inflammation and depression

Hello and welcome to my journey through darkness.  My website, myketaminestory.com, is a firsthand account of my past, present and most of all an optimistic future.

I am a blogger that suffers from Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015. I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years of my treatment focused exclusively on my recovery.  I had no choice.  

In March of 2015, Ketamine was an unknown drug, to most of us, for treating resistant depression.  There were very few articles written on the topic of Ketamine. My husband found one of those few articles by chance.  Years later, I am beginning to consider that it wasn’t chance at all.  

I was in immense mental pain and anguish for decades, before the word Ketamine was uttered in my home.  My history isn’t much different from the numerous people suffering daily with chronic depression. There were hospitalizations and countless cocktails of medications that I can only vaguely remember today.  I can, however, remember the horrific side effects and constant suicidal ideation far more readily. It was a constant battle to just live. I didn’t want to be in this world of bleakness and self loathing.  I refused to be another statistic but I truly believed that would be my story.  

Now, five years later, Ketamine has become a huge component of my treatment and future well being.  It seems every March I spend reflecting on my past and how my life has changed and improved because of Ketamine and the hard work I have dedicated to my recovery.

In this blog, I want to revisit the past.  I gain massive amounts of insights when I review where I used to be, where I am now, and how I managed to survive long enough to benefit from the growth.  It has been a confusing endeavor. I wanted to trust the process. I wanted to believe and be hopeful that this life I was living was worth sticking around for, because my quality of life was minimal and I was exhausted from fighting this deadly illness.  I have a new norm. I often discount my ability to cope. It is a progression I don’t always acknowledge to myself. It is a wonderful reminder to reflect and praise myself for all the successes I have achieved. It seems egocentric to give myself credit for walking this walk.  A “look at me” mentality. However, if I am being honest, it is helpful for me to write each anniversary about my journey. I have traveled through what has seemed like an endless desert, carrying heavy weights, feeding my soul with poison, and listening to hateful voices convincing me that life wasn’t worth living.  It wasn’t, before I was introduced to Ketamine.

The first two years I spent trying to dig myself out of that pit of despair and all the damage I had incurred during the years of trying various treatments to aid me and allow me to function in a world that had been only black and hopeless with no success.

My attempts were futile.  It is hard to believe today that I was mindlessly trudging through a desert with all the wrong survival tools.

Ketamine is water.  It nurtures my brain.   

I need constant self validation during the rocky times.  When I am struggling now, my son loves to remind me that “old Susan” would have loved to have the problems I have today.  He speaks the truth, but it is easy to forget when I find myself crawling through the desert.

I don’t get stuck in the dunes like I once did. 

I have an excellent treatment plan in place.  I am learning that with time, more has been discovered about Ketamine –  and that knowledge makes my journey a bit easier to manage. It does not clear me from all obstacles or pitfalls, but it does make it possible to see villages up ahead when I find my feet covered in sand. 

I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. My mental health has been my primary focus; oftentimes without my permission.  I wanted normalcy. I craved it. I believe I always will. I also realize that I am not alone in these desires.

I sometimes feel heavy hearted when I reflect on the numerous failed medication cocktails I tried. The months, years wasted. The horrendous side effects I then had to recover and heal from, not to be outweighed by the withdrawal symptoms these mixtures often produced. 

To remember the desperation I felt when I went against family advice and agreed to undergo ECT treatments.  The months spent inside frozen walls. I would lose years fighting my way to the surface. I would glimpse the light and warmth of the sun only to be torn and unwillingly dragged back to the underworld.

A vicious cycle of torturous hell.

It is healing to know that even during the struggles I face today, I am not hopeless because I know how well I respond to Ketamine and how my world is vastly different from the times before Ketamine.

I have painfully expressed myself over the years. I have dissected my life with my toolbox of therapeutic tricks.  I would repeatedly find myself being a prime candidate for hospitalization. I can proudly say that it has been over five years since I have found myself walking through the doors of a psychiatric ward.  I credit Ketamine for this achievement. I often give all the glory to Ketamine so it helps me to realize that I am doing things differently, too.  

It is not pleasant to bring up memories I want to thoroughly forget.  

It feels like I am watching a movie production of a totally different being when I glance back and see myself laying in limbo back in January of 2015 after an almost fatal overdose. My body was fighting to keep me alive while my mind dove straight for what it thought would be freedom. 

I had given up completely.

I have stated many times before that my husband and son never gave up their search for a way to lift me up and breathe life back into my corpse-like existence.

I am alive today.  It has now been five years, as of March 2, 2020, since I was introduced to Ketamine for depression and received my first Ketamine Infusion. I would love to review, explore, and educate myself and others on just how remarkable Ketamine has been for me with the hopes of reaching down into the dungeons to pull others into the light and offer them hope.

Five years ago, I couldn’t even begin to fantasize about how my life would look if I wasn’t always plagued by suicidal thought and hopelessness.  It seemed unattainable. It had never been possible before and even trying to imagine a life without the clutches of depression seemed so foriegn.

Ketamine breathed life into my once twisted, confusing, angry and hateful view of the world.  It promises to dig deep to locate me. Ketamine offers me all I need. It makes the years of accumulating coping techniques and management skills not an utter waste of time and money.  I am revisiting, on my fifth anniversary, all the therapies I subjected myself to with the desire to help others. I also want to get a renewed vision of where I am now. 

I started picking up old strategies and tools I was taught but could’t benefit from in the past – because the hideous demons claimed ownership of my thoughts and perceptions – to see if they may be useful to me now.  Remarkably, I have ascertained the true depths in which these past therapies can be of practical and functioning aid to me. I absolutely believe I can use them now because Ketamine suppresses the depression filters for long enough periods of time to make growth and healing possible.

Please join me in celebrating life and the phenomenal drug called Ketamine.  I am, on most days, gleeful to celebrate five years of life.

Thank you Ketamine.

I thought I would ruminate.  I want to remember things that have been assets for me, like healing through mindfulness in the hopes of helping other sufferers. I have found centering (mindfulness) and breathing practices extremely beneficial and especially when experiencing daily stress and struggles.  I have implemented grounding techniques, and I now have them firmly in place to avoid being completely swept away by the goblins trying to steal my light. I practice them regularly and find that today I don’t forget they are available to me, and I don’t have to desperately reach for the methods in order for them to help me.  I use them without thinking about it. 

Autopilot.

It wasn’t always that way for me.

I am learning that there are no right or wrong lessons.  I discard the methods that hinder me and hold tight to those precious tools that allow me to redirect and disengage myself from the trolls lingering, patiently waiting, for my self-confidence to waiver or shift. They will attack when I am weak.

I know this.

These trolls, they still find clever ways to taunt me. I find it shocking and anger provoking when I am easily fooled and drawn into their web of deception. I am.  They attack when I am looking at and enjoying the vast array of colors and positive energy surrounding me. They frequently appear in obvious places. They more often come silently up behind me and cloud my vision.

These creatures of horror that keep waving to get my attention, or worse, when these lying zombies threaten to suck hope from me, they are unearthing my powers. They now have to go up against my throng of cheerleaders.

They have to beat Ketamine, too.   

Ketamine has allowed me to recognize their voices.  It took some time and much patience. It has been a bumpy ride, but I am now capable.  I have the ability to differentiate. I can often wade past their self loathing comments and hurtful, cunning lies.  I listen harder for those positive thoughts. I run to the magical voices singing of love, forgiveness, acceptance and healing.  They have my undivided attention now.

