience and financial reasons.  I wanted control of my illness. I didn’t want to concede. I didn’t want to be a slave to the depression. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that my chemical makeup was going to dictate the guidelines for me.  If I was told by a fellow sufferer that they could maintain their mood and felt stable for a month at a time I automatically went into competitive mode and assured myself I could do the same. I failed time and time again trying to obtain standards held by other Ketamine providers or the people that were sharing their story with me.  

I confess.  I thought that I was inferior.  I was obviously a tragedy because I could go two weeks without Ketamine.  I would come up with creative explanations to nullify my fears that I was abnormal and freakish.  I now believe I was missing the point. I needed to stop comparing my treatment to others and begin to pay attention the the subtle shifts and signs that my mind and body were offering me if I would stop having expectations based on other peoples’ treatment plans. 

Ketamine is incredibly new in terms of treating resistant depression.  There isn’t decades of research compiled and readily accessible to its users.  As the years have grown and passed, there is definitely more being discovered and written about Ketamine and how and why it works, but it often remains a mystery to many of the patients being treated with Ketamine.  I suppose I should clarify and not make generalized statements. It has been a guessing game for me.

I work very closely with my doctor.  I kept diligent mental notes on my experiences.  I have a journal and have written articles on my journey with Ketamine.  I want to educate others as well as get a better understanding for myself.  

It was obstacle after obstacle in the early years of treatment with Ketamine.  

I would attempt to make appointments three weeks out and find myself suicidal after twelve days.  I would usually feel really uplifted and motivated during the first week after my Ketamine therapy and I would plan everything I wanted to get done before my next treatment in those first seven or eight days.  I was working from a fear based mentality as the second or third week were very inconsistent. I couldn’t count on being symptom free. I was resentful of the return of my depressive state and how it was disrupting my life.  I would advance ahead and see accomplishments and growth only to fall flat on my face and spiral down the rabbit hole.

What was I doing wrong?  Why wasn’t the Ketamine patching up all the holes and keeping the flood waters back?  I felt like a tightrope walker crossing dental floss instead of tensioned wires. I could never figure out how to balance myself.

I remember in the first year the confusion I felt with all the new emotions and lacking coping skills to address and manage my life without depression.  It was very new for me; feeling. As much as I detested the devil that is depression, we were intimate partners. I found ways, unhealthy ways, to cope or survive the darkness.  Ketamine allowed and continuously allows the sunshine in. I needed to locate the shades in order to function without being blinded.

Eventually, I  settled on Ketamine therapy every two weeks and began to feel stable in my moods only to think I could change it up again.  “If I am making it solidly from appointment to appointment without the depression resurfacing maybe I no longer need it every two weeks.” I discuss these thoughts with my doctor and quickly change strategies.  I tried going three weeks between treatments and initially I would be ecstatic that I was faltering only slightly before my appointments. I found that after a couple of months I was struggling and having suicidal thoughts.  I called my doctor numerous times for emergency appointments for Ketamine and later agreed to go back to biweekly.  

I was disappointed.  I felt if I was getting healthier that I should be able to make it three weeks without incident.  I didn’t want to lower my expectations because I was using how often I received Ketamine as a measuring stick of my healing success.  I don’t advise this approach. It is not a valid assessment. The brain is going to need the antidepressant properties of Ketamine when it needs it.  It is not about will or ability to cope. Managing one’s life is a separate issue.

I continued to get Ketamine every two weeks for months.  I was grounded and repairing the psychological effects decades of clinical depression bestowed on me.  

It would be in another attempt to prove how well as was doing that my doctor and I would experiment with dosage.  We decreased the amount I was getting to gauge whether limiting the amount given at each appointment was beneficial.  I think I was constantly trying to use Ketamine as a barometer of my success. If less is better, then receiving a lower dose would signal to me that my brain was repairing itself and I would one day be able to have the perfect cells and chemistry to stop needing Ketamine at all.  The problem I faced was accepting that I have mental illnesses and I won’t be able to change that.  

Acceptance.

Grrrrr……

I am sure you can predict the outcome.

Over time, the change in dosage and results were not immediate.  It took several sessions at a new dose before I found myself in darkness and wanting it all to end.  I would reach out to my doctor, again blaming myself for failing to be able to stay symptom free with the change in dosage.

It was always my fault in my mind.

“I should” was a common mantra and one I still find trips me up more than I care to admit.

I suppose my writing on the subject of dosage and length of time between Ketamine sessions is to point out that there is no clear guideline; at least there doesn’t seem to be from the experimentation I have had over the last several years.  It is important to me to share my experience in hopes of helping others avoid many of the mistakes and misconceptions I have had in my journey with Ketamine.

The following are all the ways that I determined my timeline and when I needed Ketamine.  It is my hope that by sharing my experiences and pitfalls that someone may be able to understand their situation better. Every single time my doctor and I tried to investigate a new approach to my treatment, it would take roughly six to eight weeks before I observed myself faltering and struggling to make it to my next appointment.  I would find myself fighting suicidal thoughts. My thoughts became obsessive. I couldn’t process information or events clearly. It was as if a switch had been flipped and everything was overwhelming for me. I felt irrational and self defeated. I was like two different people. It was bizarre for me. My world was confusing and everyone was against me it seemed.  I had a deep appreciation for Jekyll and Hyde. I related to the feeling of being two very opposite people.  

