insight

February 1 2017

on the outskirts

susangayhart Blog alone, antidepressants, anxiety, Ashton Manual, Benzodiazepines, clinical depression, day before ketamine, depressed, depression, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, friendships, grief, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine shots, mental health, observing, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I made it to Ketamine day. I have been on the outskirts of depression the past couple days. I am actually surprise that the depression filters have not been switch on yet. It is like a force field. I can feel it radiating towards me but it looks like my Ketamine shots will occur before it can wrap its claws into me. I am grateful. I am dealing with enough chronic pain in my hands that the intensity is plenty to cope with. I have an appointment to see another doctor and hopefully this one may have an answer or solution to why I am experiencing the pain. I am still waiting for someone to prove the Ashton Manual wrong regarding long term use of benzodiazepines and permanent lingering withdrawal symptoms such as nerve damage. I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief. I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain. It is constant 24 hours nonstop. I am typing now in a pain that borders on insanity. It is so much worse in the winter months. I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is. And what is the point. Yeah, right there on the outskirts is where I am standing. I can see the poison and taste it on my lips. I am pushing back. I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting. That depression setting has a password I can’t hack. I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead it attacks when I am in stand by mode. I believe now as I write the pain has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day. I recognize that these feelings will only multiple if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today. I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off. I am so appreciative of Ketamine. It is all just too much. The last couple days have not been pleasant at all. I am exhausted. I am fearing what the results will be if this pain doesn’t cease. Ketamine can only do so much. It doesn’t combat all evils, but enough……

Heading out to my appointment. I am sure my writings tomorrow will reflect the difference. I seriously don’t make this shit up. It is like night and day. Two different people carrying the same baggage. The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag. The days leading up to my treatment that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly. Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

February 1 2017

please

susangayhart Poetry alone, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, evil, faith, insight, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, treatment resistant depression

Death it will feel so good to me
open the door Lord,
and please let me in
I have been pounding my head
against the gate for so long now
why won’t you just let me In?

I cry to you, oh Lord
please let me in
but I can’t make out your reply
through all the pain I’m in
I’m losing faith and hope
I am failing to believe in you

Inside I detect the calling
the cry of evil telling me
to commit suicide, that this is the end
I hear the voice so loud and I’m listening
even if that means losing you, I will succeed
I have no life, I have nothing to fear any more
SEG

*This poem like many of my others reflect a common theme in my writings. I know this was written in my twenties while living in Maine. I wrote much on my suicidal depression through out the years, but remarkably most of my poetry was written in my teens. I also loved writing song lyrics and have a notebook full of songs I have written. I think the older I got the more helpful I found putting words into a journal.

January 30 2017

i’m finally there

susangayhart Poetry Buddhist, Buddhist Monk, emotions, hope, insight, meditation, mindful, monk, observing, peace, self aware

My sanctuary..

I can go there any time
in my minds eye
or
a trip, willing I’ll travel far
leading me to my safe haven

The closer I get to the lighthouse
the more the ocean
beckons to me.
I am almost there.
All my senses are now wide awake
pleasure and alive inside

The demons don’t live there
they are not allowed
only hope and serenity
thrive
within the lighthouse.

I climb the spiral stairway
leading me home
with each step I feel calmer
the negative energy I carry with me
falls like leaves in the autumn breeze
downward they tumble
leaving me with an empty mind.
Peace
I’m finally there

SEG

*This poem was written after a Buddhist monk read my writings. He challenged me and asked me to write an uplifting poem. The more poetry I post the more you will begin to understand why I was given this assignment. I believe it was written in the late 90’s. It was written in Falls Church, Virginia.

