mental illness

February 14 2017

gone crazy

susangayhart Poetry acceptance, alone, antidepressants, clinical depression, dying, fear, friendships, gone crazy, grief, haunts, laughing, lonely, longing, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, sadness, self aware, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, treatment resistant depression, unhappy, voices

My heart is dying inside
what does all this mean?
nothing really just reassuring me
no one could truly love me
I’m not worthy of unconditional love

Because you see those that have tried
leave so unhappily most of the time
I often wonder why that is
why can’t people accept who I am?
oh! it must be my personality

no need to cry the tears will never
wash away the pain that’s locked up inside
will it all end in suicide?
are the images I see, are they really laughing at me?
the whispers I hear, they frighten me so

The voices that haunt me
they won’t stop, so I obsess
about what I hear, have I gone crazy?
I’m scared and feel so empty
why do I turned everyone away?
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.

February 13 2017

crying alone

susangayhart Poetry afterlife, alone, anxiety, apprehensive, clinical depression, crying, death, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, grief, help, hope, insight, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, pain, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, suidical depression, tears, weeping

Alone, tears on my pillow
soaked through to my soul
doesn’t seem to matter much
if someone is lying next to me
I still feel hallow inside

Wetness on a torn piece on paper
index finger outlines emotions within
eyes focus on emptiness, I see nothing at all
it’s the same every day and night
suicide races through my mind

The stopping of my heart
words written on the shred of reality
a life that wishes merely to die
the weeping never seems to end
afterlife to me could be a start

I ponder regularly of death
of closing my wet lashes
and finally cease to exist
where I am no longer apprehensive
I solely hunger for my life to conclude
SEG

February 12 2017

today

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, birds, depression signals, ending, grief, gun, hospitalizations, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, my world, myketaminestory, nature, observing, panic attacks, peace, sadness, singing, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, voices

Things have changed for me now
each day now, all I feel is death
I’m aware of only the loneliness and terror
the days and nights
are so unbearable and horrifying

I find pleasure in nothing
why did this have to occur
just when I figured I had improved so?
that the illness had let go of me
but it’s much worse then I could imagine

The colors of the leaves
means nothing to me now
to me they seem rusty brown
even in the spring and summer
I experience nothing of beauty I once saw

I hear no birds singing sweetly outside
nothing but silence in the nature
I try to listen, but all that is there
are the voices in my head
telling me this is the end

My world changed and
Inside I am slowly fading
I’m certain I’ll be joining
The unknown, today
as I hold a gun to my head
SEG

February 10 2017

voices

susangayhart Poetry depression signals, desire, devastation, feelings, freedom, heal, healthy thinking, help, lonely, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, recovery, sadness, scared, struggle, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, support, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, trust, voices, wounds

Why do the voices within me want me to die?
the voices tell me that if people really cared
they would find the time, but they have no time for me
because the phone the phone never rings
why when they told me they’d be there?

The devastation that I feel means
little or nothing to any of them
I’m scared, alone and so depressed
no place for freedom or peace of mind
will these feelings of loneliness ever end?

It seems that I can’t get the voices to just disappear
I struggle daily to silence them but in the end they reappear
I know that I need help and lots of support from somewhere
won’t you assist me and show me the way to healthy thinking?
I want to be held so tight that I can locate the power inside

I wish I could have the desire to continue to live
if I could only allow someone to get that close to me
oh, if I could only trust someone enough to stay
yet I find myself frighten to be that open to anyone
it leaves me with the feeling I have no place to call home.

The voices in my head tell me no one would care if I vanished
acquaintances that have tried to rearrange my life
but they never had my interest at heart only their own
which only made everything indirectly so much worse
Plenty of ammunition to draw upon.
nothing is ever good enough to heal my wounds

I wonder will I ever succeed and get better mentally
or will it just end with a sad letter to those I know
saying I couldn’t cope with my mental illness
the feelings never ease up,
the power, courage and desire
I couldn’t locate any of them in time
in order to grasp on to life
so I let go
SEG

February 9 2017

from where i am standing

susangayhart Blog alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression signals, desire, effects without ketamine, emotions, grief, help, hope, hospitalizations, insight, insomnia, ketamine, ketamine day, ketamine effects, Major Depressive Disorder, menopause, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, observing, panic attacks, rheumatology, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

