hope

February 13 2017

crying alone

susangayhart Poetry afterlife, alone, anxiety, apprehensive, clinical depression, crying, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, grief, help, hope, insight, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, pain, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tears, weeping

Alone, tears on my pillow
soaked through to my soul
doesn’t seem to matter much
if someone is lying next to me
I still feel hallow inside

Wetness on a torn piece on paper
index finger outlines emotions within
eyes focus on emptiness, I see nothing at all
it’s the same every day and night
suicide races through my mind

The stopping of my heart
words written on the shred of reality
a life that wishes merely to die
the weeping never seems to end
afterlife to me could be a start

I ponder regularly of death
of closing my wet lashes
and finally cease to exist
where I am no longer apprehensive
I solely hunger for my life to conclude
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 9 2017

from where i am standing

susangayhart Blog alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, Major Depressive Disorder, menopause, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, rheumatology, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. It has been a grueling week. I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat. I am reaching out when I need to. That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself. I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations. I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email. I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf. I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling. One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly. That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain. I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself. I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break. If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose. I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain. I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays. All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause. It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause. It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine. I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works? I asked and sure, it is possible. Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email. I understand and respect that. I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley. I am praying he will agree to take the time. I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy. I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted. It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday. I will say that did not turn out very well. They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way. It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell. I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days. I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity. However, the pain is excruciating. I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes. I will be honest I feel overwhelmed. I am not sleeping well, very little. I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot. I don’t know. And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency. I want insight. I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two. I have blood work results and x-rays. I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests. They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain. It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said. I will know more…. with time. I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression. I am very concerned. I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther. It is already worrisome for me. I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago. This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine. I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself. If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time. I feel I am a self aware person. The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off! My default setting is changing. I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position. Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be. As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills. I feel it is killing me. I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment. I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part. I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy. It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters. I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink. I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed. However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under. I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring. I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future. Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer. I hate this feeling. I so do. I don’t understand it. I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation. I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable. Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

February 6 2017

one with the dolphins

susangayhart Poetry admire, alone, creatures, desire, dolphins, freedom, friendships, hope, longing, love, meditation, mindful, ocean, one, peace, self aware

To be one with the dolphins
I wonder how it would be,
to glide through the waters
so effortlessly

I’d like to climb on a rock
and dive into the sea
to swim with the dolphins
oh to be at peace, I think

To be able to jump into the air
and sail through open space
then splash back into the ocean
where your home would be

These amazing creatures
I admire from a far
to be in there with them
is something I often daydream
SEG

January 30 2017

i’m finally there

susangayhart Poetry Buddhist, Buddhist Monk, emotions, hope, insight, meditation, mindful, monk, observing, peace, self aware

My sanctuary..

I can go there any time
in my minds eye
or
a trip, willing I’ll travel far
leading me to my safe haven

The closer I get to the lighthouse
the more the ocean
beckons to me.
I am almost there.
All my senses are now wide awake
pleasure and alive inside

The demons don’t live there
they are not allowed
only hope and serenity
thrive
within the lighthouse.

I climb the spiral stairway
leading me home
with each step I feel calmer
the negative energy I carry with me
falls like leaves in the autumn breeze
downward they tumble
leaving me with an empty mind.
Peace
I’m finally there

SEG

*This poem was written after a Buddhist monk read my writings. He challenged me and asked me to write an uplifting poem. The more poetry I post the more you will begin to understand why I was given this assignment. I believe it was written in the late 90’s. It was written in Falls Church, Virginia.