I would be floored once I got my Ketamine therapy and the clarity and hopefulness reemerged.  It was like a rebirth. I could even see the change occurring during my treatment. I’d check in with my doctor and would be moaning about my desire to give up.  I shared my utter lack of ability to function properly and my heaviness that makes me feel as though I am swimming underwater wearing sandbags and looking up through the slime at the life I was leading.  In mid sentence I start to disbelieve the feelings and thoughts I was explaining to my doctor as mine, and begin to correct myself. I couldn’t believe the words I was expressing. They were no longer true.  The Ketamine switched off the depression and I am once again shaking my head and correcting my thoughts and feelings. They were no longer true. How odd. It was as though I was telling a story about a friend.   

Gone.  

Returned.

When Ketamine is acting like an antidepressant,I am free from the demons that try to distort my view of myself and the world around me.  I have grown to be grateful and optimistic and a complete opposite of the wounded and frightened being I am when the depression filter is on.  

Years later, I can tolerate the symptoms better than I used to in the beginning of my journey with Ketamine.  The tools that would help me sort through my thoughts were disabled and I would quickly sink into a pit of depression that felt all encompassing and I couldn’t change it.  It would take several visits to my Ketamine doctor before I felt stable again.

It was at a recent appointment after several months of feeling stable and grounded.  I am managing my emotions and engaged in my life. I feel semi healthy. My doctor suggested we reduce the dose again and I adamantly refused and cited all the reasons why I felt I needed to remain at the same dose and time frame.  I will not allow any further experimenting. New studies may be written and suggestions made about how to treat patients with Ketamine. I know this fact about my recovery: I am not willing to have these new findings wreak havoc on my life.  I have documented my experiences with Ketamine and know what works for me. Our brains, our chemistry and our history vary, and I have found my “perfect window and dose”. I am thoroughly convinced that trying to manipulate the window only causes me setbacks and frustrations.  

I knew that I needed to write on the subject of maintenance schedules and open up about the various ways that I discovered that the guidelines for how often Ketamine should be administered, and how much Ketamine should be used, may in fact be individualized.  

My doctor has increased the dose of Ketamine because I read that higher levels were beneficial.  My experience proved this was not true for me. It may be significant for others, but it wasn’t for me.  I continued to need Ketamine every two weeks despite the increase. My moods were not necessarily better either.  

My doctor has decreased the dose of my Ketamine because he read studies that indicated lower levels of Ketamine were showing that maybe less was best.  I wouldn’t notice any effect for weeks, but eventually found myself in an intensely dark place and needing to return after one week. It typically would mean, for me, receiving Ketamine every seven days for several weeks before I could achieve the results I was used to having and remain stable for two weeks.  I would always come back to 50-55 mgs of Ketamine injected intramuscularly. 

My doctor and I have discussed lengthening the time between my Ketamine shots.  It was often at my request. I was gauging my mental health success on how often and how much Ketamine I was given.  I was struggling to accept my diagnosis and detested the fact that depression would always resurface for me, and I had no control or will over my mental illnesses.  I have gone three weeks, four weeks, eight weeks but always returned to my two weeks schedule when my world would fall around me.

I work on acceptance.  

I can see progress.  

I am finally writing an article about Ketamine maintenance programs.  It has been on my mind for several months. I suppose I needed one last attempt at testing my theories.  It was another botched effort and now I am convinced that I can’t control my illness or “will” the depression symptoms away.  

The facts: Ketamine is my antidepressant.  I am grateful to have found a medication that suppresses or controls the symptoms so I can participate in life.  If I consistently get the dose I need, when I am scheduled to get it, my life and outlook tends to feel stable. That equates to a successful drug therapy in my book.

In closing I will share how I have evaluated my mental health and well being, and how I discovered what my threshold was, and when and how much Ketamine is needed.   

The key to figuring out how long to go between treatments is observation.

These are the tips that have helped me and I hope they can assist you too.  I used almost all these suggestions to help me determine if I needed Ketamine, or if I was just experiencing life as others do; having good days and bad days.  If the feelings remained for more than a few days in a row, I examined and assessed many factors before admitting the depression was present and help was needed quickly (as the symptoms tended , for me, to spiral quickly.)  

In the beginning, all emotions were strange, and I oftentimes mislabeled what I was really feeling.  Depression was the one emotion I was intimate with and never realized that there were degrees to the feeling.  I just clumped all my dark feelings into one room so to speak. There are many levels of depression, and I began to choose different words such as blue, down, exhausted, overwhelmed, melancholy, misery, sadness, unhappiness, sorrow, woe, gloom, dejection, downheartedness, despondency, dispiritedness, low spirits, heavy-heartedness, moroseness, discouragement, despair, desolation, moodiness, pessimism, hopelessness, upset and on and on to figure out what was chemical depression and what was perhaps situational depression.  They are all words that can be interchangeable with the word depression and its symptoms but felt slightly differently to me. That difference helped me determine what my mental illness looked like. When I dip, you dip, we all dip, however it is not all chemical.