Over the years, Ketamine has been a huge asset to me.  It aids me time and time again. I have floaters wrapped around my arms and legs keeping me on the surface. Ketamine is my life preserver.

Ketamine has gifted me with freedom from my illness.  It has shined brightly on the demons, and I can see them for what they are – and what they are not.  They are not truly me. Today, I know without any uncertainty that I am not my disease.

Ketamine graces me with time to learn the subtle shifts.  It has taught me where the haters live. It has made it possible to grow and heal.

In the beginning, for decades, my world was just hateful blackness. A brokedown palace.  My insecurities and fears were cement walls. Decaying. Ketamine has the ability to shine light on all the colors and possibilities.

I pay attention to the direction of my thoughts and pull them back from the edge over and over again.  I am able to do so because Ketamine is working to heal the blacked out parts of my brain that were damaged by my depression.  I can drag my attention away. Redirect. Reprogram. It is frustrating and painful at times. It sometimes seems I will be practicing forever.  Fine tuning.

Writing these types of blogs and casting light on the past reassures me that I am heading in the correct direction.

It may take years to accomplish what my heart and mind desire, but with the help of Ketamine and my tenacious attitude, I can rewrite my story.

When I had my first Ketamine Infusion, on March 2, 2015, I was dead inside.  I had nothing living inside. I remember coming out of my first treatment not feeling much more than that the infusions were very pleasant.  I also remember that as my husband and I were headed back to our hotel, I felt discouraged that the feelings I had during the therapy didn’t spill over and stick.  I was silent. I was trying not to judge. I had five more sessions before I would allow my negativity to flood and drown me. 

I just wanted to go back to bed. 

It was during our drive back to our hotel that my hubby suggested going to a New Jersey Mall and visiting its Apple store that I had my first glimpse of something different happening.

I am not a fan of malls.  In the past, just the thought of shopping and crowds could send me into a panic attack and tears.  I waited for the anxiety. The panic at his wanting me to attempt such a horrendous task. During those days, I spent most of my time indoors suffering with agoraphobia.  I expected anger and tears. Now, I paused with interest. This was different. It felt strange.

I exclaimed, “Wow, that is odd!  I am having thoughts that would have caused tremendous conflict and panic. The thoughts are still present, but my body is not responding.  Isn’t that interesting?”

Mild and unimpressive?  Maybe. I didn’t go to the Apple store that day, but in retrospect  I gained insight and distinctions between my mind and body. 

That would be the beginning. I went on to do all six infusions with tiny glimpses at what life could be like without depression.

I have feared my whole life that my depression was self induced.  Terrified that I was at fault. Ketamine awarded me with the jackpot.  I am not my depression. That might seem obvious but trust me it was far from any truth I believed.

I continue to explore with interest.  I don’t take things at face value. There is always more to a story.  Ketamine has made me an excellent investigator. I am making connections.  What is more amazing is I am making changes; positive growth. 

I am hopeful.

Ketamine opened my eyes.  It offers me insights. It makes it possible to appreciate all the glorious colors.  It opens my mind. I know that Ketamine helps me see past the depression. It reminds me that I have an illness, but I am not my illness.  

I believe in hope.  I was given the opportunity and tools to catch sight of what could be.

It has been five years being treated with Ketamine.  It went by fast. It went by painfully slow. There has been one very obvious change; I am living.

My depression surrounded me and begged for me to give up and follow obediently.  It yanked on every appendage. It demanded my full attention. It promised me freedom.  It is sinful how convincing these lies are when the depression is demanding every thought I have and feel.

This false freedom has a cost.

It will cost me my life.

I have been getting relief from these debilitating symptoms with the help of Ketamine and my creative toolbox, and I can honestly state that I do see growth and healing.  It may have taken a couple years to admit it to myself.

I am living. I have been engaging in life a lot longer – five years longer – than I thought possible.  In a way, it is my anniversary. It is my Ketamine birthday. I feel I was given back my life in 2015.

Ketamine and I celebrated five very interesting years together on March 2, 2020.  It has taken years of daily practicing for me to confidently believe I am capable of dealing with my emotions and that I am healing as a result.  I now have methods for coping with my mental illness firmly in place and tend to successfully avoid being completely swept away by the goblins trying to steal my light.

I want to stress that this has been a process.  I didn’t get to where I am today without bruises and scratches.  It was frustrating work. I need to relay that message not to scare people away, but to make a point.  A realistic assessment. An authentic representation of Ketamine therapy. It takes baby steps. I constantly had to work on my expectations of this treatment.  I wanted results instantaneously. I believe, as I look back over the last five years, that I got the outcome I was ready for at any given moment in time. I struggled with adapting to the changes I was experiencing because my depression was lifted.  It was challenging. I can’t imagine if I was given the gifts I have today because of Ketamine that I would have been ready for them back in 2015.

Let me take you back once again to March 2015.  I was actively suicidal. I was tormented by the hopelessness I felt and an unwavering desire to die.  I had anxiety that consumed and paralyzed me. I was plagued with fear. In my mind, the depression dominated every aspect of my life.  I was a trembling child with a long history of failed treatments.  

I had very low expectations of what the outcome would be following my initial Ketamine infusions.  I had been taught over and over again to distrust all forms of medications claiming to be the next best antidepressant.  I had tried a plethora of drugs claiming to attack or enhance the areas of the mind responsible for depression. I was very familiar with words like serotonin, neurotransmitters and dopamine.  

I didn’t want to, no couldn’t, no wouldn’t, keep fighting in a war that left me decimated and reeling from all the side effects.

In the beginning, after my first infusion, I saw little to no difference in my depression and outlook on my well being once the session was over.  I did feel like I wanted to hold onto the serenity I had experienced during the infusion, but it was short lived. I was exhausted and wanted to go to bed and sleep.

For me, it was my family that first noticed a difference in my mood, long before I did.  It would take all six infusions before I had a couple days in a row where I felt slightly optimistic about the drug and its effects on my depression.  Then it would disappear and I was back in that familiar state of gloom. That was not at all how my husband and son described me during the early days, though.  I was obsessed with the fact that I still felt that heaviness and intense depression. However, my family would repeatedly comment on the fact that I was engaging in conversations, participating in suggestions for dinner, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, wanting to do activities even if I was still unable to be present for them or have the energy to join in.  They could see that I was entertaining thoughts of “wanting to”, which was a shift from hiding in my closet and shutting down completely. This was encouraging to them. As for me, I was still finding it frustrating that the Ketamine didn’t last or at least that feeling of peace I experienced during the infusions hadn’t seemed to linger.

It is all about perspective.  I wanted drastic changes, and they saw the subtleties.  

I was exhausted and uncertain.  They were hopeful.

I did notice the times when I laughed.  I wanted more of that. I wanted so much more, but I was able to determine with the help of outside observations from those closest to me that I was improving.  That gave me courage.

I would soon learn that Ketamine takes time to heal decades of depression and faulty coping mechanisms.

I would say the most difficult part of my recovery has been not understanding the two versions of myself.

I would walk into my doctor’s office feeling suicidal and less than an hour later feeling as though, phew, I can do this.  I will be okay. The depression filters, as I refer to them, were switched off. 

Night and day.  

Two different people.

I also felt intense, extreme, anxiety.  I started trying to predict when the depression would return and prepare for it.  I would overtax my senses. I would plan everything I needed and wanted to accomplish in the five to seven days I was certain I would be free from the beast.  I would force myself to push through the exhaustion because I knew that nasty demon was lurking in the background.

