clinical depression

February 3 2017

the battle

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, battle, clinical depression, demons, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotional battle, fearful, grief, help, hopeful, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, physical battle, running, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, treatment resistant depression, winning

The clouds are dark
but I don’t care
I find myself dancing, dancing around
in the rain and smelling the fresh air

I close my blue eyes
with so much to fear
the fear of all those ugly demons
that are living so near

I discover I’m at battle
in a war I can’t possibly win
I am fighting with all that I’ve got
but realize that my weapons just aren’t enough

I’m running, running so fast
I run and I never look back
I promise myself to struggle to the end
I must not turn back, until I finally win
SEG

*When I wasn’t writing about depression and death I was struggling to find words to keep me here. A written language I could manipulate to fill all the empty spaces inside. A beautiful picture can emerge through ugliness. I used words and still do to motivate and express myself when I am overwhelmed. The feelings easily expressed themselves on paper. If I didn’t feel heard or couldn’t find my voice I always knew I could find something to write on. I have written on some pretty strange items over the years. I believe I wrote this after being told I had clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I would have been 18.

February 1 2017

on the outskirts

susangayhart Blog alone, antidepressants, anxiety, Ashton Manual, Benzodiazepines, clinical depression, day before ketamine, depressed, depression, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, friendships, grief, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine shots, mental health, observing, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I made it to Ketamine day. I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days. I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet. It is like a force field. I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me. I am grateful. I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with. I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain. I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage. I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief. I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain. It is constant 24 hours nonstop. I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity. It is so much worse in the winter months. I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is. And what is the point. Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing. I can see the poison and taste it on my lips. I am pushing back. I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting. That depression setting has a password I can’t hack. I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode. I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day. I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today. I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off. I am so appreciative of Ketamine. It is all just too much. The last couple days have not been pleasant at all. I am exhausted. I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease. Ketamine can only do so much. It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……

Heading out to my appointment. I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference. I seriously don’t make this shit up. It is like night and day. Two different people carrying the same baggage. The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag. The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly. Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

February 1 2017

please

susangayhart Poetry alone, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, evil, faith, insight, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, treatment resistant depression

Death it will feel so good to me
open the door Lord,
and please let me in
I have been pounding my head
against the gate for so long now
why won’t you just let me In?

I cry to you, oh Lord
please let me in
but I can’t make out your reply
through all the pain I’m in
I’m losing faith and hope
I am failing to believe in you

Inside I detect the calling
the cry of evil telling me
to commit suicide, that this is the end
I hear the voice so loud and I’m listening
even if that means losing you, I will succeed
I have no life, I have nothing to fear any more
SEG

*This poem like many of my others reflect a common theme in my writings. I know this was written in my twenties while living in Maine. I wrote much on my suicidal depression through out the years, but remarkably most of my poetry was written in my teens. I also loved writing song lyrics and have a notebook full of songs I have written. I think the older I got the more helpful I found putting words into a journal.

January 26 2017

just another cocktail

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, Ashton Manual, Ativan, Benzodiazepines, clinical depression, depressed, family, hope, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine shots, Klonopin, Major Depressive Disorder, mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD, semicolon movement, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tattoos, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. It has been a few days since my last blog. I am disappointed in myself, but only a little bit. I have not been putting my thoughts down. However, I have been able to get all the layouts and background work completed on my website; I am sure temporarily. Although, I am feeling proud to say that I am slightly less stressed now. I, unfortunately, am a type A personality so I am pretty driven. I suppose by nature I don’t know how to relax. I also believe I was conditioned. This personality trait has its benefits as well as pitfalls. I am also carrying the label of OCD sufferer. It also has been my friend and my horrible nightmare. I have to remind myself constantly of the importance of progress. I don’t want to become overwhelmed and frustrated. I am aware and can acknowledge these perceptions I have of myself and how they affect my interpretation of the world around me. The variety of pills I have been prescribed over the years have definitely placed brick walls in my way.
I have been fortunate to have had a wonderful therapist for many years. I acquired many tools for combating the demons. I continue to use these coping strategies and can remarkably have them work in my favor. The reason once again for this declaration is the use of Ketamine therapy. Ketamine is truly my friend. I received my Ketamine shots last Wednesday. It has been 8 days now. I usually do pretty well for ten days following my Ketamine shots. It has been a struggle for me this past week with major issues with insomnia. The major culprit for my lack of sleep is excruciating pain in my hands. I have had the symptoms medically investigated with no answers. I believe and according to the Ashton Manual the years of being over-prescribed with benzodiazepines used as treatment for my anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. All the damage my pharmacological history has caused and could have been avoided had I found Ketamine years ago. That is why I have such an intense motivation to get this website more operational. I went through years of trying and testing new cocktails of psychiatric drugs; in hopes to find enough relief to agree with everyone around me – life was worth living. I was not a champion and I wanted out of the game. My doctors were even less successful. They had nothing to offer me. I have grown to despise medications of all kinds. I learned to have a deep mistrust for doctors and their reassurances that this combo would be the winner. Many of the doctors in my past would just increase my ativan or klonopin and the results were numbness and long hours sleeping. I was basically being heavily sedated waiting for the next cocktail to begin taking action and bring me back to life. They all failed. A couple combinations lifted the fog briefly but the side effects were unbearable and my body literally couldn’t handle the doses. There have been many trips to the emergency room; far too many. I am trying to accept my past and be grateful for my future. I battle with the anger I still feel about the years I lost to the hands of pointless treatments. I pray others won’t have to wait and will have the advantage of years of quality living. I am on a mission to spread the word. Ketamine works for Treatment Resistant Depression. Pass it on. Discuss it. Tell a friend, doctor, teacher, neighbor, and why not tell a stranger too. I am starting with this website because it is what I can do right now. As I learn more I am sure to access many new avenues and I will be petitioning for the use of Ketamine as drug therapy for treatment resistant depression. I get overwhelmed. I center myself now. Breathe. I am doing what I can where I am today. This is temporary. I am healing. And healing is not linear I am told.