Hello again. It has been a grueling week. I am sincerely using everything in me to stay afloat. I am reaching out when I need to. That is a massive accomplishment in and of itself. I am known as being stubborn and not asking for help until the only options often lead to hospitalizations. I reached out to my local doctor, Dr. Moseley and I contacted the doctor I initially started my Ketamine treatments with, Dr. Steven Levine, by email. I am hoping for some answers because from where I am standing the waves are building and I am not ready to surf. I am shaking, isolated and I feel the undertow pulling. One thing I have found remarkable about the doctors I now allow to treat me is how after a year or more Dr. Levine still answered my email promptly. That my friends is impressive to me.

I am still struggling with pain. I have been to several doctors over the past weeks and I am trying to be patient but I am finding myself spending a lot of time breathing and centering myself. I am unfortunately painfully aware of how often I am stopping everything to breathe and gain clarity so I don’t snap and break. If I had to calculate I would say four or five times more daily I am spending inhaling and exhaling with purpose. I have so much tension in my body that it physically hurts to focus on my full breaths.

After seeing my family doctor for relief and answers to why I am having such unbearable, I am going to lose my job, screaming profanity in an empty room pain. I walked away with pain medicine, lab work and x-rays. All my blood work came back normal except the test for menopause. It clearly stated I am definitely experiencing menopause. It is wrecking my sleep, mood and possibly the Ketamine. I need to know, could menopause effect the way Ketamine works? I asked and sure, it is possible. Dr. Levine needed more information from me and was not comfortable addressing the issue in an email. I understand and respect that. I did push and requested he discuss my case with Dr. Moseley. I am praying he will agree to take the time. I am now in menopause and my emotions are all over the place; and the places it is taking me definitely not vacation worthy. I am wondering if my treatment needs to be temporarily adjusted. It seems unknown to me at the moment and it is probable that the answers are not available yet.

I was put me on pain medication for some relief last Thursday. I will say that did not turn out very well. They changed the prescription after one day and that change in medication surely didn’t go my way. It made me sick and quickly sent me to suicidal hell. I am fighting my way back after discontinuing the pills after three days. I stopped it out of fear for my mental sanity. However, the pain is excruciating. I have been trying to breathe through the pain and hot flashes. I will be honest I feel overwhelmed. I am not sleeping well, very little. I am wondering if the constant chronic pain and/or menopause could be a reason that the Ketamine doesn’t seem as effective this last time round.

I do realize that I have a lot on plate which could explain my “lack” of improvement after my last shot. I don’t know. And because I don’t have the answers I am forced to reach out in hopes that I can get reassurance or change treatment dose or frequency. I want insight. I desire to hop out of the pit I am in before it melts into quicksand and purges me into darkness.

I have been to doctor after doctor this past week or two. I have blood work results and x-rays. I also saw a specialist in Rheumatology yesterday and had more orders for blood work, Xrays and tests. They are narrowing down the cause of the hand pain. It is possibly an injury to my neck or more likely inflammation of the blood vessels – I believe the doctor said. I will know more…. with time. I am growing impatient.

The menopause is causing major issues with my clinical depression. I am very concerned. I can’t get up to NJ to see Dr. Levine very easily, but if I had to I would make the trip because I can’t slide any farther. It is already worrisome for me. I am getting further away from believing, with everything in me, that I can battle this especially if the Ketamine isn’t working as effectively as it did only weeks ago. This is very unusual.

I am hyper aware of the many changes I have accomplish with Ketamine. I have many questions and because this drug has little information available it is difficult for me to find the answers and reassure myself. If I speak with Dr. Moseley he often refers me to Dr. Levine for specific questions because there is still research being gathered and we both admit that we are continuing to learn as we go.

I am hanging over the edge here and trust me when I tell you that I have not been anywhere near this edge in a very long time. I feel I am a self aware person. The Ketamine, it keeps the depression filters off! My default setting is changing. I have lost several things in the past several weeks that I feel may have been avoided if there was the option to increase dose or frequency even if temporarily. But I have no idea.