My anxiety was wreaking havoc in my life.

I realized this approach was not helpful.  I decided that I needed to address my obsessive compulsive behaviors that were leading to my extreme and oftentimes debilitating anxiety.

Once I accepted that my recovery was only just beginning, I was a tiny bit more open to trying suggestions and picking up those tools I had buried in my toolbox in the corner of my mind.  

I have had years of cognitive and behavioral modification tools and techniques I was taught during the decades of battling this horrendous disease.  The ones I felt didn’t work to my satisfaction because the suicidal depression had my full attention. It was time to try them all again. It was time to bring in more strategies and coping skills.  I had so much to learn and relearn. I had years of bad habits for managing my depression and anxiety. Many methods that were self harming and self defeating. I had to break the cycle. Ketamine lifted my symptoms long enough to try new things; new ways of coping in healthier ways.

Eventually I would realize that even when the depression would try to claim me, I was able to tolerate it a fraction better than the last time it showed its ugly face.  I was getting better at looking for ways to distract myself from the evils of depression. I began to reprogram and redirect the default settings that were in place due to years of conditioning and lack of ability to do differently.  I had to learn a new programming language so to speak. I had to delete old code and replace it with functions that actually worked and that wasn’t easy. I didn’t know what was working and what was hindering me.

Time and practice.

Practice, practice, practice.

I am learning that I don’t have to like it, but I do have to accept it as it is.  I have to accept myself at any given time as well.

Baby steps.  

Five years seems like a long time, but compared to the thirty plus years I was plagued with unsuccessfully-treated depression, it is truly only a fraction of my life.  Every year I see more healing and growth. The obstacles I once had are non-existent, but new ones appear. I am constantly having to demolish walls I built to protect myself from the enemy known as depression.

The biggest asset I have at my disposal is mindfulness living.  Staying in this moment, handling what is in front of me, the here and now, and trying not to control or predict the future.  I can’t control when the depression visits but I will not let the fear of its return rob me of today.

I do a lot of affirming.  I switch up the way I allow myself to talk to inner Susan.  It is different, difficult, exhausting and frustrating at times, but still an enormous leap from where I was.

As time marches on, I am seeing the progress.  I don’t need my friends and family to point it out to me any longer.  Reminders are welcomed, but not always necessary.

I am no longer filled with red hot rage or the anxiety that kept me stuck and trapped.  I do have triggers that work against me, but I am aware. I have clarity. I have Ketamine routinely offering me longer periods of time away from the devil, and I am eternally grateful.

I pray that others suffering with profound depression will somehow find their way to my website so I can introduce them to the possibilities of Ketamine.  I ask a power greater than myself to bring as many practitioners, fighting for their patients and wanting to participate in positive change, to read my words of hope.

Until next time, feel free to comment or shoot me an email.  Better yet, if you are a healthcare provider, why not sign up for the Ketamine training course today through The Ketamine Academy.  Be a force of positive change.  Be an option. Be a place for those suffering with Treatment Resistant Depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to turn when all other avenues have been exhausted. 

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy.

Hello again. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015.  I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place, but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls.  I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat chronic and resistant depression.

I have written for several Ketamine websites, entirely based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past several years in treatment.  As I approach the five year mark since I began getting Ketamine treatments, I realize just how many ways I am dealing with my life differently.  My journey with Ketamine therapy and healing has not been a linear experience. It has been frustrating at times, and in the same breath, it has been rewarding and uplifting.  Ketamine has changed my life in ways I could never have predicted. In this blog, I will explain how a recent profound and suicidal depressive episode led me to recognize my growth, and my ability to tolerate and navigate the darkness I was in differently.  It was only after my Ketamine injection pulled me up and back into the light that I could reflect on my recent plunge into the dark abyss.  

It has been many months since my last fall into what I classify as irrational depression.  A depression that has no outside cause or link to life stressors. It is a depression that upon waking, my first thought is that I want to die.  There is no reason. It is heavy and illogical to me. I can’t find a start point of an ending. I am stuck in the middle of a nightmare that has no beginning.  It makes it truly difficult to find a way out of it. There is no light source. There are no cheerleaders in my head rooting for me to search for a healthier exit.  It weighs me down. I feel like I want to scream for help, but my words get trapped in quicksand, and I am drowning and being pulled downward. It is physically daunting.  It is concrete on my heart. It is a dense and cloudy haze in my head. It is confusion. It is unforgiving. It robs me of hope. Depression is not new to me. I have battled for numerous decades with this insidious disease.  It is a familiar place for me to find myself. I don’t willingly visit. I burned the directions. It is not part of my default setting. Thanks to Ketamine therapy it has been a long time, so long that I can’t remember the last time I was a prisoner.  

I awoke to terror and aloneness.  What the hell? Where did these thoughts come from?  Why the forbidden suggestion upon waking? It makes no sense to me.  I have learned through the years that depression is not an analytical emotion.  It is a short circuit. A wiring issue in my brain. It is substantial. It is black and red in color.  It is a frightening and unpleasant reality. It feels inescapable. It can hit me faster than an unseen Mack truck on a straight road.  Depression is not my friend, but often times we are forced to live together. Ketamine allows me to send my enemy away for long periods of time.  I do not miss my nemesis while it is on hiatus. I still find myself flabbergasted and outraged when my antagonist returns.  

This is what took place for me about three weeks ago.  I went to bed feeling slightly off, which is not uncommon for me a day or so before my next Ketamine appointment.  I have a harder time sleeping and processing incoming data or stimuli. I discover that it is frustrating to do routine daily activities.  My concentration is hindered. I recognize these as signs that I am due for a Ketamine injection. A maintenance or booster treatment of Ketamine quickly resets me.  I am grateful for Ketamine; that is truly an understatement to how Ketamine really works for me and allows me to engage in a life I never thought possible. My gratitude for Ketamine is immeasurable and lacks a cohesive word to define it.  

As I was saying, recently I went to bed feeling as though my old companion was returning, and I was thankful to have a Ketamine appointment only a few days away.  I work very hard at labeling my emotions differently now. I have an array, a spectrum, that I evaluate my depression so as to minimize my anxiety and fears about the onset of my clinical depression.  I use the word depression when I feel it is chemical and can not be controlled by cognitive behavioral strategies. What I mean by that is, my inability to use my tools to work through my mood fluctuations.  I also feel like it gives my depression less power and control over my life. I understand that it is a word game. However, it does give me a sense of where I am at in my invisible depression graph. It may seem like a false sense of security to those that have never experienced chronic depression, but it helps me to define the degree or level of depression I am experiencing.  I use words like blue, low, unhappy, down, melancholy, sad, heavyhearted, discouraged, upset, and miserable instead of the word depressed because depression has always meant one thing for me. Ketamine has allowed me to experience emotions that feel like chemical depression but tend to be temporary. I highly recommend assessing your moods with various words to find out if you notice a difference or shift in the way to deal with them.  It has been beneficial for me.  

Anyway, I digress.  I went to bed feeling heavy and a sense of dread.  I was fortunate to have the next day off from work because it would have been a call out.  I have fewer days that I can’t leave my house or bed now, but it happens. That morning was a prime example of how clinical depression immobilizes and paralyzes me.  My first thought is that I wish I were dead. That is dark. It is a state of being that I don’t wish on anyone. It is encompassing and consuming. I couldn’t summon the ability to get out of bed.  I knew in my mind and heart that my dreaded companion was back.

