To be one with the dolphins
I wonder how it would be,
to glide through the waters
so effortlessly
I’d like to climb on a rock
and dive into the sea
to swim with the dolphins
oh to be at peace, I think
To be able to jump into the air
and sail through open space
then splash back into the ocean
where your home would be
These amazing creatures
I admire from a far
to be in there with them
is something I often daydream
SEG
The sadness is in my eyes
True love is what we deny
If we don’t mend things
I do believe my insides shall die
I guess I was once your baby girl
we both know that love should conquer all
If I could go back and undo
All the hurt and sorrow I put you through
I’d take that chance
To erase the dreadful past
But now it’s up to you and me
To make sure to let that rest
And Daddy I’m sorry to relay
That I’m no longer that baby girl
You could send out to play
I’m all grown up
And ready to let go
But there is something you must know
I’ll always be your baby girl
If you’d let me back in
I can never be totally free
Unless I know you are sincerely pleased
The tears will always shed
Until I know we are truly friends.
SEG
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This post will be pretty short. I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands. I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday. It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment. I don’t know if that is possible or not. I may need to call Dr. Levine. I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding. I am in such a dark place. I am hiding and hurting. I am struggling to see the good. I am fighting to keep myself upbeat. I can’t. I am so upset. I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me. I don’t understand. I keep feeling as if I am being punished. I don’t know what for. I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person. I want to give up. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine. I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers. It is the weekend. So, you can imagine the success I am having. Zero. I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having. I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off. My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath. I am so exhausted. I am sick of everything blowing up in my face. It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits. It appears to me that I can’t catch a break. If I do, it definitely seems short lived. I feel this post is a rant. I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life. And what kind of life is this? I seriously can’t do anything. I want to scream. I want to give up. Man oh man, how I want to give up. I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands. The act of typing is unbelievably difficult. I have done my share of crying the past couple days. And why can’t doctors call you back? I am waiting for my labs. According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain. One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently. I will read more on that later. I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does. Could it be because of the intense pain I am in? I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post. I wanted to touch base. I hope to have better news to share soon.
The sun it shines for me
but rain will surely
enter it’s way
for my life is not a picture
in some local magazine
No beautiful mountains to climb
because my pain has washed
them all away
no tall green trees to see this year
because my heart has burned them all down
can’t you see the flames?
Inside, in my mind, to me I
resemble a house made out of glass
my mental illness has taken over
and has began throwing stones
the pieces cut me up as it shatters
The illness, is like lightening or a razor
first it strikes me hard and deep
then cuts my face, my body and my soul
it’s bitter hate I ate
and it’s rotting me away
apart from everything, I simply ask why?
SEG
*I have spent almost my entire life trying to understand mental illness. I figured that once I understood I could then be the puppeteer instead of the puppet. It doesn’t seem to work that way. I wrote this poem in my mid to late twenties. If I got it, I could stop it. Nope.
The clouds are dark
but I don’t care
I find myself dancing, dancing around
in the rain and smelling the fresh air
I close my blue eyes
with so much to fear
the fear of all those ugly demons
that are living so near
I discover I’m at battle
in a war I can’t possibly win
I am fighting with all that I’ve got
but realize that my weapons just aren’t enough
I’m running, running so fast
I run and I never look back
I promise myself to struggle to the end
I must not turn back, until I finally win
SEG
*When I wasn’t writing about depression and death I was struggling to find words to keep me here. A written language I could manipulate to fill all the empty spaces inside. A beautiful picture can emerge through ugliness. I used words and still do to motivate and express myself when I am overwhelmed. The feelings easily expressed themselves on paper. If I didn’t feel heard or couldn’t find my voice I always knew I could find something to write on. I have written on some pretty strange items over the years. I believe I wrote this after being told I had clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I would have been 18.
