flat out depressed
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I totally enjoy writing. I love it. Do you know that feeling when you are looking forward to a particular event or task and then you fall ill the day of ? I do too. I am drained. I am flat out depressed. I want to write but my arms feel like concrete. I am getting my Ketamine shot tomorrow. I am incredibly grateful. I am so in need. I feel a heavy weight on my chest. It hurts to breathe. My day was filled with questions and uncertainty. I was involved in several panic attacks today and my insomnia is out of control. I feel that with the depression comes paranoid beliefs. My world is filtered with some obscure dirty lens. I can pull back the camera and wipe the lens clean and the reality around me is still utterly foggy. I know I begin to think people are against me. I search for all the behaviors to support these thoughts. I was never aware that I did this until maybe a year into my Ketamine treatments. Ketamine opens my eyes to my flaws but more successfully it allows me to see myself in a positive light. Depression tears down your self esteem and desire for life. It makes you hate, yes hate, everything you are. I feel unnecessarily weak in character. I lack my usual confidence. The self assurance I have gained from being free of depression following my Ketamine shots. I can’t wait until I can feel that calm and reassured again. I still find myself afraid that this time the Ketamine therapy won’t work. I am not as terrified as I was two years ago, but I am a natural worrier. Plus, I know now what being without depression feels like. I can’t go back. I fear what would happen to me without Ketamine. When the depression steals my attention I can only focus on disastrous self-destructive thoughts. I have also noticed that colors are not as bright. It is as though I am walking through quicksand. The world and the people in it are all moving and showing all appearances of living but I walk around in a haze; suffocating. I am drowning. I don’t feel like I am a part of society. I am an invisible visitor. I only desire to find my safe place; this often meant suicide. Ketamine is my life preserver. I watch people talking and I believe they are judging me. I am convinced the world is against me. It horrifies me to know that I willingly believe that every single person in the universe hates me. I understand the whys. I loathe depressed Susan. I can’t phantom anyone appreciating me and my mental health issues. I surely don’t. I do feel fortunate that the suicidal thoughts have been minimal. I feel this post is going no where but down. I will close for tonight. I get my Ketamine treatment tomorrow morning. I plan to discuss the effect of Ketamine during my appointment time. I will also blog on my experience with Ketamine infusions with the hopes that knowledge is power. I truly believe that we all have to advocate for ourselves. The more informed we are the better we can address the issues and know what to expect. Ketamine is not like other antidepressants. It doesn’t have side effects to deal with. However, the therapy itself might be something you have to adjust to. I will explain more when I am functioning on all cylinders. I am surprised I was able to journal at all today. It was a struggle. Night.