It was important for me to pay attention to my moods.  I recorded or made mental notes of fluctuations in my abilities to clearly think without the depression filter; what does that look like and how does it change?  I asked myself questions constantly. Does it appear that my thoughts are more negative and self defeating? Are the tools, to cope, in my toolbox working? What is my motivation level?  How am I sleeping? Remarkably, I noticed that it was more difficult to take a full breath, and I used my breathing as an indicator that the depression may be resurfacing.  

I didn’t use only one assessment to gauge whether I needed Ketamine.  I have learned depression likes to mask itself in many ways, and I was clueless at the subtle differences.  I found it helpful to know the variances so I didn’t just assume the depression was present and stir up the anxiety.  I tested myself. It was valuable and empowering. I could challenge myself and learn tolerance levels.  

Am I able to talk to myself as a “cheerleader” or a kind friend?  Can I believe that the negative thoughts may be wrong? Do I see other options?  Is the desire to isolate present? Can I engage in conversations? Do I want to die or do I need sleep?  I needed to introduce myself to so many new emotions and understand what they felt like and how I managed or didn’t handle them.

Get to know yourself without the depression symptoms, as well as, how things change when the depression resurfaces because it usually will; at least that has been my experience.  These assessments and suggestions have been crucial in my healing and recovery. 

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine versus Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.

Hello all.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery.  I now have an excellent treatment plan in place but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

I am a huge advocate of Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression.  I write about my experiences with Ketamine treatments on my website, MyKetamineStory.com.   I have also written for several Ketamine clinics in the past.  I am excited about writing for The Ketamine Academy; a website that is focused on training practitioners and provides the best opportunity to acquire the knowledge and skills necessary to provide safe and highly effective Ketamine Infusion Therapy in a comprehensive online program.

It is my desire that with my writings I can help those interested in knowing more about how Ketamine can help Treatment Resistant Depression, and other disorders, either for themselves, a loved one, or even for their patients.

I will be discussing my experiences with Ketamine and how it has aided me in healing from decades of suffering with profound and chronic depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.  

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders.  My mental health has been my primary focus; often without my permission.

In this blog,  I have been thinking a lot about my recovery lately.  I feel like I am always fighting to keep centered. However, I can also recognize that at least now I able to do the necessary work needed to obtain my goals.  My desire in life has always been to feel rooted like an oak tree that has been around for more than a century. I need to feel grounded. I want a solid if not a concrete floor beneath me.  I am a very visual person, so images help me make sense of the world around me. I know I want to be that tree with roots so deep into the universe that even the perfect storm can’t destroy it.  I also realize that it takes decades for that to occur, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting that rock solid foundation, yesterday.   

Now, I find I want and strive to experience all that life has in store for me without feeling like I might snap or break.  I am driven to be that strong, flexible tree. I need to be that solid oak that has the ability to bend and sway but remain grounded in its own foundation.

I have felt like I was a free-floating balloon that escaped a child’s hand.  It has often felt so unbearably uncomfortable; incredibly difficult. I had numerous situations arise over the past several years that made me struggle to find my footing.  

In the past year, I have been able to acknowledge and recognize my growth and progress.  I have tiny roots taking shape and digging their way into rich soil. I can feel the sunshine and life around me.  I am growing and flourishing. My tree is budding and leaves are taking shape. Is it possible that I had been looking at my life and journey from the outside?  What does my tree look like? Why is it still so incredibly small and fragile? Why is it taking so long to see and feel the changes? Seasons have come and gone and yet my tree of life appears to be unchanging.  I am constantly reminded that I have a massive amount of work to still do in my recovery and that has shaken me over the years. Could it be that maybe, just maybe, the roots below the surface where I can’t see are taking form, creating a life of their own.  That maybe, possibly, they are increasing in size, building up, expanding, extending, fattening, filling out and maturing?

Maybe.

Absolutely.

I think of my past in many ways.  I ponder and analyze. I use many analogies, such as, if I had been trapped behind boulders, in a cave filled with a colony of bats, I would expect and allow myself the time to work through the nightmares and pain.  I know I would have to remove one stone at a time and there may be incidents where a bat or two would become entangled in my hair and I would have to address that and begin excavating again. I am thoroughly convinced that even the  society I feel, whether it is reality or not, rejected me because I have an illness they can’t see, would understand and accept that I was involved in a frightening and life altering situation; and to return to life as they know it would be an understandable challenge.  There might be an obstacle or two that I have to practice over and over to conquer. I had been trapped in a cave with demons scarier than an orchestra of boogeymen. I am not sure why I thought having Ketamine Infusions or Intramuscular Ketamine shots would also miraculously erase the last 30 plus years of memories, pain and trauma.  Ketamine administered by a qualified professional definitely allows me the ability to utilize all the coping strategies I learned while enclosed in such a dark world.

I think for me, Treatment Resistant Depression can be described as being trapped in that horrifying cave alone and starving for a way to escape.  My precious sapling, stunted. 

