guilt

When I first met you, I was extremely ill
but you looked into my blue eyes,
eyes that I figure hide everything
all my pain, all my anger, my entire life
yet you could see that I had no childhood

You were correct, I was robbed of the laughter,
the enjoyment all the things a child should have
I grew up resentful, alone and feeling awful
I thought that every dreadful episode was my fault and guilt
accompanied every event in my life, even before I was able to fight back

I really don’t know how you knew these things
when I was an expert at disguising what lie inside
you could see my inner soul when others couldn’t
tears came because of my broken heart, you said
I must have felt safe with you to be so open

I would love to know, to remember
all the conversations we have had
I pray daily for my memory to return
I practice every chance I get not to be so upset
at the devastating fact that I can’t recall any of them

I do thank you for having the recollections that you do
I listen closely for words, stories, incidents
that may trigger my mind into the past months
so far nothing has been restored to me
but with your caring and sharing, maybe one day
SEG

*Most of the poetry posted on my website was written during my teens and twenties. There are a few exceptions but typically I find myself wanting to journal regularly and write poetry if inspired. Poetry has been my therapist during many trying times. I have decided to post these poems because it reflects my history with suicidal depression and the struggles I encountered trying to cope with life and depression.