January 26 2017

just another cocktail

susangayhart Blog antidepressants, anxiety, Ashton Manual, Ativan, Benzodiazepines, clinical depression, depressed, family, hope, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, ketamine shots, Klonopin, Major Depressive Disorder, mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD, semicolon movement, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tattoos, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. It has been a few days since my last blog. I am disappointed in myself, but only a little bit. I have not been putting my thoughts down. However, I have been able to get all the layouts and background work completed on my website; I am sure temporarily. Although, I am feeling proud to say that I am slightly less stressed now. I, unfortunately, am a type A personality so I am pretty driven. I suppose by nature I don’t know how to relax. I also believe I was conditioned. This personality trait has its benefits as well as pitfalls. I am also carrying the label of OCD sufferer. It also has been my friend and my horrible nightmare. I have to remind myself constantly of the importance of progress. I don’t want to become overwhelmed and frustrated. I am aware and can acknowledge these perceptions I have of myself and how they affect my interpretation of the world around me. The variety of pills I have been prescribed over the years have definitely placed brick walls in my way.
I have been fortunate to have had a wonderful therapist for many years. I acquired many tools for combating the demons. I continue to use these coping strategies and can remarkably have them work in my favor. The reason once again for this declaration is the use of Ketamine therapy. Ketamine is truly my friend. I received my Ketamine shots last Wednesday. It has been 8 days now. I usually do pretty well for ten days following my Ketamine shots. It has been a struggle for me this past week with major issues with insomnia. The major culprit for my lack of sleep is excruciating pain in my hands. I have had the symptoms medically investigated with no answers. I believe and according to the Ashton Manual the years of being over-prescribed with benzodiazepines used as treatment for my anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. All the damage my pharmacological history has caused and could have been avoided had I found Ketamine years ago. That is why I have such an intense motivation to get this website more operational. I went through years of trying and testing new cocktails of psychiatric drugs; in hopes to find enough relief to agree with everyone around me – life was worth living. I was not a champion and I wanted out of the game. My doctors were even less successful. They had nothing to offer me. I have grown to despise medications of all kinds. I learned to have a deep mistrust for doctors and their reassurances that this combo would be the winner. Many of the doctors in my past would just increase my ativan or klonopin and the results were numbness and long hours sleeping. I was basically being heavily sedated waiting for the next cocktail to begin taking action and bring me back to life. They all failed. A couple combinations lifted the fog briefly but the side effects were unbearable and my body literally couldn’t handle the doses. There have been many trips to the emergency room; far too many. I am trying to accept my past and be grateful for my future. I battle with the anger I still feel about the years I lost to the hands of pointless treatments. I pray others won’t have to wait and will have the advantage of years of quality living. I am on a mission to spread the word. Ketamine works for Treatment Resistant Depression. Pass it on. Discuss it. Tell a friend, doctor, teacher, neighbor, and why not tell a stranger too. I am starting with this website because it is what I can do right now. As I learn more I am sure to access many new avenues and I will be petitioning for the use of Ketamine as drug therapy for treatment resistant depression. I get overwhelmed. I center myself now. Breathe. I am doing what I can where I am today. This is temporary. I am healing. And healing is not linear I am told.

January 26 2017

little box

susangayhart Poetry alone, crying, depressed, desire, emotions, help, hope, insomnia, lonely, longing, self aware

My life is like being in a box
that’s to small, way too small
I want to get out desperately
but I can’t find an opening
and I can only hold my breath for so long

No!
there seems to be no one around for me
I can see, I can touch inside my little box
but I can’t communicate with anyone
I’m all alone even though people are nearby me

Isolated!
the way it’s always been for me
and feel like it will always be
I can scream all I want
but no one will hear or ever be there for me

So I just let myself cry and curl up tight
no one will care or ask why
the tears will hurt as they run down my face
I can see someone’s hands reaching for mine
but my arms are too short to grasp hold

I want help yet I find that everyone has disappeared
also love, love I’ll never discover inside this box
within this little box I have put myself in
maybe some day a person will come along to aid
who will free me from this little box, maybe someday
SEG

*This poem was written in Rumford, Maine. I was 17 years old. I believe it was these writings that allowed me to receive a small scholarship during awards night the year I graduated.