No one can reach you. Helpers arrive dressed not in firefighter or search and rescue uniforms but lab coats. They are brought in to dig around and remove the monstrous obstruction blocking you from living life in the sunlight, but to no avail.  More experts are called in.

Silence.  

Alone.

Fighting.

I have known that cave intimately.  I was devastated and trapped. I could often hear people discussing new methods for tearing through the rocks and pulling me to safety.  I have been aware of the attempts these search teams have used, hoping to release me. They have used dynamite disguised in the form of medication cocktails, ECT and hospitalizations.  I still could not crawl out to meet them. I could not welcome the sun.

It was over time and with disappointments that I retreated farther into my cave.  I accepted my fate. I figured after 30 years of my battling to find people willing to continue to aid me in escaping this life long captivity, it just wasn’t going to happen for me.  I was finally ready to let go. I shut down completely. I accepted my fate.

My husband on the other hand refused to give up.  He did not leave me. In my darkest moments he was making the calls.  He was doing the research. He was my voice. I had given up and the bats were feeding on me.  My partner of close to 27 years, through his tears and pain, found a single article about a drug called Ketamine that gave him hope. He started shouting through my darkness about this “old” drug being used in new ways.  Clinical studies were showing evidence that Ketamine given slowly by IV over a period of time significantly improved depressive symptoms in those that had not responded well or at all to traditional methods. It was being introduced as an option for individuals just like me; trapped and lost.  My biggest advocate was calling to me from the outside, but his words would not penetrate my dark world. It is an amazing endeavor my husband took on to save me. I am happy to admit that he finally located that one tool that was powerful enough to demolish that hateful blockage before me that was keeping me from living my life. That successful and life changing product was Ketamine.  Incredible Ketamine.

It has been over four years of treatments, and I am still dumbfounded that one drug could accomplish what every other known method of treatment for my depression could not.  It has given me sunshine.

I think everyone could agree that being surrounded by darkness for decades and then thrown into the light is going to take some adjustment. My eyes burned. My heart ached.  Fear and excitement. I was even more aware of all the time wasted trapped in pure and utter misery. I was exhausted from my grueling attempts to stay alive. I was tired from doing the work it takes to push back all the debris.  I figured my journey would be easier now that I had my Ketamine light showing me the way out. I was naive.

I have been given a torch.  The name of my vessel of light is Ketamine.  We all know that a torch burns out and must be lit again to offer you the brightness needed to see your way around.  Ketamine therapy is no different. We also know that a torch will flicker and tease. 

In the past four years of my Intramuscular Ketamine shots, I have responded in such a positive and successful way.  I continue to make amazing strides towards being the best version of myself. My anxiety has often felt uncontrollable out of fear that I may not have access to the spark that keeps my stick in flames.  It is an unsettling feeling to have only one tool to do the job. I am grateful that this tool exists, but I must also be honest and say I have worried.

It is immensely important to me to educate others about a treatment that could potentially release them from depressive symptoms that have refused to vacate the mind previously.  I finally found that one element to ignite my world with bright vivid colors. I think it was normal to be apprehensive. 

What if it stops working?  

What if I can’t continue to afford it?   

It is not an inexpensive treatment.  I know this. It has not been easy to add a costly treatment to the budget.  So the questions begin. 

What if?  

What if I can’t find a doctor to administer my Ketamine in the future, if something tragic happens to my current doctor?  

My mind went tumbling.  Education is absolutely needed so that more providers can learn about the benefits and start offering Ketamine at a more reasonable price.  The Ketamine Academy is an online training course that can help more providers have the opportunity to help administer Ketamine to their patients and actively participate in burrowing through the boulders and shining light on our diminutive sprouting roots.  

I know that Ketamine is hope for treatment resistant depression.  I am proof. My life is worth living fully because I am given Ketamine shots every two weeks and it shuts down the depression symptoms for a solid 12-14 days.  

When I was introduced to Ketamine therapy it was amazing that I actually responded to its effects and was symptom free for the first time ever.  I will admit, in the beginning my anxiety increased. Everything felt overwhelming. I wanted to protect my little tree from the harsh light and heat in this new environment.  I had so much fear. I was a child with new emotions and insecurities. How would I function and grow? I found that outside help was needed; cognitive and behavioral modification therapies gave assistance in my rebuilding and adding nourishment to my soil and protection to my young tree in order for the roots to strengthen and undergo development and change. 

I have been plagued with some of the same concerns in regards to Ketamine that I have had people ask me about.  Where can I get Ketamine? How will I be able to afford this treatment? Will Ketamine help me? Why isn’t there more providers of Ketamine?  How does Ketamine work? How many treatments will I need? What is Ketamine? What will I experience while undergoing Ketamine? I thought I would only need six treatments of Ketamine so what is a maintenance dose?  How often will I have to get booster infusion of Ketamine or IM Ketamine shot? Why am I still struggling with depression symptoms after completing the six initial Ketamine treatments? 