In the past, I would have entertained these suicidal thoughts.  I would have ruminated on ways to die. I would have spent the entire day planning and plotting my death.  I would have given up and spent the day feeling victimized by my mental illness. After years of Ketamine therapy, I react differently.  My default setting has changed. I am not always aware of all the growth and progress I have made. I am definitely not known for giving myself credit for the battles I have endured or conquered.  Ketamine has lifted my state of mind numerous times and has allowed me to do the tough work needed to tolerate and manage my illness. I now search for ways to combat the darkness and suicidal thoughts.  It is not to say that I haven’t tried in the past. I did. It was and continues to be exhausting. Distraction and acceptance are underrated. They are also skills that needs fine tuning and practice when I am not in the throes of depression.  I am a novice. I apply myself and implement my tools. Ketamine makes it possible by lifting the symptoms of depression long enough to witness the results of behavior modification techniques. I work regularly with a dialectical behavioral therapist and ask for homework.  I do not want my illness to define me as it has in the past.  I want to optimize my circumstances and take back my power to succeed and not become a statistic. 

On reflection,  I do realize that I have faith that when I get my next maintenance dose of Ketamine, I will be relieved of my depression.  Ketamine is hope. However, I do need to be alive and able to get to my next appointment. Before Ketamine, I never experienced a day when the beast of depression was present.  I had no hope. I tried every traditional treatment available to me. Nothing worked. I was stuck. It is not living.  

One thing I find interesting is how all the tools I have learned over the years always seemed to disappear when I needed them.  I could not assess them or remember what worked for me when I wasn’t in a full blown depressive episode. Now, I am lingering and defeated.  I need to use these tools to keep myself from listening to, the ever growing in volume, gremlins. My disease wants to capture me and torment me.  I want and need some kind of repellent to keep them at bay. In the past, it has been unfortunate, and yet a bit fascinating to me, how I couldn’t locate a single coping mechanism that would help me during the intense depression.  It sure feeds into the statement, “What is the point to all these cognitive and behavioral modification therapies. They never work when I truly need them.”

This past depressive episode has allowed me to experience the fruits of my labor.

My therapist and Ketamine doctor tend to repeat, repeat and repeat the same statements to me.  I suppose it is for my own good; as it seems to me that I am a slow learner.  

“Susan, practice, practice, practice.  When you feel good, practice. When you are angry, practice.  When you are happy, practice. Every opportunity you are given, practice.”

I am resentful.  I can admit that.  I can honestly say that the resentments don’t consume me as they once did.  Yet, there is still much work to do. It is a journey after all and it is not a destination.  I forget that.  

“Susan, practice the art of not knowing.  No one person has all the answers. It is okay to not know.”

What?!?  This is news to me.  I am attempting to be humorous, but there is a ton of truth to my thinking and wanting to know everything about everything.

I am inquisitive. I figure if I know the why’s then I will understand myself and do things differently.  If I see the full picture then nothing with be able to catch me off guard or unprepared. I also love being introspective and self aware.  I used these traits to protect myself from harm or punishment. Unfortunately, I can’t predict the future or how others will respond. That has been a painful lesson for me.  That doesn’t make me happy. It is reality though. I can only control how I act and react. Grrrrr.

“Susan, embrace your feelings and sit with them.  They are what they are so just let them be and feel them.”  I only want to feel positive and good feelings. Who wants to sit with the uncomfortable?  

I practice, practice, practice.  I am not always a willing but a willful student.  

My therapist often reassures me of the difference between willingness and willfulness, because I am extremely hard on myself and have high expectations.  I also confide in her that I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum. She reassures me that I am a willing participant, and it is okay to be upset.  

It never feels okay.

I googled willingness and willfulness and found the following:

Willingness is bringing the attitude of full participation to your life. Willfulness is disconnecting from your Wise Mind and the opposite of willingness. If willingness is realizing you are a part of and connected to life, willfulness is denying reality, refusing to be part of the cosmic process, or giving up hope.

Interesting.

“Susan, whatever you resist will persist.  Practice radical acceptance. Remember that you don’t have to like or approve of everything to find acceptance.”  I will offer full disclosure. This is by far the most difficult for me. I have been working on acceptance, probably all my life, and it kicks my ass over and over again.  It doesn’t matter the type or circumstance, if it doesn’t match with my “prediction” of events I tend to spiral like a spinning top toy. I have dedicated the last couple years to focusing on accepting what is.  Meditation, being mindful of the moment I am in. 

These are just a few statements they tend to reiterate.  There are other bits of wisdom; numerous others. These are the ones that got me through my latest depressive episode.

What is truly amazing is that I could recall these statements and implement them.  I didn’t realize that I was utilizing these messages of hope until several days after my Ketamine appointment when I was speaking with my therapist about how after my last Ketamine treatment I still felt like the depression was lingering and was wondering what that was about.

I laugh and share that I know I am supposed to practice the art of not knowing, but I feel there is something here to investigate.

It was during my session that I discovered that the discomfort I felt while suicidally depressed was intense, and the fact that I was so focused on it after my Ketamine therapy was probably related to fear and anxiety.  It has been awhile since I have been that profoundly depressed. It takes time to heal and move forward. I have mentioned that multiple times in my writings. Healing takes as long as it takes. Time has to be my friend.  She also reminded me that we grow the most when we are so uncomfortable that we make the necessary changes. 

That got me thinking.

I realized that I did so many things different during this last depressive episode.  I was able to use many of my coping techniques without belittling myself for not using my toolbox.  It was an automatic occurrence.  

I used distractions and acceptance.

I was depressed.  That is fact. I couldn’t change it.  I let it be. I didn’t entertain or engage in suicidal thinking and I did act on them either.  I sat with the horrible state and “embraced” it. I roll my eyes at the word embrace because if feels as though I am saying that being suicidally depressed is okay or that I enjoy it; neither is true.  They don’t have to be true to accept what is.  

I was depressed.   

What could I realistically do?  

I immediately thought of a comedy sitcom.  It wasn’t easy to watch, and I got annoyed a lot, but I also laughed a few times and that allowed me to disengage from the incessant chatter the depressive gremlins were offering.  

Whatever works.

The point, for me, is that I search for an alternative.  That is new. The depression was present, however, it wasn’t consuming all of my attention.  

Bonus!

I really felt great knowing that I used so many of the tools and lessons I have been spending my daily life practicing.  It doesn’t seem to make a huge contrast when I am implementing them every day, but it turned out to be a massive difference when I truly needed them to help me through this latest darkness.

In closing, I am finally seeing what all my homework assignments and practices can achieve for me.  If I am patient. If I can remember that healing is not a linear journey. Healing takes time. Practicing reframing my thoughts and seeking out healthier ways to perceive the world around me is vital.  Perception is key. Challenging myself to question my self-defeating thoughts may not stop them from occurring, but I don’t automatically believe everything I think to be absolute truth either. It sure helped me to not feel overwhelmed during a very difficult dark period.  I didn’t fight against myself but had patience with what I was capable of doing in a given moment. The greatest gift was that it was automatic to try to think of what I could do to get through the pitfalls of my mental illness. That has been my highest hope for myself by routinely applying the tools in my toolbox.  It is happening. My default setting is being programmed to aid me and not destroy me.

A small success, but I will take it.  I will allow myself to truly feel a sense of accomplishment.  