I feel lost and desperate. And honestly angry. I know what life is without the depression filters and settings switched to the on position. Now I know what is available to me and how rich my life can be. As you that live in my dark world fully know, depression kills. I feel it is killing me. I still have to make it until next Tuesdays appointment. I am so grateful that it is a day earlier due to a scheduling issue on my part. I won’t hesitate to state I could use it today.

I am here, reaching out when I am fighting with myself to just let it go of life and that is unacceptable.

I know what Ketamine has done for me and I will keep announcing the power of this therapy. It has given me the tools to deal with living on the shoreline and not under that vast, deep, dark ocean waters. I have stood on the sandy beach and I refuse to sink. I have gained internal mental strength to endure and succeed. However, if there is something wrong with my life preserver when the currents are strong I am bracing myself because I fear I am going under. I think a tiny leak in my preserver is occurring. I am no longer playing in the sands building castle for my hopeful future. Instead I am on a piece of weathered wood and I am not confident at all that it will hold me up much longer. I hate this feeling. I so do. I don’t understand it. I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I could absorb the depths of the hows and whys of depression and how Ketamine factors into the equation. I have slightly embraced that I don’t need to completely get it all but that is laughable. Inquiring minds….

And I want to know.

February 8 2017

trust

susangayhart Poetry alone, antidepressants, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, insomnia, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, myketaminestory, panic attacks, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, suidical depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression, treatments

The feeling of death is upon me
I’ve plunged into the boiling hot pot
I was beginning to sense some relief
but for some unknown reasons I’ve fallen

No voice, no words that explain why,
why I can’t see straight, a reason to live
what happen to the power, the courage
the desire to fight to the every end?

I have broken down and lost
I’ve been struggling to win this war
I thought and strongly felt as though
I was on the right path this time

My depression, the illness caught me off guard
and now I feel I have no strength left
to attack back, no energy to want to win
my only urge is to crawl back into bed

To sleep and pray that I awake feeling differently
or to never arise again to such anguish
I want it all to end, to feel invigorated
to move on, however, I don’t perceive that as a reality

I used to believe desperately that
I would heal but I’m so uncertain now,
the doctors tell me they can help, In my heart
I acknowledge that I may not trust them anymore
SEG

February 4 2017

why?

susangayhart Poetry alone, anxiety, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotions, help, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, meditation, mental health, mental illness, observing, questioning mental illness, suicidal depression, symptoms, treatment resistant depression

The sun it shines for me
but rain will surely
enter it’s way
for my life is not a picture
in some local magazine

No beautiful mountains to climb
because my pain has washed
them all away
no tall green trees to see this year
because my heart has burned them all down
can’t you see the flames?

Inside, in my mind, to me I
resemble a house made out of glass
my mental illness has taken over
and has began throwing stones
the pieces cut me up as it shatters

The illness, is like lightening or a razor
first it strikes me hard and deep
then cuts my face, my body and my soul
it’s bitter hate I ate
and it’s rotting me away
apart from everything, I simply ask why?
SEG

*I have spent almost my entire life trying to understand mental illness. I figured that once I understood I could then be the puppeteer instead of the puppet. It doesn’t seem to work that way. I wrote this poem in my mid to late twenties. If I got it, I could stop it. Nope.

February 3 2017

the battle

susangayhart Poetry anxiety, battle, clinical depression, demons, depressed, depression, depression signals, emotional battle, fearful, grief, help, hopeful, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, physical battle, running, suicidal depression, suicide prevention, treatment resistant depression, winning

The clouds are dark
but I don’t care
I find myself dancing, dancing around
in the rain and smelling the fresh air

I close my blue eyes
with so much to fear
the fear of all those ugly demons
that are living so near

I discover I’m at battle
in a war I can’t possibly win
I am fighting with all that I’ve got
but realize that my weapons just aren’t enough

I’m running, running so fast
I run and I never look back
I promise myself to struggle to the end
I must not turn back, until I finally win
SEG

*When I wasn’t writing about depression and death I was struggling to find words to keep me here. A written language I could manipulate to fill all the empty spaces inside. A beautiful picture can emerge through ugliness. I used words and still do to motivate and express myself when I am overwhelmed. The feelings easily expressed themselves on paper. If I didn’t feel heard or couldn’t find my voice I always knew I could find something to write on. I have written on some pretty strange items over the years. I believe I wrote this after being told I had clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I would have been 18.