In the past four years, I have discovered many answers and various aspects of these questions.  I have had similar questions and still do, which is why I advocate for Ketamine therapy. It is why I continue to write and educate on the topic of Ketamine.  I pray that change will occur. I am driven. I would love to see more interest and professionals reaching out to investigate. I truly believe in the benefits of Ketamine.   It is desperately needed to help people suffering with chronic clinical depression; those like me that have not been helped by traditional treatment plans.  

Ketamine is the only medication I have responded positively to, and it has allowed me to heal and be a better version of myself.  It has allowed my dying roots to take shape and mature. It is because of my success with Ketamine that it has caused me to constantly play the “what if” game.  

What if I want to relocate to an area where no one has heard of Ketamine,outside of a nightclub?  

The dark side of me finds that I even ask, what if something happens to my Ketamine doctor?

What if those suffering with treatment resistant depression and those that are suicidal can’t locate a provider or afford Ketamine?  

What if?  

What if?  

I want more answers.

I have invested time and money into this treatment.  I have felt the warmth wrap around my mind and body. I have experienced life without the clouds and rain.  I appreciate the clarity and focus Ketamine allows me. I am thankful for the time I am not engulfed in my illnesses.  In the back of my tortured mind I continue to analyze.  

I have discovered much about myself and my past.  I have accepted facets of my recovery and how the instruments I used kept my seedling alive in that cave away from the sun.

I write to share my experience, strength and hope with others in order to help offer a little bit of hope and reality.

In the beginning of my journey with Ketamine therapy, I was afraid of all these new feelings and concerns.  I mean, I spent 30 plus years struggling to survive. I have become an “amateurish” expert by default. I have acquired many tools for fighting depression.  I understand that even with Ketamine that not all of them can be tossed away. They did keep me alive during trying times in my life. They may not have been the sun, like Ketamine, but all the same they were needed.  These tools of mine are useful. It has taken time to realize this information.

I want to add that I saw the sunlight with the help of my Ketamine infusions and I danced.  I started burning all the baggage I found in my cave. I figured I found my cure. I would no longer have to fight.  My work was finished. I thought all I needed was Ketamine therapy and I would be on my merry way.  

I was so arrogant.  

I mean, I would think, “Listen world- I fought for 30 years, isn’t it time for a break or long vacation from depression?”  Why do I need to revisit that cave and make sense out of all the ways I survived. I lived it. I don’t want to swim around in the memories.  I didn’t want to do any more searching. I was finding myself so incredibly hostile. The depression was lifted. Yet here I am still struggling to make sense of the world.  I needed to understand why I still had so much work to do even though the depression was taking a back seat. I was exhausted. I wanted to leave that part of my life in the background.  Be “normal”. My desire was to be like everyone else. Only the problem, and I have painfully discovered this, is everyone is fighting. We all struggle. We all want and need similarly. My depression is just an added filter I see the world through.

I believed the depression kept me from being. I wanted to know why if the depression is no longer present I find myself so angry.  Why do I have to keep moving those damn rocks, stones and pebbles? I felt entitled. Didn’t I deserve a perfect life because I had been through horrific living conditions?  

I was furious.  

I was spinning.  

I was longing only to run, run and keep running away from all the painful reminders of my time sequestered in pitch black with monsters using words and feelings against me.  Have I not been through enough? Am I not amazing just for living through it? I demanded to know if the Ketamine could lift my depression why, oh why, was I still struggling.  I was pissed. I wanted Ketamine to be a miracle drug; a complete and uncomplicated solution.  

Please don’t get me wrong, Ketamine is a phenomenal treatment.  

I am slowly beginning to realize nothing is easy to repair.  I was misled in my belief system. Seriously. I had unrealistic expectations.  I was not at all pleased to learn this lesson. In fact, I was livid.

Ketamine has freed me time and time again.  It has successfully accomplished its primary goal which is relief from suicidal thinking and depression.  It repeatedly pulls me away from that miserable cave I was locked in. I have discovered that unfortunately I now have to learn to live in this new world I found myself in.  

I have to nourish my sprout in order to create that oak tree I envision.

I thought surviving and escaping was the tough work, and once the depression wasn’t filtering my thoughts I would be happy and content.  Wrong. I do have moments when I am at peace. I found a place where joyful is exactly what I am. I have more and more opportunities to feel completely.  I am reasonably happy. In the midst of feeling centered and able to manage my life I falter and fall. We all do.

My question is why do I, or better yet we, continuously believe in results without the work?  

We might spend a year or more getting in shape by eating well, exercising, and being mindful of ourselves and our body in order to reach all our personal fitness goals.  When the results are present we are immensely pleased with ourselves. Yes? Why do we then begin to snack on junk food and skip the gym at the same time thinking we can still keep the trim athletic body we strived daily to obtain?  We all know this is not the reality. Yes? I have realized in the past several years, as I was free floating and slightly miserable, I was approaching Ketamine therapy the same way. I figured I spent decades digging myself out and now with the use of Ketamine therapy I had it all.  I wasn’t going to have to put forth any more of my time and mental energy dissecting and establishing new goals for myself. I thought it would be easy, breezy. After all, the bloody depression was manageable now. Right? I can hear myself asking, what do you mean I still have to tend to my garden and pull weeds to ensure that my tree is given the best opportunities to become a massive oak?  