That is the journey.  It is the healing process.   I can’t change four decades of programming and processing information in four years.  It is beginning. It is a start. I am able to do the work because Ketamine lifts the depressive symptoms long enough for me to practice.

We all need a platform to stand on and be heard.  I truly believe Ketamine is a worthy topic. I sincerely want to inform as many people as I can.  It is possible that we may all know someone suffering from Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD) or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  I believe they might benefit from Ketamine Infusions or injections. I know that I definitely have, and continue to have amazing success with Ketamine therapy.  I know how frantic I have felt when I had no hope, no light guiding my way. If one person reads this blog and can help themselves or someone they love out of darkness, it is worth the time I put into my writing and sharing.  I know from experience how life-altering Ketamine can be.

I pray that others suffering with profound depression will somehow find their way to my website so I can introduce them to the possibilities of Ketamine.  I ask a power greater than myself to bring as many practitioners, fighting for their patients and wanting to participate in positive change, to read my words of hope.

Until next time, feel free to comment or shoot me an email.  Better yet, if you are a healthcare provider, why not sign up for the Ketamine training course today through The Ketamine Academy.  Be a force of positive change.  Be an option. Be a place for those suffering with Treatment Resistant Depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to turn when all other avenues have been exhausted.  

Ketamine is hope.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past years:

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression  I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine vs Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine needs to be discussed and how it could help you or someone you love.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy.

Hello again. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015.  I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place, but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls.  I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat chronic depression.

I have written for several Ketamine websites, entirely based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 4.5 plus years in treatment.  As I welcome in a new year, I find that after several years of receiving Ketamine therapy for my major depressive disorder there are still many people unaware of the uses for Ketamine and how life changing it can be for those, like me, suffering with debilitating depression; depression  so profound that engaging in daily living was nonexistent. Before I was introduced to Ketamine in early 2015, I never left my home and life was hopeless. It took all my energy and mental stamina just to fight the demons and suicidal thinking. It was exhausting, and I was completely done with trying.  After decades of multiple failed treatments, hospitalizations, and suicide attempts I was out of hope; until my therapist and husband both discovered clinical studies on Ketamine for treatment resistant depression. In March of 2015, I would begin my journey to recovery and fulfillment.

In this blog, I want to discuss why there is such an immense need for more discussions on Ketamine and the immense need for more Ketamine providers.  I feel there is a profound need for more professionals to offer this life saving treatment to those of us suffering with biochemical imbalances in our brains.  I have been fortunate to be aided so dramatically by this old anesthetic.  I couldn’t be happier to discuss how Ketamine is continuing to make a difference in my mental health and prospects for a lasting future.  It deeply saddens me each and every time I check my email and discover a correspondence from fellow sufferers looking for a Ketamine clinic in their area.  There are not nearly enough providers willing to educate themselves on Ketamine in order to administer this quick-acting antidepressant to those of us that have been repeatedly unresponsive to the more traditional forms of medicines for battling our illnesses. 

I am very passionate about Ketamine.  It has made my world colorful and worth living.  It has minimized my depressive symptoms and made it possible to be a functioning part of society.  I believe that this drug could radically change incalculable numbers of people plagued with resistant depression and several other types of psychological illnesses, such as post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety.  It could potentially help with addiction disorders – this is being investigated and the results are positive. It would be extremely beneficial in emergency rooms to quickly treat suicidal ideation. These are huge outcomes for a drug that was once only used in veterinary offices or during surgeries.

Those of us afflicted with treat resistant depression have had to battle months, oftentimes years, with the demons of depression; all the while anxiously waiting for new medications or adjustments to the cocktail of medications we were on to take hold of our minds and begin to show signs that it was benefiting us.  Only to discover that these changes have once again failed us; that after constantly fighting and trudging forward to keep our sanity, and not act out in desperation, these modifications in our medications have rendered us no aid. In fact, it has set us back in time. It has only left us with numerous side effects and a lack of the will to live; at least that was my constant experience over the decades.

Once again, we try yet another advised remedy, or worse we undergo another round of Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) in the hopes of finding relief.  That is not including the countless and horrendous side effects we encounter by being the guinea pig during these trials and errors. The results are always the same – nil – and we slowly and painfully lose the mediocre amount of hope we have remaining.

Ketamine can and has offered hope to many of us burdened with treatment resistant depression.  We scrimp and save for the cost of the therapy and travel distances to obtain our Ketamine infusions or intramuscular Ketamine shots so we can reclaim our lives; the one stolen by this debilitating mental illness. Ketamine is proving to be a life raft to those of us out at sea drowning, weighed down by the chaos depression plagues us with.  We were out of options until fortunately we discovered Ketamine therapy.

The problem is that not all of those subjected to mental illnesses, like chronic depression, know about the uses of professionally administered Ketamine.  If awareness of the ground breaking treatment is known, many can not locate a clinic or doctor willing or knowledgable about Ketamine to begin therapy.

There is a massive need for more professionals willing to educate themselves and extend the service of Ketamine therapy to those of us that may end our stories due to the inability to obtain relief from our horrific symptoms.  Many of us have yet to uncover the advantages Ketamine has to bestow upon us.

We need help.  

Many of us are responding positively to the drug: Ketamine.

I am one of those patients that can attest to the grand differences that Ketamine has extended to me.  I am one of the more auspicious cases. I have the opportunity to inform others like me that there is hope.  It is not an easy undertaking. I know what having no desire to keep fighting and searching for relief looks and feels like.  I want to extend an enormous net into the ocean of sorrow and pull up those struggling for a breath and for life. I want to offer light on the waves that threaten to crush them.   I am determined to help. I know how deep and cruel those waters are. There is a reprieve; a safety boat. It may be overturned and difficult to see through the tears and anguish, but it is floating nearby.  Do not give up. Depression is paralyzing. I know. I know all too well what havoc it can create and just how utterly exhausting it is to fight against the sea monsters tugging at your soul begging for you to succumb to the voices in your head pleading for it all to end.  I know. I was lost in that abyss, too.

I have a voice.  I am using it in the fashion I feel most comfortable.  I am using my words to reach out to those still floundering in the tides.  I speak and I pray you hear me. I pray you find me. I am carrying loads of flashlights in my raft in order to to shine the light on what Ketamine may be able to accomplish for you that other treatments fail to do.  I am sharing my insidious journey in an attempt to pacify your fears and possibly, maybe, potentially pull you to safety; so you may one day stand strong on the sandy beach and view the beauty of the sun setting over the same waters that insist on claiming you.

Ketamine has given me back the ability to swim, to float, to dive back into life with a desire that I once only read about in well crafted storybooks.  Life. It has given me an appreciation of a full breath. It has rewarded me with countless inhales and exhales free from the terrors and trauma that accompany mental illnesses.   I can breathe without the panic and trepidation of swallowing gallons of saltwater; that same vast ocean that once taunted and eluded me for decades has little power over me now. I, may at times, feel tiresome, achy and my muscles and mind want to rest, but I am swimming.   

However, Ketamine is not a very accessible drug for us. There are not nearly enough Ketamine providers. There are still a vast number of people in the medical field that know nothing of the wonders Ketamine is providing for people like me and you.  If they are aware, they often don’t have the means or ability to offer Ketamine therapy. Ketamine needs to be administered in an office setting by trained staff and requires extra time in appointments. I do realize that not every professional available to treat patients with Ketamine knows where to begin, want to take the time to educate themselves, inform their patients on Ketamine therapy, or how to add Ketamine to their treatments plans.  I plead with them to make the time. Ketamine is a lifeline that countless patients can thrive from if given the opportunity.