January 22 2017

searching for balance

susangayhart Home antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, ketamine, ketamine shots, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. I am painfully discovering that having treatment resistant depression for decades kept me from experiencing life fully. I was drowning under an dark vast ocean invisible to everyone but me. My world has always been plagued by this undeniable feeling that I was different. I believe that I didn’t see the world the ways others did but couldn’t understand why. I have always felt like an alien walking among a huge population. It wasn’t until I had Ketamine in my life that the distinctions were obvious to me. I am floating on the waters I used to live in. I feel so uplifted and positive. I am enjoying the possibilities. However, it is beginning to feel impossible to stay optimistic because the real world is incredibly negative. I can breathe. I want to live. I look for good. I easily see it now. The problem I am encountering is that nagging feeling that most of society wants to break me. There are so many negative people. I understand how my cheerful approach could rub people the wrong way. I am sure it could be annoying. I fight to stay above others misery but I am struggling to find a balance. I get so discouraged. I mean I get it, sort of. The general population haven’t lived in the crushing life sucking pit those of us with Major Depressive Disorder have. My universe shifted with Ketamine. I don’t want to view the world the way I once did and mainly that reason is due to the fact I don’t have the depression filters on. I am in the light. When you’ve lived in pitch black all your life and someone or something, such as Ketamine, switches on a light the effects are profound. Now you can see colors and feel the breeze touching your skin where once the air was stale and world gray. You can truly appreciate the simple things. For me, the blinders of depression are open and I really like what I am seeing and experiencing. I smile more. I openly greet people. I try hard to learn about this new world I am in. I am learning the world is an entertaining place to be alive in. I feel alive. I am alive and ironically everyone else appears to be zombies. Why is everyone so miserable? I want to know, can’t they let go of the pettiness and hating? I am shocked. The place I was existing seems so dull in comparison to life as it is today. I am trying unsuccessfully to grasp the fact that I have had a profound change occur with Ketamine. It lifts the weight and I raise to the top of those petrifying depths of despair. I know and feel the difference. I want to tone down my enthusiasm to be more accepted, but I also refuse to die inside because the people around me are spiritually dead. I am searching for a balance. I was so far away from the living world, and many were, and are unaware. I don’t need others to know my past but I think they would understand my approach if they did. I haven’t figured out why it is so important to me to be understood. I am still exploring. It is disappointing that more people don’t embrace what an amazing life we have been given. I want to live in the now. I am training myself to be present. I won’t lie. It is excruciating. I am trying to discover myself in this new world that has opened up to me and it is quizzical. I am enjoying most of my discoveries even through my confusion. I just don’t want this new world full of half living individuals to destroy me. I am discouraged today. I am working again. It is a challenge. I am grateful that I am able. I feel I have so much to offer. I am running into closed doors and tall unbreakable walls. This is all still so fresh to me. I am processing. I want to be a better person. A whole one. I am having emotions I don’t necessarily have experience with because the depression numbed me. I think, I didn’t know all the emotions I could feel. I have had to redefine my emotional language. What I mean by that is my knowledge of the definitions of feelings was strong. I believed I was in touch and self aware. However, my first hand experience was damaged by my mental illness. I feel with Ketamine I am distinguishing the differences. I will give you an example. As I have stated I have lost many things because of my depression. Friends have passed away. Disappointments, massive ones, have occurred and my depression deepened. I did not grieve. I thought the depression was evidence that I was going through the stages of loss. I have recently realized I was crying when I thought I saw a friend that passed away almost three years ago. It startled me. What was going on? What were the tears about? It had only been a few days since my Ketamine shot. I was perplexed and afraid. Was the depression resurfacing during the period between treatments? I think feeling any sadness at all has been my deepest concern. I question with fear. It was only after months of treatment that I realized everyone gets sad. Grief isn’t clinical depression. Having a day of tears doesn’t equate to a lifetime of spiraling depression or hospitalizations. I have to constantly remind myself. I try every day to use the correct terms to express myself. I feel this is an valuable asset for my recovery. It is definitely a frustrating component. It is also the way in which I have grown most over the past year. I am still a work in progress just like this website…

January 16 2017

heading into drepression

susangayhart Home depression, effects without ketamine, insight, ketamine, ketamine effects, ketamine shots, observing, self aware

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I must admit that blogging is not an easy task. The most difficult part of blogging is there is so much I want to add and I can’t seem to update and develop as quickly as I would like. Please have patience and keep returning! Organizing the layout so I can get the information out there in order to potentially help others. The problem I am facing is I am two days away from getting my Ketamine shot and I am unpleasantly aware that I am heading into depression.

I have been using Ketamine as a treatment for depression for almost two years now. My second anniversary is in March. The most fascinating aspect of Ketamine treatment is the ability it has given me to distinguish what is my true self. The person I am without depression. It is so obvious to me now how completely different a bad day or a bad week is from clinical depression. I seriously feel like two people. I have found that the days leading up to my next treatment I begin to sink into that familiar pit of despair. It is frustrating because most of my time in between treatments I feel “normal”. I never thought there was a real distinction between being depressed and experiencing life as others do. There is a huge difference. I understand situational depression. I even understand how a really awful year, full of loss and disappointments could make a person feel. However, what I am referring to is depression so thick you lose the most important part….. yourself. I feel like I can’t push past the emotions. I have noticed that I physically feel heavier and it is literally impossible to hold my head up. I lack all my drive and I move slower. My smile is gone and it is becoming impossible to breathe. If I wasn’t getting my Ketamine shot in two days the symptoms would only worsen. I never look forward to these overbearing feelings. It is a struggle to think with all the depression filters on. It has been my default setting for decades and it is not an easy path to stay off of. I am finding I don’t recognize myself anymore. The depression grabs hold so unbearably tight and no amount of coping strategies I have been taught and utilized previously help. I asked myself many times over the last two years why I can’t, I am not kidding you, I can’t push past the sinking feeling as I spiral downward. I honestly have no control. It angers me because I want so desperately to be the lead in my life. I am trying to accept that I am not. I have mental health issues that I didn’t ask for and because of that I have to approach my life differently. I get that. I know there is much work to do to heal. However, I notice that I am more negative, self critical and impatient as the days draw closer to my Ketamine shot. It will be interesting to watch my blog entries the next couple days and how they change following my treatment. I plan to document my treatment, the effects, and any observations I have during treatment, the week following my appointments and what I discover the days leading up to my next visit to my doctor. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask. I will answer honestly. If I don’t have the answer I can at least help find someone who might. I am going to close this post by attaching an article I found helpful. I am planning to include to my website a selection of articles on Ketamine and depression. I just need to create it. 🙂 A side note, the doctor mentioned in this article, Steven Levine, is the doctor that treated me in New Jersey, in March of 2015, with 6 Ketamine infusions. He has opened so many doors and windows for me. Thank you Dr. Levine!! I hope you will read, Depressed? Your doctor might soon prescribe Ketamine. I think the most valuable lesson I have learned since my journey with Ketamine therapy is to explore. Explore my emotions and insights. Also, explore ways to be a better person. Explore without judgment!!