I think many have fallen or will fall victim to this train of thought.  I know I did. I believe we all may react differently to this knowledge.  Personally, I became full of spite and the rage was causing havoc in my life.  I investigated all of these thoughts with my doctor and my best friend. I discovered recently during my Ketamine treatment session that my anger has lifted a little.  I am beginning to learn acceptance. I am no longer completely angry about doing the work. Maybe I should restate that by saying most of the time I am no longer angry about the work involved to get healthy and staying that way.  I was often aware of how mad I was but not the whys. I reflected. I paid attention. I listened to me. I heard. I am adjusting. I am caring for my baby oak. The roots are taking shape. I am not always aware of what I am accomplishing by following directions and implementing healthy coping skills and listening to the suggestions of others, but I have faith that beneath the sod, dirt and clay my roots are undergoing transformations that I will eventually see.  One day I’ll be able to walk beneath that strikingly beautiful, mammoth, oak tree and know that I actively participated in nurturing that broken sprig.   

I will say after my last Ketamine treatment, it dawned on me I was starting to make progress.  I am growing. I am getting healthier. I find myself proud of all my hard work. In the past few days, I haven’t been as hostile to be around.  I accepted that if I want to keep fit, healthy in mind and allow my roots to multiply I was going to have to continue to workout, so to speak, to accomplish my goals.  

I discovered I was hiding at a metaphoric candy shop pretending to not be diabetic.  I was able to fool myself and others for a short time but I wasn’t able to sustain it for very long before the effects made themselves blatantly obvious with all sorts of new struggles, old messages and illnesses.

I practice centering with mindful meditation and breathing exercises multiple times a day.  I have also found early on that I was totally annoyed by how often I needed to practice. I used to get so outraged at having to constantly redirect my thoughts.  It was difficult for me to understand I had habitually processed information in a frightening cave and they left their own scars. I was inadvertently negatively programming myself.  I had some pretty messed up bugs in my system. I know with my programming I will have to find the root of the problem and add new data. I will need to hit run and wait for the next hiccup to occur and address the issue at that time.  It is a very intricate system. I will need to test it and adjust and retest it again.  I will need to create a healthy soil to keep my tree growing and developing its roots. I am starting to accept that my work is not over and just as a body gains weight and you lose muscles if you feed yourself trash and skip the workouts; the same is true for Ketamine and mental health.  I am no longer angry about the work I have to do; most of the time.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.

Hello all.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery.  I now have an excellent treatment plan in place but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls. I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat depression.

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders.  My mental health has been my primary focus; often without my permission.

In this blog,  imagine if we looked at our Major Depressive Disorder like a design or pattern of domino tiles.  What if Ketamine treatments are only part of the equation in managing our resistant depression and accepting our illness with an open mind and heart?  What if the dots on the tiles signified coping mechanisms past, current and future? In this article, I would like to explore how perception, Ketamine therapy, behavioral modifications and cognitive therapies all play their part in healing as well  as the outcome of recovery.

Ketamine therapy is a huge asset and consistently provides me relief from my profound depression.  I want to add that perceptions are crucial for me, and changing the broken ways I look at my thoughts and feelings has allowed me much comfort over the past several years.

As I sit in front of my laptop the song, New Year’s Prayer by Jeff Buckley plays in my head.  The meaning of his lyrics range in opinions, but what I hear is acceptance and grace. It may be due to my issues with identifying myself with my depression and desires to change that and view myself with a kind voice and a broader understanding that I am more than my sickness.

“Feel no shame for what you are.  Feel no shame for what you are. Feel no shame for what you are.  Fall in light. Fall in light. Fall in light….”  -Jeff Buckley.  I want to fall in light and have no shame for what I am or who I am.  When I fall, it is straight into darkness. I am covered in shame.

Acceptance, which is a constant struggle for me, is needed.

I fight against what I am.

I think, I still confuse having a mental illness with who I am.

I am more than my illness.

Intellectually, I know this.

Emotionally, I do not.

Ketamine is my antidepressant.  A fantastic one at that. I can be lifted into the light and function in the world that I live in.

I feel the dominos fall and I can sense the pressure, the weight, on me.  One by one they fall and I can’t stop it. It is set in motion. One by one.  I still crave the ability to hit pause. I covet and demand to have the skills to control my illness.  I have logically realized that I must accept my brain chemistry and abnormalities, but. I always have a but.  I insist on having the necessity to stop the dominos when I need to.

They fall.  They cascade without my knowledge or understanding.  I am not kind to myself when the symptoms return. They always do.  It can be a slight tap on that first rectangular block, and I don’t always see the motion.  There are times when I am aware that the game is about to begin and I feel the panic. One by one they tumble.  I am ashamed. I want to close off the world. I want to freeze time so I can heal. I want to stop the progression.  The moving forward. The tiles are too massive and they lean heavily on me. The motion is grand. It is a force I can’t stop.  I can witness it happening. It makes me afraid.

Afraid of life.  

Terrified of the desire to end it.

