grief

February 12 2017

today

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, birds, depression signals, ending, grief, gun, hospitalizations, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, my world, myketaminestory, nature, observing, panic attacks, peace, sadness, singing, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, voices

Things have changed for me now
each day now, all I feel is death
I’m aware of only the loneliness and terror
the days and nights
are so unbearable and horrifying

I find pleasure in nothing
why did this have to occur
just when I figured I had improved so?
that the illness had let go of me
but it’s much worse then I could imagine

The colors of the leaves
means nothing to me now
to me they seem rusty brown
even in the spring and summer
I experience nothing of beauty I once saw

I hear no birds singing sweetly outside
nothing but silence in the nature
I try to listen, but all that is there
are the voices in my head
telling me this is the end

My world changed and
Inside I am slowly fading
I’m certain I’ll be joining
The unknown, today
as I hold a gun to my head
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 11 2017

hallow

susangayhart Poetry alone, anger, anxiety, clinical depression, control, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, empty, feelings, grief, health care, help, insurance companies, ketamine, Major Depressive Disorder, myketaminestory, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

They said that they would help me
they voiced that they cared enough
not to let me down or let go so easily
instead they left me feeling empty inside

What they didn’t know is the insurance company
had all the control to what I could have
the people trying to help had no power
the insurance company took it all away

So I sit here feeling so hallow inside
anger is alive within me dancing
around and round, no ability to stop it
panic at the fact that I can’t have what I need

Lost and agonizing over and over again
vacant emotions all I can do is accept it
when I know that I should feel irate
indeed I am but what can I do but let it go

I’m so tired of being sick and lacking relief
I’m being shuffled from place to place
and the expense is killing me, no tears
It’s known that I am alone and vulnerable

So hallow internally that I want to scream
I want to shout out at the system
how am I ever going to trust anyone
when you keep pulling the rug out from beneath me?
SEG

February 9 2017

from where i am standing

susangayhart Blog alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, Major Depressive Disorder, menopause, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, rheumatology, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. It has been a grueling week. I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat. I am reaching out when I need to. That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself. I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations. I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email. I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf. I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling. One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly. That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain. I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself. I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break. If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose. I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain. I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays. All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause. It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause. It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine. I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works? I asked and sure, it is possible. Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email. I understand and respect that. I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley. I am praying he will agree to take the time. I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy. I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted. It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday. I will say that did not turn out very well. They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way. It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell. I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days. I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity. However, the pain is excruciating. I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes. I will be honest I feel overwhelmed. I am not sleeping well, very little. I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot. I don’t know. And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency. I want insight. I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two. I have blood work results and x-rays. I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests. They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain. It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said. I will know more…. with time. I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression. I am very concerned. I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther. It is already worrisome for me. I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago. This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine. I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself. If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time. I feel I am a self aware person. The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off! My default setting is changing. I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position. Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be. As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills. I feel it is killing me. I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment. I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part. I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy. It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters. I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink. I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed. However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under. I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring. I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future. Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer. I hate this feeling. I so do. I don’t understand it. I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation. I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable. Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

February 4 2017

hiding and hurting

susangayhart Blog agoraphobia, alone, angry, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, discouraged, effects without ketamine, feeling hopeless, grief, help, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine shots, menopause, pain in hands, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicidal thoughts

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This post will be pretty short. I am still experiencing excruciating pain in my hands. I believe the worse thing about the pain is it appears to be masking the Ketamine I just got on Wednesday. It is as though I didn’t even get my treatment. I don’t know if that is possible or not. I may need to call Dr. Levine. I feel like the world I am trying to build keeps unexpectedly imploding. I am in such a dark place. I am hiding and hurting. I am struggling to see the good. I am fighting to keep myself upbeat. I can’t. I am so upset. I am working so hard to get my life back and the universe is totally playing against me. I don’t understand. I keep feeling as if I am being punished. I don’t know what for. I am trying to be a good, caring and genuine person. I want to give up. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way after Ketamine. I am trying to get in touch with the doctors working with me to get answers. It is the weekend. So, you can imagine the success I am having. Zero. I was put on a pain medicine to try to combat the intense pain I am having. I am of course having a negative reaction to the medication and spent last night vomiting and being irrationally pissed off. My pain is so bad I would much rather literally die then breathe another breath. I am so exhausted. I am sick of everything blowing up in my face. It is looking like I am going to have to find another job because stocking shelves is subjecting my damaged hands to their limits. It appears to me that I can’t catch a break. If I do, it definitely seems short lived. I feel this post is a rant. I am sick of insomnia and pain disturbing my life. And what kind of life is this? I seriously can’t do anything. I want to scream. I want to give up. Man oh man, how I want to give up. I have had to call out of work the past two day and I can’t see being able to work with these hands. The act of typing is unbelievably difficult. I have done my share of crying the past couple days. And why can’t doctors call you back? I am waiting for my labs. According to my hubby the ones we can see look good so far. I guess that is positive news except for the minor issue of not knowing why I am in such pain. One lab test did read that I am in menopause apparently. I will read more on that later. I have put a call into Dr. Moseley because the Ketamine may not have effected me the way it usually does. Could it be because of the intense pain I am in? I will post poetry over next few days while my hands hopefully heal. I apologize for such a negative downer of a post. I wanted to touch base. I hope to have better news to share soon.

