my body is my canvas
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I have been dying to share this story since I decided to develop this website. It was back in September of 2016, well I had been thinking about it months before I approached my family, I asked my husband, son, and his girlfriend to participate in the semicolon movement also known as Project Semicolon. They loved the idea. They all agreed to get semicolon tattoos to support suicide prevention and mental health. My family have experienced decades of my treatment resistant depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalizations. My son’s girlfriend seriously enter his life in the middle of my last major downfall and has unfortunately witness her share of my illness. I was so honored that she agreed to get a semicolon as her first tattoo. That is big. It touched my heart. The fact that none of them hesitated to permanently ink their skins to help raise awareness really made me feel loved and heard. They wanted to support my past and my continuing recovery. That is priceless.
It took a bit of juggling of schedules but in November 2016 we headed to Exposed Temptations Tattoo in Manassas, Virginia to get our tattoos. I contacted Vanis Orr prior to our visit to discuss our tattoos, set up an appointment, and confirmed that we could all come in to see him together. I sent Vanis emails full of images and ideas. We spoke more in depth at the shop. Vanis really listened and designed art we were all so pleased with. We gave him the challenge of having a family in his parlor. He handled himself so professionally. Vanis actively listened as we discussed the meaning behind our tattoos. I highly recommend Vanis Orr. If you are interested in getting a tattoo and happen to be in Manassas, Virginia head over and check out the shop and artists.
During the weeks leading up to our appointment we were texting ideas to each other regularly. My husband sent me a text suggesting I might incorporated the Ketamine symbol into my tattoo. I absolutely loved the idea. It was perfect. I decided what better way to make a statement for Ketamine and Project Semicolon. I was so excited. I already knew I wanted to use a heartbeat with a semicolon. I told Vanis my idea and he brought the Ketamine and Heartbeat semicolon together wonderfully. I wanted the heartbeat on an EKG reading. My goal was to show life and then flat line to represent depression. I added the semicolon
and wanted the Ketamine above the semicolon to show that it was Ketamine that started up my life again. I had to show that with the beat beginning after the semicolon. Vanis nailed my ideas.
I think Brittany, my son’s girlfriend, found her design the most difficult to decide on. I was not surprised. It was her first tattoo after all. She decided to go with an elephant and Vanis did an amazing job implementing the semicolon into his trunk. Brittany named her elephant, Henry. The experience couldn’t have been too bad because she has informed us that she is ready to sign up for another tattoo.
The guys went with a simple design, but the statement speaks volumes in support of suicide prevention. They both choose to honor me by using my favorite color, purple, for the ink. 
It is difficult to see in the photos I am posting and I plan to update later with more professional appearing images. These pictures were taken the day of our tattoos from our phones.
I hope that this post and images inspires more people to go out and support the cause and bring awareness to this critical topic; life.
I am aware and can acknowledge these perceptions I have of myself and how they affect my interpretation of the world around me. The variety of pills I have been prescribed over the years have definitely placed brick walls in my way.
It is disappointing that more people don’t embrace what an amazing life we have been given. I want to live in the now. I am training myself to be present. I won’t lie. It is excruciating. I am trying to discover myself in this new world that has opened up to me and it is quizzical. I am enjoying most of my discoveries even through my confusion. I just don’t want this new world full of half living individuals to destroy me. I am discouraged today. I am working again. It is a challenge. I am grateful that I am able. I feel I have so much to offer. I am running into closed doors and tall unbreakable walls. This is all still so fresh to me. I am processing. I want to be a better person. A whole one. I am having emotions I don’t necessarily have experience with because the depression numbed me. I think, I didn’t know all the emotions I could feel. I have had to redefine my emotional language. What I mean by that is my knowledge of the definitions of feelings was strong. I believed I was in touch and self aware. However, my first hand experience was damaged by my mental illness. I feel with Ketamine I am distinguishing the differences. I will give you an example. As I have stated I have lost many things because of my depression. Friends have passed away. Disappointments, massive ones, have occurred and my depression deepened. I did not grieve. I thought the depression was evidence that I was going through the stages of loss. I have recently realized I was crying when I thought I saw a friend that passed away almost three years ago. It startled me. What was going on? What were the tears about? It had only been a few days since my Ketamine shot. I was perplexed and afraid. Was the depression resurfacing during the period between treatments? I think feeling any sadness at all has been my deepest concern. I question with fear. It was only after months of treatment that I realized everyone gets sad. Grief isn’t clinical depression. Having a day of tears doesn’t equate to a lifetime of spiraling depression or hospitalizations. I have to constantly remind myself. I try every day to use the correct terms to express myself. I feel this is an valuable asset for my recovery. It is definitely a frustrating component. It is also the way in which I have grown most over the past year. I am still a work in progress just like this website…