An intense and hateful disruption.  

My life, sometimes, is in slow motion, and I feel a profound self loathing at my lack of finesse.  I am incapable of controlling how my mind operates. I want to be that crafty, but years of failures proves to me that this illness is not about willpower or desire.  If it were about tenacity, I would have been cured eons ago. I recognize that my brain developed differently, for whatever reason, and that lack of full comprehension and education trips me up.  The emotional being that I am believes, oftentimes extremely convincingly to me, that I am being punished for not being “good enough”.

The if onlys chant inside my head.

However, I know that I am not my illness.

I will honestly admit that I resent those that stigmatise mental illness, but there are times when I am myself an active participant.  It has been several years now that I have been able to find relief from my Treatment Resistant Depression, Anxiety Disorders and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with the aid of Ketamine Therapy, yet I continue to identify myself with these labels.  Tragically, I notice as I write this article that I repeatedly capitalize the words Treatment Resistant Depression, Anxiety Disorders and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder even when it is not warranted. I suppose that is about still giving my mental illnesses power and control.  I plan to make every effort to discontinue allowing my disease to label me and stop it from feeling and appearing larger than life. That is how it has felt for decades, forceful and beastly. I am attempting to change my perceptions because Ketamine offers me relief from my symptoms for weeks at a time.  I am capable. I want to fall in light and not darkness. A change in my way of thinking of myself and my illnesses. I am living. It is very helpful to remind myself of this simple concept every opportunity I get.

I am living.

I am not a label, nor my past.

Ketamine offers me a freedom from the exhaustive nature that is Clinical Depression;  I mean clinical depression. I realize that the symptoms that have kept me prisoner for what felt like a lifetime because, let’s be honest here, I have been getting Ketamine for just over four years and that is tremendously minimal compared to the forty plus years I have been struggling to combat this crippling disease, so it is logical that it will take time to heal and restore.  

Once again, I must remind myself that intellect doesn’t equate to emotional maturity.  

Ketamine is a tool that gives me a key to explore and grow.  I must learn to cope. I must face life on life’s terms, and I am not always successful at that task, but many without mental illnesses encounter problems with acceptance and just how baffling living fully can be.

I have realized that since I began my Ketamine therapy I smile; a lot.  I catch myself. I giggle. It must be insane to witness. I want to be a child so it is acceptable to be this silly and gratuitous.  I know I am a little girl learning how the world works all over again. This time without depression, on solid ground, depression free, it tends to be  unwavering and clear. It feels that way to me, after I receive my Ketamine, for the two weeks following my treatments. I am experiencing reality with young eyes, and it is remarkable and worth breathing in.  I just feel a full sense of peace surrounding me, encasing me. It welcomes me back to the living. I embrace it. I have a calm clarity. The fog is lifted and I see the wildflowers once again. The colors are stunning.  I am not lying when I say that the world looks in super sharp focus. My thoughts and insight crystal clear. It isn’t hazy. The depression is at bay.

I realize as I am writing that I have used this description before, but it works for me so I will reiterate.  The closest thing I can compare the intense depression to is a nasty head cold. Remember that feeling? When you fight your way through those miserable days with tissues and cold medicine hoping to get to the other side without your head exploding.  You know, when you reach a point where you are stuffy, can’t breathe, throat hurts from breathing through your mouth, your head is pounding stronger than the base on your child’s car stereo and your only desire is to shut that all down fast. You want to die.  Yes? Maybe? Well, if you were to multiply that by a number close to infinity you might experience what my world was like daily, because that feeling and numerous others never goes away for those with treatment resistant depression. It was relentless for me until I started seeking help from my doctor with Intramuscular Ketamine injections.  I pray that this description might allow you to have a small glimpse into clinical depression. I will admit, nothing my past doctors tried made it possible to get rid of that pesky, deadly head cold. Ketamine destroys that hypothetical head cold and the relief is phenomenal. I am no longer weighed down and sickly. I can breathe. I feel alive and ready to explore.

It has been a week since my last Ketamine shot.  I kept wanting to sit down and create an amazing blog describing this sensational process of recovery.  The days following my Ketamine therapy I have so many ideas and topics to discuss. I’ve been asking myself a multitude of times why is it so easy for me to make the commitment to write when my world is falling apart, when the domino tiles are tumbling and I am symptomatic, yet I can’t find an hour to share how incredible Ketamine is for depression.  

I finally figured out a couple reasons I find it easier to write when the depression resurfaces.  It is familiar and I have spent my lifetime, as far back as I can remember, writing during these circumstances and distress.  It has been a very personal coping mechanism for me to get through during the pandemonium.

I am delighted and slightly ashamed to admit the other reason.  

Can anyone guess why?  

It feels good in a way to put these findings down on paper.  

I mean, it is incredible.  

All these new discoveries, they are so exciting to me.  I breathe in life and exhale the pain; easily. I am living.  I am no longer locked up in my safe home afraid to involve myself in anything outside my own misery.  I am not isolating. I am no longer a prisoner. Ketamine is my key and I am capable of unlocking the door to my mental dungeon.  I feel good. I want to…. live.