There are more and more articles being written about the effectiveness of Ketamine in treating resistant depression, as well as other mental illnesses – and not excluding a continuing problem with those serving in the military that return to their families with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders.  This is incredible news for those of us that have been waging a war with our minds for years or decades. 

It is not enough.

There is also an online Ketamine training course, through the Ketamine Academy to help potentially interested parties learn what they need to know to become Ketamine providers.  The groundwork is there.

Yet more is needed.

Talking about Ketamine and becoming a Ketamine provider is crucial.  The reasons are abundant. I want to open the dialogue.

When I first discovered that clinical trials were being conducted with Ketamine for treatment resistant depression, I was at the end of my rope.  I had tried practically every drug on the market for treating chronic suicidal depression. I was even given drugs that showed possibilities for aiding depressive symptoms, but medications used to treat other ailments.  I never responded favorably to any of them. I had even resorted to and underwent ECT treatments to no avail. I was out of options and lost all faith in ever finding relief from my disease.

I was done.  

I was finished.  

I said my goodbyes.

I left my do not resuscitate note on the counter.

I tried one last time to end my life.

I almost succeeded.

My higher power had different plans for me, and I was not at all thrilled with the plan when I awoke after that last suicide attempt.  Little did I know that help was right around the corner for me.  

My husband and therapist, at the time, both found the same short article on Ketamine and the prospects of this drug having positive outcomes for those suffering with chronic depression and a long history of failed treatments.  The key words, treatment resistant depression, sparked interest for them as they read what was highlighted in the two or three paragraphs written about the clinical trials taking place with Ketamine and the positive response they were finding in those afflicted with resistant depression.

That was back in late 2014 and the beginning of January 2015.

It would take months for me to recover, save money, and locate a Ketamine provider in my area.  It was unheard of and my psychiatrist, at the time, actually considered it to be a new age and questionable approach to treating depression, and one, in his opinion, not be trusted.  I imagine that he is not alone in his beliefs. That is an utter shame. Instead, his recommendation for me was literally experimental brain surgery. In all honesty, death looked like a more viable option for me.  I was against the idea of risky procedures that included a scalpel and my brain. I was not interested in his suggestion.  

I would end up traveling six hours to New Jersey and starting treatments at a clinic offering Ketamine infusions. It would only be the beginning of my journey, but it was a beginning versus an ending.

I am living today because of the help of Ketamine.  I am certain of this fact.

I have written of my journey on my website, as well as other Ketamine clinic websites advocating for the use of Ketamine for those suffering from treatment resistant  depression. It has been years now, and I continue to want to educate and offer hope.

It has been over four and a half years since my first Ketamine infusion, and I now receive emails from people world wide trying to locate providers in their area.  The issue, the negative – from my point of view, is that the more Ketamine is talked and written about, the plethora of people obviously wanting to know more about this treatment for depression so that they too may find relief are running into a lack of professionals administering Ketamine or knowledgable on the drug.  I have read numerous emails asking me for assistance in helping them find clinics in their area. I want to help them all. I was in their shoes, and it only intensifies my desire to write and advocate for Ketamine, as well as imploring more professionals to research their options. There are websites like the Ketamine Academy offering assistance with a well constructed online training course, making it accessible and manageable to become a qualified Ketamine provider.  The Ketamine Academy  is affordable and educational.  I highly recommend and believe in the program.  I was excited to hear about an online training course helping qualified individuals become Ketamine providers.  I even agreed to be interviewed for the website. I want to help in any way I can to spread the word about the success Ketamine may offer to those averse to traditional methods for treating clinical depression.

In the beginning of my advocating for Ketamine, it was patients in the United States seeking my help in locating Ketamine providers in their state, but over the last year or so those in Europe requesting information has increased.  They are reaching out to me in order to discover if Ketamine is a viable option for them and where they can obtain it in their area. The colossal problem is the lack of professionals offering Ketamine for depression worldwide. It always saddens me to send replies back to suffering individuals saying that the closest Ketamine facility is hours away from their home, or worse, that it is not yet available in their state or country.  

I have been fortunate to find a doctor willing to work with me.  I am grateful. I truly am. However, even for me it is problematic.

As I sit here writing this article in the comfort of my home, there are hurdles.  My doctor’s office is an hour away. It is no metaphor that I have to travel through the mountains to get to him.  There are actual mountains on my trip to see my doctor. My doctor’s office is 66 miles away but he feels like thousands of miles when he is on vacation.  My depressive symptoms are lurking and I am using my cognitive behavior skills to calm my nerves. Even after four plus years I am no fan of the times when my depressive symptoms filter my mind and world.  It may seem like I am complaining and I suppose on some level I am, but I am still among the lucky ones that have a Ketamine provider available to treat me.

All week long I have been apprehensive about my anxiety of having my doctor away and thinking what ifs. I had to extend my typical appointment span with him and feared that I would be in need of my Ketamine therapy before his return.  I have been using my tools and managing my life better than in the past, there is no denying that. Nevertheless, I know that a delay in my treatment could mean unnecessary backslides for me. I work very hard to keep my symptoms at bay as they can take me down the rabbit hole in days.  I can’t afford to be out of commision. I am a natural worrier. I practice staying mindful and in the day; not predicting my doom. It helps.

I am blessed and privileged to have a Ketamine provider and remind myself of this when I write about those not so fortunate to have a Ketamine provider working with them.

I know that my setbacks are reminders of why we should be talking about Ketamine and the need for more Ketamine providers.  When there is a break in my routine maintenance of Ketamine I know there is a risk of my symptoms returning and what that would mean for me; my inability to function the way I am now accustomed to living. 

The treatments are not cheap, and the risk of losing time due to the return of my depressive symptoms makes life grueling for me.  I lose so much. I struggle with perspective. My world is darker and small obstacles seem monumental to me once the depression presents itself.  My tool box that is usually overflowing with mindfulness techniques and cognitive behavior strategies empties. The tools are there. I just can’t see them.  I can’t remember what to do.

I am in a state of confusion.  

I am that lost and scared little girl wandering back and forth looking for her lost soul.  It is buried. I fight to gain the clarity I now know exists for me, but it gets hazy and out of focus.  I get fueled with hurt and resentments that I can’t shake or let go of. My thoughts race. I feel like I am losing my footing.

I wish that more doctors or nurse practitioners would be willing to administer Ketamine to me and to the copious others that have not found a Ketamine provider in their area.  I get internally angry that I can’t just go in to see my local primary care person and have them administer my Ketamine shot to me. I know I am not alone in the desire to have qualified people willing and able to administer Ketamine.

I rage on in my mind.  I cry out for myself and for the many others continuing the search for help.

During the trying times, I talk to others willing to listen to me.  I try to educate and inform practitioners whenever I have the opportunity on the benefits of Ketamine.  I want them to be open to learning more and possibly be willing and able to administer my Ketamine injection in an emergency.  However, unfortunately, it is not an uncomplicated issue and many are unwilling to commit to being available to me in an emergency, or for long term care for that matter. It is frustrating. I have been getting intramuscular Ketamine injections for years and still I run into conflicts.

It is not that cut and dried.

I am aware of that.  I am.

Being a Ketamine advocate has its rewards, but it is not a trouble-free discussion to have with others.  It is difficult to explain to the common person and often times even more challenging to tackle professionals on the subject of Ketamine.  I literally have had to explain that Ketamine isn’t a pill I can take. It has to be given to me through an injection or infusion. I attempt to explain why.