February 3 2017

the battle

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, battle, clinical depression, demons, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotional battle, fearful, grief, help, hopeful, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, physical battle, running, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, treatment resistant depression, winning

The clouds are dark
but I don’t care
I find myself dancing, dancing around
in the rain and smelling the fresh air

I close my blue eyes
with so much to fear
the fear of all those ugly demons
that are living so near

I discover I’m at battle
in a war I can’t possibly win
I am fighting with all that I’ve got
but realize that my weapons just aren’t enough

I’m running, running so fast
I run and I never look back
I promise myself to struggle to the end
I must not turn back, until I finally win
SEG

*When I wasn’t writing about depression and death I was struggling to find words to keep me here. A written language I could manipulate to fill all the empty spaces inside. A beautiful picture can emerge through ugliness. I used words and still do to motivate and express myself when I am overwhelmed. The feelings easily expressed themselves on paper. If I didn’t feel heard or couldn’t find my voice I always knew I could find something to write on. I have written on some pretty strange items over the years. I believe I wrote this after being told I had clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I would have been 18.

February 1 2017

on the outskirts

susangayhart Blog alone, antidepressants, anxiety, Ashton Manual, Benzodiazepines, clinical depression, day before ketamine, depressed, depression, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, friendships, grief, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine shots, mental health, observing, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I made it to Ketamine day. I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days. I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet. It is like a force field. I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me. I am grateful. I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with. I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain. I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage. I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief. I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain. It is constant 24 hours nonstop. I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity. It is so much worse in the winter months. I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is. And what is the point. Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing. I can see the poison and taste it on my lips. I am pushing back. I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting. That depression setting has a password I can’t hack. I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode. I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day. I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today. I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off. I am so appreciative of Ketamine. It is all just too much. The last couple days have not been pleasant at all. I am exhausted. I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease. Ketamine can only do so much. It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……

Heading out to my appointment. I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference. I seriously don’t make this shit up. It is like night and day. Two different people carrying the same baggage. The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag. The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly. Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

January 22 2017

searching for balance

susangayhart Home antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, ketamine, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. I am painfully discovering that having treatment resistant depression for decades kept me from experiencing life fully. I was drowning under an dark vast ocean invisible to everyone but me. My world has always been plagued by this undeniable feeling that I was different. I believe that I didn’t see the world the ways others did but couldn’t understand why. I have always felt like an alien walking among a huge population. It wasn’t until I had Ketamine in my life that the distinctions were obvious to me. I am floating on the waters I used to live in. I feel so uplifted and positive. I am enjoying the possibilities. However, it is beginning to feel impossible to stay optimistic because the real world is incredibly negative. I can breathe. I want to live. I look for good. I easily see it now. The problem I am encountering is that nagging feeling that most of society wants to break me. There are so many negative people. I understand how my cheerful approach could rub people the wrong way. I am sure it could be annoying. I fight to stay above others misery but I am struggling to find a balance. I get so discouraged. I mean I get it, sort of. The general population haven’t lived in the crushing life sucking pit those of us with Major Depressive Disorder have. My universe shifted with Ketamine. I don’t want to view the world the way I once did and mainly that reason is due to the fact I don’t have the depression filters on. I am in the light. When you’ve lived in pitch black all your life and someone or something, such as Ketamine, switches on a light the effects are profound. Now you can see colors and feel the breeze touching your skin where once the air was stale and world gray. You can truly appreciate the simple things. For me, the blinders of depression are open and I really like what I am seeing and experiencing. I smile more. I openly greet people. I try hard to learn about this new world I am in. I am learning the world is an entertaining place to be alive in. I feel alive. I am alive and ironically everyone else appears to be zombies. Why is everyone so miserable? I want to know, can’t they let go of the pettiness and hating? I am shocked. The place I was existing seems so dull in comparison to life as it is today. I am trying unsuccessfully to grasp the fact that I have had a profound change occur with Ketamine. It lifts the weight and I raise to the top of those petrifying depths of despair. I know and feel the difference. I want to tone down my enthusiasm to be more accepted, but I also refuse to die inside because the people around me are spiritually dead. I am searching for a balance. I was so far away from the living world, and many were, and are unaware. I don’t need others to know my past but I think they would understand my approach if they did. I haven’t figured out why it is so important to me to be understood. I am still exploring. It is disappointing that more people don’t embrace what an amazing life we have been given. I want to live in the now. I am training myself to be present. I won’t lie. It is excruciating. I am trying to discover myself in this new world that has opened up to me and it is quizzical. I am enjoying most of my discoveries even through my confusion. I just don’t want this new world full of half living individuals to destroy me. I am discouraged today. I am working again. It is a challenge. I am grateful that I am able. I feel I have so much to offer. I am running into closed doors and tall unbreakable walls. This is all still so fresh to me. I am processing. I want to be a better person. A whole one. I am having emotions I don’t necessarily have experience with because the depression numbed me. I think, I didn’t know all the emotions I could feel. I have had to redefine my emotional language. What I mean by that is my knowledge of the definitions of feelings was strong. I believed I was in touch and self aware. However, my first hand experience was damaged by my mental illness. I feel with Ketamine I am distinguishing the differences. I will give you an example. As I have stated I have lost many things because of my depression. Friends have passed away. Disappointments, massive ones, have occurred and my depression deepened. I did not grieve. I thought the depression was evidence that I was going through the stages of loss. I have recently realized I was crying when I thought I saw a friend that passed away almost three years ago. It startled me. What was going on? What were the tears about? It had only been a few days since my Ketamine shot. I was perplexed and afraid. Was the depression resurfacing during the period between treatments? I think feeling any sadness at all has been my deepest concern. I question with fear. It was only after months of treatment that I realized everyone gets sad. Grief isn’t clinical depression. Having a day of tears doesn’t equate to a lifetime of spiraling depression or hospitalizations. I have to constantly remind myself. I try every day to use the correct terms to express myself. I feel this is an valuable asset for my recovery. It is definitely a frustrating component. It is also the way in which I have grown most over the past year. I am still a work in progress just like this website…