I have the ability.  I feel confident. I want to take advantage of this time.  I guess I am still having issues with trust. I write that down reluctantly.  I am terrified that the effects the Ketamine allows me will disappear. The depression resurfaces.  That is a reality that I resist. Maybe I am hesitant to scribe my thoughts of wellbeing out of a strange and obscure superstition; one that I unconsciously entertain that leads me to believe that it will be taken away from me.

The reality is that I have a mental illness that I can’t and probably won’t be free permanently from that fact.  I used to be blinded by the terror of my symptoms. I would get incredibly angry. I would spend countless hours trying to predict when the depression would return.  

I would search for it.  

I would investigate every thought.  I would rob myself of the time I had free from my symptoms trying to prepare for the ultimate doom.  I would question my abilities to think and process. I would build walls to keep the demons away. I thought if I could see them coming I could shut them out.  I could protect myself. I was naive. I am not that powerful. I know I will crash and tumble into pits so low I fear a rope will never reach me.

I resent having that fear.   

I work regularly on these resentments and gain a sense of peace at knowing I can’t control my biology.  It is like a hall pass of sorts.

After four years utilizing Ketamine as my trusted lanyard, my ability to handle the rocky times have improved.  I am aware that when the fear arises it is typically an issue with acceptance of what is. I can’t stop living during the times when I am symptom free out of the terminal dread I associate with my depression.

I have a toolbox full of coping strategies.

I use them.

I falter.

I can’t always distinguish which tools will work or help me.  It was only recently my therapist pointed out all the techniques I was using, as well as my successes, that I had an epiphany.  I could see neither how the tools were helping me or the positive outcomes. I have learned that I minimize or dismiss my achievements especially when I am spiraling down.  When my depression filter is present all I want is reprieve. I would cycle through many techniques of healthy coping without successes I could measure or acknowledge. I assumed these coping strategies were failing.  I was failing. When my therapist brought to my attention all the tools I was using and the results because of them, I was astonished.

I was genuinely flabbergasted.  

I remember bluntly stating to her, “Well, I am still feeling depressed so they must not be working!”  

If I am applying many of my coping mechanisms properly shouldn’t I feel better?  I am using the tools that have been taught to me over the years but it never seems good enough.  I must be doing something wrong. I must be forgetting that one gadget that will propel me forward and through the darkness.

It was during that session that I made a huge discovery; the connection.

I still believe I can control my illness.

I also wholeheartedly deemed myself a failure because the depression was present even after my many attempts to banish it.  

My therapist identified the tools I was using and all the things I was able to do, to accomplish, while feeling the return of my depression.  They are not failures, but achievements. Celebrate the successes. Pride yourself on the small steps you are taking she would gently remind me.

But……

The depression is still showing its ugly face, I would whine.

I have my eyes on the goal, and that is to rid myself from my depression.  I don’t want to feel it; ever.

Unrealistic?

Sure.

However,  I really thought that was what the toolbox was all about.  If I use the strategies I have been taught it would relieve the depression.  What I learned from a recent therapy session was these tools are for managing my life, not to eliminate the thoughts and sensations when the depression wants to take me prisoner and throw away the key.  

Shocking.

Depression demands my attention.  I adjust. It shouts louder. I pick up another tool from my box of tricks.  I dodge. It seeks me out. I often feel exhausted and defeated.

I wasn’t seeing how I was doing things differently.  All I knew was it wasn’t going to leave me alone no matter what I did.  

Let us return to the domino analogy.  

The little successes that I am skipping over during a depressive episode before my next Ketamine appointment have their purpose.  What I am doing differently now allows the tiles, maybe only one tile but that is all it might take to shift the block and momentarily break the flow.  We have all witnessed this phenomenon. The dominos are lined up. They look perfect. There is no flaw in the pattern. Once that first tile is pushed it races to the end.  That first block quickly sets off a reaction. We think we know the outcome. Right? We have predictions. It only takes a micro fraction, unseen to the designer, to skew results.  The rectangular blocks abruptly stop. It takes time for the presenter to approach the design, make corrections and begin the sequence over again.

My defenses, aka behavioral modifications, self talk, and cognitive therapy tricks, create that hiccup.  I may feel a short burst of reprieve; if only temporarily. It does occur. I may not be paying attention to it but it is happening.  It is what allows me to get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, reach out to my support network for encouragement, and go to work. These occurence seem so ordinary to me.  I take them for granted. The ability to question my thoughts, observe my feelings, and react differently have been developed and shaped over the past several years. These skills are on autopilot.  It has been my constant use and evolution of these skills in my toolbox that has made my default settings improve and change. I don’t give myself credit for the work I have done over the years to change the way I operate.  I seem to pay more attention to the fact that the tile is upright and in motion and once again the outcome is still the same; intense, unacceptable depression.

Could it be that the tiles in my domino design are actually my life, and the off-centered block is my depression ???  

Interesting.

That is something I, and others suffering with clinical depression, may want to address or think about.  Ketamine is only half of the equation. We still have work to do and oftentimes that may include adjusting our perceptions, our colorful tiles, about our illness and recovery.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.