Yes, I want to scream at times.

I want to pound my fists and stomp my feet.

Listen to me.

I have been getting this treatment for almost five years now.  I am not a novice. I could give it to myself. I should be able to give it to myself.  It is no different than a diabetic giving themselves an insulin shot. I know there is more to it than the simplicity I am writing about now, but still I feel that there has to be a better solution.

I feel outraged.  

I understand logically why Ketamine is still controversial, but my emotional mind doesn’t care.  I know more about the world I will be plunged into if I don’t get treatments. It is not a place I want to visit.

I don’t want anyone to be in that kind of darkness.

Discussions and actions are needed.

When caring individuals in my life don’t understand my predicament and I am unable to explain the quandary I am in, I feel I am doing an injustice to Ketamine, and to others that could be aided by it.  I start to get frustrated explaining to others why Ketamine is not available from just any doctor or practitioner. It is not an easy task. Even as Ketamine is being written and talked about more frequently, there are a throng of professionals clueless about Ketamine and the benefits for patients with treatment resistant depression.  I won’t give up. This topic is too important.

I also know realistically that it is not as easy as just giving me the shot.  I do. I absolutely understand the red tape. Unfortunately, the FDA is involved and not supportive.  Ketamine is classified as a dissociative anesthetic. It is an old drug and there is no money in using Ketamine, as is, to treat depression.  Instead they have big pharma creating a synthetic version of the drug so they may profit. It is all about the dollar, and they are not interested in what a Ketamine-like drug will cause in terms of side effects.  They will surely discover a drug to counter those effects later. I know I sound jaded in my thinking. However, my experience with Ketamine is that there are no long lasting side effects. The drug is out of my system in less than an hour, yet the antidepressant properties of the drug and its benefits to my mental health continue for weeks.  That is not important, apparently. It doesn’t seem to matter that this “old” drug is helping many patients when no other drug or treatment has and could potentially aid thousands if not more depressive sufferers just the way it is.  

I digress. Okay, rant over.

I lied, I will also briefly add, as I don’t want to stray off topic too far,  that I have not even touched on the subject of how many insurance companies refuse to cover Ketamine therapy.  It is ridiculous. It really is. Now, I promise I will end my tirade by simply stating that education is extremely important, needed and required.

I will keep writing and informing any professional willing to give me the time.  I think it is one reason I am writing for the Ketamine Academy.  It is an online training course designed to assist others in the ins and outs of becoming a Ketamine provider.  I know first hand how imperative it is to have more people able and available to administer Ketamine, in a safe environment, in order to reach more sufferers with treatment resistant depression.  I won’t even go into how it could also bring down the costs of the therapy and include even more patients that are in need. I will save that for another blog.

I know that winter is only just beginning and issues with the weather and travel will be a theme for me until Spring.  I can’t express enough how if only there were more providers of Ketamine therapy this would not be an issue for me or others. More importantly, Ketamine could reach more individuals wanting to try this new antidepressant and can’t because it is not affordable or offered in their area.  The depressive people this drug could help is limitless, in my opinion.

I hope you will join me in learning more about Ketamine, by reading my blog posts and sharing with friends and family.  I will be posting regularly on The Ketamine Academy website, as well as on my personal website at  MyKetamineStory.com.  I know what a miraculous drug Ketamine is.  I am absolutely confident that I have lived 4.5 plus years (and counting) longer than I would have if my husband had never discovered an article in 2015, about using Ketamine for treatment resistant depression.  I continue to heal and grow with the help of Ketamine.

We all need a platform to stand on and be heard.  I truly believe Ketamine is a worthy topic. I sincerely want to inform as many people as I can.  It is possible that we may all know someone suffering from Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD) or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  I believe they might benefit from Ketamine Infusions or injections. I know that I definitely have, and continue to have, amazing success with Ketamine therapy.  I know how frantic I have felt when I had no hope, no light guiding my way. If one person reads this blog and can help themselves or someone they love out of darkness, it is worth the time I put into my writing.  I know from experience how life-altering Ketamine can be.

I pray that others suffering with profound depression will somehow find their way to my website so I can introduce them to the possibilities of Ketamine.  I ask a power greater than myself to bring as many practitioners, fighting for their patients and wanting to participate in positive change, to read my words of hope.

Until next time, feel free to comment or shoot me an email.  Better yet, if you are a healthcare provider, why not sign up for the Ketamine training course today through The Ketamine Academy.  Be a force of positive change.  Be an option. Be a place for those suffering with Treatment Resistant Depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to turn when all other avenues have been exhausted.  

Ketamine is hope.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past years:

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression  I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine vs Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine needs to be discussed and how it could help you or someone you love.

Originally Post On The Ketamine Academy

Hello again. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.

I am a blogger that suffers with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was introduced to Ketamine for TRD in January 2015.  I am forever grateful that I was. I spent the first two years focused on my recovery. I now have an excellent treatment plan in place, but that does not clear me from obstacles or pitfalls.  I journal regularly. I educate and advocate for Ketamine Therapy to help treat chronic depression.

I have written for several Ketamine websites, entirely based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four plus years in treatment.  I am now adding the Ketamine Academy to my list of platforms I am grateful to use, in order to educate and advocate for this cutting edge therapy for treatment resistant depression.

In this blog, I really want to explore how consuming treats high in sugar content could potentially negatively impact the benefits of Ketamine therapy.  During the past year or so my depressive symptoms have been controlled by my biweekly Ketamine treatments. I have been, what I would call, stable and able to handle stressors without my depression filtering every situation and interaction.  This has been a huge benefit for me and for my recovery. Ketamine therapy allows me to see the world and the people in it without distortions for weeks at a time. I can function in a world that used to cause me immense fear, isolation, anxiety, thoughts of self harm, profound depression, and alienation.  My inner universe appears completely different. I process my outer world significantly better with the aid of Ketamine treatments.  

Stable.

Capable.

Engaged.

Recently, I have forgotten my lessons on sugar and how it causes fluctuations in my mental illness and sends me down a winding path straight into the abyss.  I believe my addict mentality convinced me that I had abstained long enough from “goodies”; especially chocolates such as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, which are my personal favorite.  I figured that having one now and then couldn’t really hurt me. That is true. Indulging with a forbidden treat once every four years probably isn’t a horrible occurrence.  Unless, you are like me and one is too many and 1,000 is never enough. Partaking in that belief that I can enjoy one peanut butter cup and move on was shattered a few months back and is the reason for my article on sugar consumption and the effects it could potentially have on receiving Ketamine therapy.

It has definitely been my experience that several types of medications hinder the effectiveness of my Ketamine treatments. I have written previously how Benzodiazepines and Marijuana can suppress the efficacy of my intramuscular Ketamine shots.  This curbing in the relief I typically get from Ketamine has occurred, for me, multiple times over the years that I have been using Ketamine as my antidepressant. 

I wrote an article on antibiotics and Ketamine therapy and subsequently added antibiotics to my growing list of drugs that have been super problematic to the usefulness that Ketamine has shown me in its ability to consistently and dramatically reduce or eliminate my severe and oftentimes suicidal depression for two weeks or more at a time.

I feel I must warn others of how habitual consumption of pure sugar or sugary treats could reduce the effectiveness of Ketamine on depression.  It may not be obvious, it wasn’t for me, the subtle changes in mood as well as the length of time Ketamine keeps the demons at bay.   

