on the outskirts
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I made it to Ketamine day. I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days. I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet. It is like a force field. I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me. I am grateful. I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with. I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain. I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage. I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief. I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain. It is constant 24 hours nonstop. I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity. It is so much worse in the winter months. I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is. And what is the point. Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing. I can see the poison and taste it on my lips. I am pushing back. I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting. That depression setting has a password I can’t hack. I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode. I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day. I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today. I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off. I am so appreciative of Ketamine. It is all just too much. The last couple days have not been pleasant at all. I am exhausted. I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease. Ketamine can only do so much. It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……
Heading out to my appointment. I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference. I seriously don’t make this shit up. It is like night and day. Two different people carrying the same baggage. The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag. The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly. Man, I can’t wait for that shift.