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I made it to Ketamine day. I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days. I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet. It is like a force field. I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me. I am grateful. I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with. I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain. I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage. I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief. I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain. It is constant 24 hours nonstop. I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity. It is so much worse in the winter months. I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is. And what is the point. Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing. I can see the poison and taste it on my lips. I am pushing back. I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting. That depression setting has a password I can’t hack. I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode. I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day. I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today. I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off. I am so appreciative of Ketamine. It is all just too much. The last couple days have not been pleasant at all. I am exhausted. I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease. Ketamine can only do so much. It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……
Heading out to my appointment. I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference. I seriously don’t make this shit up. It is like night and day. Two different people carrying the same baggage. The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag. The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly. Man, I can’t wait for that shift.
Death it will feel so good to me
open the door Lord,
and please let me in
I have been pounding my head
against the gate for so long now
why won’t you just let me In?
I cry to you, oh Lord
please let me in
but I can’t make out your reply
through all the pain I’m in
I’m losing faith and hope
I am failing to believe in you
Inside I detect the calling
the cry of evil telling me
to commit suicide, that this is the end
I hear the voice so loud and I’m listening
even if that means losing you, I will succeed
I have no life, I have nothing to fear any more
SEG
*This poem like many of my others reflect a common theme in my writings. I know this was written in my twenties while living in Maine. I wrote much on my suicidal depression through out the years, but remarkably most of my poetry was written in my teens. I also loved writing song lyrics and have a notebook full of songs I have written. I think the older I got the more helpful I found putting words into a journal.
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I have been dying to share this story since I decided to develop this website. It was back in September of 2016, well I had been thinking about it months before I approached my family, I asked my husband, son, and his girlfriend to participate in the semicolon movement also known as Project Semicolon. They loved the idea. They all agreed to get semicolon tattoos to support suicide prevention and mental health. My family have experienced decades of my treatment resistant depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalizations. My son’s girlfriend seriously enter his life in the middle of my last major downfall and has unfortunately witness her share of my illness. I was so honored that she agreed to get a semicolon as her first tattoo. That is big. It touched my heart. The fact that none of them hesitated to permanently ink their skins to help raise awareness really made me feel loved and heard. They wanted to support my past and my continuing recovery. That is priceless.
It took a bit of juggling of schedules but in November 2016 we headed to Exposed Temptations Tattoo in Manassas, Virginia to get our tattoos. I contacted Vanis Orr prior to our visit to discuss our tattoos, set up an appointment, and confirmed that we could all come in to see him together. I sent Vanis emails full of images and ideas. We spoke more in depth at the shop. Vanis really listened and designed art we were all so pleased with. We gave him the challenge of having a family in his parlor. He handled himself so professionally. Vanis actively listened as we discussed the meaning behind our tattoos. I highly recommend Vanis Orr. If you are interested in getting a tattoo and happen to be in Manassas, Virginia head over and check out the shop and artists.
During the weeks leading up to our appointment we were texting ideas to each other regularly. My husband sent me a text suggesting I might incorporated the Ketamine symbol into my tattoo. I absolutely loved the idea. It was perfect. I decided what better way to make a statement for Ketamine and Project Semicolon. I was so excited. I already knew I wanted to use a heartbeat with a semicolon. I told Vanis my idea and he brought the Ketamine and Heartbeat semicolon together wonderfully. I wanted the heartbeat on an EKG reading. My goal was to show life and then flat line to represent depression. I added the semicolon
and wanted the Ketamine above the semicolon to show that it was Ketamine that started up my life again. I had to show that with the beat beginning after the semicolon. Vanis nailed my ideas.
I think Brittany, my son’s girlfriend, found her design the most difficult to decide on. I was not surprised. It was her first tattoo after all. She decided to go with an elephant and Vanis did an amazing job implementing the semicolon into his trunk. Brittany named her elephant, Henry. The experience couldn’t have been too bad because she has informed us that she is ready to sign up for another tattoo.
The guys went with a simple design, but the statement speaks volumes in support of suicide prevention. They both choose to honor me by using my favorite color, purple, for the ink. 