Please note here that these discoveries are my personal experiences.  I am not a physician. I have spoken to my doctor at length about my concerns with how sugar may be having a negative impact on Ketamine treatments.  I have to laugh because my doctor just nods his head and doesn’t judge me. We are both pretty sure of what this new experiment will show, but we pretend otherwise.   He is kind that way. He applauds my awareness and willingness to admit and change.  

I was growing more and more frustrated by having such a difficult time between Ketamine appointments.  I had been so consistent and stable in the months leading up to this newfound admission and insight. I was in denial of my binging on desserts and the connection to my frequent need for Ketamine therapy before my routine two week standing appointment. It took me a while to be open to my part in the change in the results of my treatment.  Finally, I was discouraged enough to look at what choices I made over the past couple months and it was glaringly obvious that my sugar intake was enormous. I begrudgingly confessed to my doctor and notified him that I was abstaining from sugar. 

Let’s see what happens…… 

I want to prove or disprove that sugar was a direct link to my shift in Ketamine protocol.  

I was pretty sure of what would happen.

I wanted him to know and possibly be proud of me for seeing that my sugar intake was to blame for my need to get Ketamine therapy every ten days and my drastic mood swings between appointments.  

The positive results of sugar abstention were immediate.  Once again I was noticing that my mood swings lessened. I was finding that I didn’t have to juggle my scheduled appointments.  I wasn’t having fluctuations, depressive episodes and making it confidently to my next appointment. It has been six weeks and three Ketamine injections now and the difference is spectacular.  I have consistent moods and I am managing my emotions even during trying times.

In the past, I have been very aware of how sugar increases my depressed mood and inability to function.  I have gone years at a time resisting “desserts” for fear of how they will compound my depressive symptoms.  When asked if I would like a candy bar or a slice of cake I would simply state “no, it severely messes with my depression and it is not worth it.”  When I eat sugary treats I feel as though I am on a rollercoaster that jumped the tracks and the ground seems so far away until I slam into it.  It takes days to recover. It is not worth it.  

I forget.

My memory gets foggy.

It sounds like such a good idea. 

I deserve a treat.

It has been years.  

I have been so good at resisting temptation.  

One can’t hurt.

Delicious.

I throw caution to the wind.  

That is exactly what happened a few months back.  Against my better judgement I splurged. It would take me a couple of months to recognize my behavior and the increase in habitually eating sugary treats to notice how it was affecting me, my depressive symptoms and my Ketamine treatments.

It has been noted in much research over the decades that there is a direct link between sugar levels and insulin levels and how that relationship can alter your mental and physical health.  If you google sugar and depression you may discover numerous articles on the relationship between the two. When I googled sugar consumption and depression just now the first article to pop up is titled, The Connection Between Sugar and Depression.  It discusses seven facts about sugar and depression.  It is not a bad read and only confirms my bias.

...Food can have many effects on your mood and emotions. When you’re hungry and want food, you can be grumpy, upset, or even angry. When you’ve had a delicious meal, you may feel elated and euphoric.

The food you eat can also have long-term implications for your health. Specifically, eating too much sugar may increase your risk for mood disorders, including depression.

What is even more crazy to think about is just how addictive sugar really is and how difficult it is to limit one’s intake.  Sugar is a drug. I have learned this lesson many times. I keep challenging the data but the outcome is always the same for me.  I am not the only one.

…..A study done in rats found that the brain’s sweet receptors are not adapted to constant and high levels of sugar. This intense sweetness can stimulate the brain’s reward center and may be more pleasurable than cocaine, even in people with a drug addiction. In other words, the high from sugar is stronger than the high from cocaine. Your self-control mechanisms are no match for sugar’s strength.

That is insane.  What is disgusting, as well as discouraging, is the methods used to hide sugar in labels and packaging.  Education is key and so paramount for those of us suffering from mental illnesses. If you are using Ketamine therapy as your antidepressant take notice to changes in your Ketamine regimen. 

I also have to bring up another element and that being inflammation on the brain. I feel the more I learn about depression, my depression, and other people’s experiences with depression is that there is definitely an inflammation component to almost every case that I’ve heard about. 

Granted, I’m not a doctor, I haven’t seen hundreds of cases, but the more I read about Ketamine and have my own experiences with Ketamine to reference, the more I am convinced that inflammation is a factor and studies will back me up on this.  I also think the amount of time a person has had to deal with the inflammation and impairments directly correlates as to how long it may take Ketamine to repair and heal the sufferer.

Ketamine is phenomenal. 

I am a living example of the success of Ketamine on combating treatment resistant depression.

As recently as 2016, studies suggested that Ketamine was believed to have the ability to regenerate brain cells. In 2018, an article was written that Ketamine was shown to have a muzzling effect on bursting brain cells. Ketamine has been known for years to restore brain connections. In fact, there have been several articles reporting the neuroregenerative properties of Ketamine.

What does neuroregeneration actually mean? According to a quick google search it refers to the regrowth or repair of nervous tissues, cells or cell products. Such mechanisms may include the generation of new neurons, glia, axons, myelin, or synapses.

In elementary terms that I can understand, Ketamine heals the brain and aids in repairing the damaged cells.

Healing takes time.

How much time it takes Ketamine to heal the brain could be linked to the extent to which a person has been afflicted.

I think it is important to discuss inflammation as it is associated with sugar.  Sugar is often linked to studies on diseases, obesity and depression because it promotes inflammation.  Chronic inflammation can wreak havoc on our immune system and mental health. Ketamine seems to have a significant positive effect on the regulation of inflammation.  It is one reason I feel that depression and inflammation are directly linked and why limiting sugar consumption is critical.  In my experiment over the last month the results solidify just how tragic sugar can be for those with compromised health issues, but that is not to rule out those individuals not battling mental illnesses or chronic illnesses.  

Everyone can benefit from minimal indulgences of sugary treats like candy, cookies, and cakes.  However, those of us with Treatment Resistant Depression need to be hyper aware of all the added obstacle to avoid.  It is one of the reasons I am writing on my experiences with sugar and how not only does it increase inflammation, depression, and mood swings it also affects the results of Ketamine therapy; at least that has been true from my personal experiences lately.  

I discontinued the use of the obvious offenders of sugar. I am attempting, daily, to make better choices in my diet.  I am not always successful at it, but I have definitely seen the advantages to eliminating all the dessert items. I will continue to challenge myself to read labels and limit the items that “sneak” in added sugars; that is absolutely a challenge indeed.  The better I feel mentally, the easier it is becoming to make smarter choices.

The most important skill you can obtain for yourself is to get to know who you are without the depression symptoms, as well as, how things change when the depression resurfaces because it usually will; at least that has been my experience.  These assessments and suggestions I write about in this article, and have written previously in other topics on Ketamine and depression, have been crucial in my healing and recovery. If you take anything away from this personal blog I hope that it is to have an awareness of self.

If you are interested in educating yourself further on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past four plus years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.

In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine versus Ketamine Infusion therapy.

In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.

In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain from any qualified professional.

I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you or someone you love.

Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy‘s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it would be an excellent decision and could be extremely helpful for others like me. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.

I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. Please visit my personal website for the full provider list. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state. I update the provider list regularly. I highly recommend individuals contact me if you administer Ketamine or if you are aware of a Ketamine provider not in my directory; I will happily add new Ketamine clinics.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.

Originally posted on The Ketamine Academy website.