February 1 2017

please

susangayhart Poetry alone, clinical depression, depressed, depression, depression signals, effects without ketamine, emotions, evil, faith, insight, lonely, longing, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, sadness, suicidal depression, suicide, treatment resistant depression

Death it will feel so good to me
open the door Lord,
and please let me in
I have been pounding my head
against the gate for so long now
why won’t you just let me In?

I cry to you, oh Lord
please let me in
but I can’t make out your reply
through all the pain I’m in
I’m losing faith and hope
I am failing to believe in you

Inside I detect the calling
the cry of evil telling me
to commit suicide, that this is the end
I hear the voice so loud and I’m listening
even if that means losing you, I will succeed
I have no life, I have nothing to fear any more
SEG

*This poem like many of my others reflect a common theme in my writings. I know this was written in my twenties while living in Maine. I wrote much on my suicidal depression through out the years, but remarkably most of my poetry was written in my teens. I also loved writing song lyrics and have a notebook full of songs I have written. I think the older I got the more helpful I found putting words into a journal.

January 31 2017

my body is my canvas

susangayhart Blog anxiety, art, body art, ketamine, Major Depressive Disorder, mental health, mental illness, project semicolon, semicolon movement, suicidal depression, suicide, suicide prevention, tattoo, treatment resistant depression

Hello again. This is Susan from myketaminestory.com. I have been dying to share this story since I decided to develop this website. It was back in September of 2016, well I had been thinking about it months before I approached my family, I asked my husband, son, and his girlfriend to participate in the semicolon movement also known as Project Semicolon. They loved the idea. They all agreed to get semicolon tattoos to support suicide prevention and mental health. My family have experienced decades of my treatment resistant depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalizations. My son’s girlfriend seriously enter his life in the middle of my last major downfall and has unfortunately witness her share of my illness. I was so honored that she agreed to get a semicolon as her first tattoo. That is big. It touched my heart. The fact that none of them hesitated to permanently ink their skins to help raise awareness really made me feel loved and heard. They wanted to support my past and my continuing recovery. That is priceless.

It took a bit of juggling of schedules but in November 2016 we headed to Exposed Temptations Tattoo in Manassas, Virginia to get our tattoos. I contacted Vanis Orr prior to our visit to discuss our tattoos, set up an appointment, and confirmed that we could all come in to see him together. I sent Vanis emails full of images and ideas. We spoke more in depth at the shop. Vanis really listened and designed art we were all so pleased with. We gave him the challenge of having a family in his parlor. He handled himself so professionally. Vanis actively listened as we discussed the meaning behind our tattoos. I highly recommend Vanis Orr. If you are interested in getting a tattoo and happen to be in Manassas, Virginia head over and check out the shop and artists.

During the weeks leading up to our appointment we were texting ideas to each other regularly. My husband sent me a text suggesting I might incorporated the Ketamine symbol into my tattoo. I absolutely loved the idea. It was perfect. I decided what better way to make a statement for Ketamine and Project Semicolon. I was so excited. I already knew I wanted to use a heartbeat with a semicolon. I told Vanis my idea and he brought the Ketamine and Heartbeat semicolon together wonderfully. I wanted the heartbeat on an EKG reading. My goal was to show life and then flat line to represent depression. I added the semicolon and wanted the Ketamine above the semicolon to show that it was Ketamine that started up my life again. I had to show that with the beat beginning after the semicolon. Vanis nailed my ideas.

I think Brittany, my son’s girlfriend, found her design the most difficult to decide on. I was not surprised. It was her first tattoo after all. She decided to go with an elephant and Vanis did an amazing job implementing the semicolon into his trunk. Brittany named her elephant, Henry. The experience couldn’t have been too bad because she has informed us that she is ready to sign up for another tattoo.
The guys went with a simple design, but the statement speaks volumes in support of suicide prevention. They both choose to honor me by using my favorite color, purple, for the ink. It is difficult to see in the photos I am posting and I plan to update later with more professional appearing images. These pictures were taken the day of our tattoos from our phones.