It is difficult to see in the photos I am posting and I plan to update later with more professional appearing images. These pictures were taken the day of our tattoos from our phones.
I hope that this post and images inspires more people to go out and support the cause and bring awareness to this critical topic; life.
My sanctuary..
I can go there any time
in my minds eye
or
a trip, willing I’ll travel far
leading me to my safe haven
The closer I get to the lighthouse
the more the ocean
beckons to me.
I am almost there.
All my senses are now wide awake
pleasure and alive inside
The demons don’t live there
they are not allowed
only hope and serenity
thrive
within the lighthouse.
I climb the spiral stairway
leading me home
with each step I feel calmer
the negative energy I carry with me
falls like leaves in the autumn breeze
downward they tumble
leaving me with an empty mind.
Peace
I’m finally there
SEG
*This poem was written after a Buddhist monk read my writings. He challenged me and asked me to write an uplifting poem. The more poetry I post the more you will begin to understand why I was given this assignment. I believe it was written in the late 90’s. It was written in Falls Church, Virginia.
Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. It has been a few days since my last blog. I am disappointed in myself, but only a little bit. I have not been putting my thoughts down. However, I have been able to get all the layouts and background work completed on my website; I am sure temporarily. Although, I am feeling proud to say that I am slightly less stressed now. I, unfortunately, am a type A personality so I am pretty driven. I suppose by nature I don’t know how to relax. I also believe I was conditioned. This personality trait has its benefits as well as pitfalls. I am also carrying the label of OCD sufferer. It also has been my friend and my horrible nightmare. I have to remind myself constantly of the importance of progress. I don’t want to become overwhelmed and frustrated. 
I am aware and can acknowledge these perceptions I have of myself and how they affect my interpretation of the world around me. The variety of pills I have been prescribed over the years have definitely placed brick walls in my way.
I have been fortunate to have had a wonderful therapist for many years. I acquired many tools for combating the demons. I continue to use these coping strategies and can remarkably have them work in my favor. The reason once again for this declaration is the use of Ketamine therapy. Ketamine is truly my friend. I received my Ketamine shots last Wednesday. It has been 8 days now. I usually do pretty well for ten days following my Ketamine shots. It has been a struggle for me this past week with major issues with insomnia. The major culprit for my lack of sleep is excruciating pain in my hands. I have had the symptoms medically investigated with no answers. I believe and according to the Ashton Manual the years of being over-prescribed with benzodiazepines used as treatment for my anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. All the damage my pharmacological history has caused and could have been avoided had I found Ketamine years ago. That is why I have such an intense motivation to get this website more operational. I went through years of trying and testing new cocktails of psychiatric drugs; in hopes to find enough relief to agree with everyone around me – life was worth living. I was not a champion and I wanted out of the game. My doctors were even less successful. They had nothing to offer me. I have grown to despise medications of all kinds. I learned to have a deep mistrust for doctors and their reassurances that this combo would be the winner. Many of the doctors in my past would just increase my ativan or klonopin and the results were numbness and long hours sleeping. I was basically being heavily sedated waiting for the next cocktail to begin taking action and bring me back to life. They all failed. A couple combinations lifted the fog briefly but the side effects were unbearable and my body literally couldn’t handle the doses. There have been many trips to the emergency room; far too many. I am trying to accept my past and be grateful for my future. I battle with the anger I still feel about the years I lost to the hands of pointless treatments. I pray others won’t have to wait and will have the advantage of years of quality living. I am on a mission to spread the word. Ketamine works for Treatment Resistant Depression. Pass it on. Discuss it. Tell a friend, doctor, teacher, neighbor, and why not tell a stranger too. I am starting with this website because it is what I can do right now. As I learn more I am sure to access many new avenues and I will be petitioning for the use of Ketamine as drug therapy for treatment resistant depression. I get overwhelmed. I center myself now. Breathe. I am doing what I can where I am today. This is temporary. I am healing. And healing is not linear I am told.