January 22 2017

searching for balance

susangayhart Home antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, ketamine, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. I am painfully discovering that having treatment resistant depression for decades kept me from experiencing life fully. I was drowning under an dark vast ocean invisible to everyone but me. My world has always been plagued by this undeniable feeling that I was different. I believe that I didn’t see the world the ways others did but couldn’t understand why. I have always felt like an alien walking among a huge population. It wasn’t until I had Ketamine in my life that the distinctions were obvious to me. I am floating on the waters I used to live in. I feel so uplifted and positive. I am enjoying the possibilities. However, it is beginning to feel impossible to stay optimistic because the real world is incredibly negative. I can breathe. I want to live. I look for good. I easily see it now. The problem I am encountering is that nagging feeling that most of society wants to break me. There are so many negative people. I understand how my cheerful approach could rub people the wrong way. I am sure it could be annoying. I fight to stay above others misery but I am struggling to find a balance. I get so discouraged. I mean I get it, sort of. The general population haven’t lived in the crushing life sucking pit those of us with Major Depressive Disorder have. My universe shifted with Ketamine. I don’t want to view the world the way I once did and mainly that reason is due to the fact I don’t have the depression filters on. I am in the light. When you’ve lived in pitch black all your life and someone or something, such as Ketamine, switches on a light the effects are profound. Now you can see colors and feel the breeze touching your skin where once the air was stale and world gray. You can truly appreciate the simple things. For me, the blinders of depression are open and I really like what I am seeing and experiencing. I smile more. I openly greet people. I try hard to learn about this new world I am in. I am learning the world is an entertaining place to be alive in. I feel alive. I am alive and ironically everyone else appears to be zombies. Why is everyone so miserable? I want to know, can’t they let go of the pettiness and hating? I am shocked. The place I was existing seems so dull in comparison to life as it is today. I am trying unsuccessfully to grasp the fact that I have had a profound change occur with Ketamine. It lifts the weight and I raise to the top of those petrifying depths of despair. I know and feel the difference. I want to tone down my enthusiasm to be more accepted, but I also refuse to die inside because the people around me are spiritually dead. I am searching for a balance. I was so far away from the living world, and many were, and are unaware. I don’t need others to know my past but I think they would understand my approach if they did. I haven’t figured out why it is so important to me to be understood. I am still exploring. It is disappointing that more people don’t embrace what an amazing life we have been given. I want to live in the now. I am training myself to be present. I won’t lie. It is excruciating. I am trying to discover myself in this new world that has opened up to me and it is quizzical. I am enjoying most of my discoveries even through my confusion. I just don’t want this new world full of half living individuals to destroy me. I am discouraged today. I am working again. It is a challenge. I am grateful that I am able. I feel I have so much to offer. I am running into closed doors and tall unbreakable walls. This is all still so fresh to me. I am processing. I want to be a better person. A whole one. I am having emotions I don’t necessarily have experience with because the depression numbed me. I think, I didn’t know all the emotions I could feel. I have had to redefine my emotional language. What I mean by that is my knowledge of the definitions of feelings was strong. I believed I was in touch and self aware. However, my first hand experience was damaged by my mental illness. I feel with Ketamine I am distinguishing the differences. I will give you an example. As I have stated I have lost many things because of my depression. Friends have passed away. Disappointments, massive ones, have occurred and my depression deepened. I did not grieve. I thought the depression was evidence that I was going through the stages of loss. I have recently realized I was crying when I thought I saw a friend that passed away almost three years ago. It startled me. What was going on? What were the tears about? It had only been a few days since my Ketamine shot. I was perplexed and afraid. Was the depression resurfacing during the period between treatments? I think feeling any sadness at all has been my deepest concern. I question with fear. It was only after months of treatment that I realized everyone gets sad. Grief isn’t clinical depression. Having a day of tears doesn’t equate to a lifetime of spiraling depression or hospitalizations. I have to constantly remind myself. I try every day to use the correct terms to express myself. I feel this is an valuable asset for my recovery. It is definitely a frustrating component. It is also the way in which I have grown most over the past year. I am still a work in progress just like this website…