January 22 2017

searching for balance

susangayhart Home antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, ketamine, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. I am painfully discovering that having treatment resistant depression for decades kept me from experiencing life fully. I was drowning under an dark vast ocean invisible to everyone but me. My world has always been plagued by this undeniable feeling that I was different. I believe that I didn’t see the world the ways others did but couldn’t understand why. I have always felt like an alien walking among a huge population. It wasn’t until I had Ketamine in my life that the distinctions were obvious to me. I am floating on the waters I used to live in. I feel so uplifted and positive. I am enjoying the possibilities. However, it is beginning to feel impossible to stay optimistic because the real world is incredibly negative. I can breathe. I want to live. I look for good. I easily see it now. The problem I am encountering is that nagging feeling that most of society wants to break me. There are so many negative people. I understand how my cheerful approach could rub people the wrong way. I am sure it could be annoying. I fight to stay above others misery but I am struggling to find a balance. I get so discouraged. I mean I get it, sort of. The general population haven’t lived in the crushing life sucking pit those of us with Major Depressive Disorder have. My universe shifted with Ketamine. I don’t want to view the world the way I once did and mainly that reason is due to the fact I don’t have the depression filters on. I am in the light. When you’ve lived in pitch black all your life and someone or something, such as Ketamine, switches on a light the effects are profound. Now you can see colors and feel the breeze touching your skin where once the air was stale and world gray. You can truly appreciate the simple things. For me, the blinders of depression are open and I really like what I am seeing and experiencing. I smile more. I openly greet people. I try hard to learn about this new world I am in. I am learning the world is an entertaining place to be alive in. I feel alive. I am alive and ironically everyone else appears to be zombies. Why is everyone so miserable? I want to know, can’t they let go of the pettiness and hating? I am shocked. The place I was existing seems so dull in comparison to life as it is today. I am trying unsuccessfully to grasp the fact that I have had a profound change occur with Ketamine. It lifts the weight and I raise to the top of those petrifying depths of despair. I know and feel the difference. I want to tone down my enthusiasm to be more accepted, but I also refuse to die inside because the people around me are spiritually dead. I am searching for a balance. I was so far away from the living world, and many were, and are unaware. I don’t need others to know my past but I think they would understand my approach if they did. I haven’t figured out why it is so important to me to be understood. I am still exploring. It is disappointing that more people don’t embrace what an amazing life we have been given. I want to live in the now. I am training myself to be present. I won’t lie. It is excruciating. I am trying to discover myself in this new world that has opened up to me and it is quizzical. I am enjoying most of my discoveries even through my confusion. I just don’t want this new world full of half living individuals to destroy me. I am discouraged today. I am working again. It is a challenge. I am grateful that I am able. I feel I have so much to offer. I am running into closed doors and tall unbreakable walls. This is all still so fresh to me. I am processing. I want to be a better person. A whole one. I am having emotions I don’t necessarily have experience with because the depression numbed me. I think, I didn’t know all the emotions I could feel. I have had to redefine my emotional language. What I mean by that is my knowledge of the definitions of feelings was strong. I believed I was in touch and self aware. However, my first hand experience was damaged by my mental illness. I feel with Ketamine I am distinguishing the differences. I will give you an example. As I have stated I have lost many things because of my depression. Friends have passed away. Disappointments, massive ones, have occurred and my depression deepened. I did not grieve. I thought the depression was evidence that I was going through the stages of loss. I have recently realized I was crying when I thought I saw a friend that passed away almost three years ago. It startled me. What was going on? What were the tears about? It had only been a few days since my Ketamine shot. I was perplexed and afraid. Was the depression resurfacing during the period between treatments? I think feeling any sadness at all has been my deepest concern. I question with fear. It was only after months of treatment that I realized everyone gets sad. Grief isn’t clinical depression. Having a day of tears doesn’t equate to a lifetime of spiraling depression or hospitalizations. I have to constantly remind myself. I try every day to use the correct terms to express myself. I feel this is an valuable asset for my recovery. It is definitely a frustrating component. It is also the way in which I have grown most over the past year. I am still a work in progress just like this website…

January 15 2017

discover a new treatment

susangayhart Articles, Ketamine Facts agoraphobia, antidepressants, anxiety, depression, ECT, help, hope, ketamine, ketamine infusions, ketamine shots, mental health, myketaminestory, panic attacks, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression

Hello. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. This blog is a work in progress. My desire is to educate both the general public as well as physicians on the use of Ketamine for treating chronic clinical depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 18. I spent nearly 30 years after that searching for treatment to pull me from the depths of suicidal depression, daily panic attacks, insomnia and agoraphobia. I have spent countless times in psych hospitals, often for long periods. I have been prescribed practically every antidepressant on the market at one time in my life. The side effects alone have horror stories that could easily fill an entire 700 page novel. I have felt so desperate to escape the hell I was constantly living in that I tried ECT (electroconvulsive therapy, otherwise known as shock therapy). I believe that after a couple decades of seeking out treatments and several different varieties of therapy to no avail I truly began to believe that maybe it was “all in my head”. However, I could never wrap my mind around that because I was sincerely convinced that I would never willingly choose the world I was suffocating in daily.

Fast forward to 2015, I am once again deep in the pit of depression. I see no hope. I am done fighting. I have attempted to take my life so many times that I can’t recall a number; suicidal depression is always calling your name. January 2015, my light went out. I honestly had no fight left in me. Those of you that suffer know exactly what I mean. Trust me when I say treatment resistant depression is exhausting. I felt like I was fighting an evil so big, dark and all encompassing I couldn’t breathe. I was done. It was my most serious attempt. I left a note that no action should be taken. I apologized, but I could only pray that one day they would know and understand that I loved them and stuck around so, so long for them. The pain, hopelessness and the lack of successful treatment drove me to actions, that unfortunately many understand while others will never get it; to those individuals please be grateful you are so blatantly unaware of the world we were unknowingly and unwillingly sucked into. My last attempt was a serious one. I was so frustrated and angry when I was unsuccessful. My therapist and husband went into research mode and both were equally excited about this new treatment they found for treatment resistant depression: Ketamine infusions. The only problem was that it was a new treatment and insurance won’t cover the cost. I know for many, including myself, the cost of mental health puts a financial burden on the family. We didn’t have extra money to invest in an unknown expensive treatment. I was so angry. Why do we have to put a monetary value on what we are worth? I was at the end. I knew with everything in me I would keep trying to take my life until I was successful because the life I was living was no life at all. My husband and therapist realized I was unreachable. They kept pushing me to give it a try. We used our entire income tax return and traveled to New Jersey (we live in Virginia and at the time there were no clinics or facilities providing Ketamine infusions there) to the Ketamine Treatment Center of Princeton.

It took everything in me to stay alive until we received our tax refund and could travel to the treatment center. It was the longest five weeks of my life. It was filled with doubt that Ketamine infusions could even help me and that driving desire to end my life. In the end, I had 6 infusion treatments over a two week period. And I am thrilled to admit it changed the direction of my life. I was fortunate enough to learn that a doctor in Charlottesville, Va was willing to start trying intramuscular Ketamine shots. When I returned home to Virginia I was feeling rather strange, but in a hopeful positive manner. When I was asked what it was like I could only compare it to an individual that has been deaf all their life and they undergo cochlear implants. I imagine once they wake from surgery everything in their world is shifted, new, scary and a little shocking. I felt like I was experiencing life from the shoreline instead of under the vast powerful ocean waters. My life, it has not been the same. I have discovered me. It is still a lot of personal growth work and I struggle, but Ketamine has allowed me to see clearly. It gives me the ability to do the work because it pulls me up and out of the debilitating depression. I get Ketamine shots every two weeks now. I want to share my experiences, educate, possibly change a flawed belief system, as well as force insurance companies to pay for the cost of treatment. And trust me, the cost is a fraction of the cost of hospitalizations and traditional methods of treatment. In my blog I plan to document my Ketamine treatments, the effects, how it is changing my life, educate others suffering with treatment resistant depression, discuss changing insurance policies to include Ketamine treatments and if I am effective in my writings I am really hoping to open the eyes of psychiatrist and physicians alike.